


The Reason I Come Home

by Eavanyears, orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, All The Love ❤, Artist Zayn, Brain Cancer, Cancer Ward, Child Abuse, Depression, Gen, Harry Has Cancer, Hospitals, I'm Sorry, Jazz - Freeform, Lung Cancer, Medical Experimentation, Minor Affective Disorder, Niall Horan & Zayn Malik Friendship, Older Louis, Seizures, Self-Harm, Serious sickness, Sick Harry, Snow, Some Humor, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting, Therapist Louis, To Comment, Younger Harry, Zayn Appeares Later, anhedonia, lymphoma, not romantic - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-04-25 08:16:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 54,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4953052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eavanyears/pseuds/Eavanyears, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Our heads and souls were sinking away, our hearts once so full and blooming had been sitting heavily and broken inside our chest's for the longest time; but in one moment we realised the reason to come back home, each of us being what the other needed, to once more be a half of a whole.<br/>An AU where Harry suffering with depression and Louis can't do what he is asked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Wanna Thank Kristye-Lee -Brinkly- So Much For Being Such An Amazing Beta

I think anybody who has ever lived realize that life isn't about what do we want; life isn't always fair but doesn't that what it has to be?

He told me there's a reason for our existence, I thought that if we were both broken then he could possibly true to; I have come to the conclusion he's most likely right.

I couldn't tell how I end up drawing in the wild openness that is life, how I end up sticking in the darkness that is depth, losing our breathes into the dystopian world; we spend years with those secret darkness that we locked in our closets away from anybody to reach nobody believed he was really sick or how strongly he needed help.

Harry was barely hanging onto the cliff, only just existing, when I become the only thing holding him back, little did I know he was going to become my little thing, my reason to stick around.


	2. Author's Note

I wrote this book in different 7 versions before it's the book that I hope your answers about existence in artificial way, It's not a religious book it's a novel book that discussing people's life and death.  
I wrote it hoping that I'd help those who suffering with their emotions in serious way it doesn't have to be clinically issue you better than anybody, you're the only one who allowed to judge yourself.  
If you're or your love one have a fear of having such an issue -or just a reader who's searching for something to enjoy in the free time- I hope you read this note carefully before you go head and read the following pages:  
This book meanly about cancer and the depression that comes along with, it's not a Romance to be told, it's more as General book with warning.  
“The Reason I Come Home” -Novel- Includes:  
Heavy mention of depression, I can't just avoid this kind of thoughts in this book 'cause this is meanly what the book about; but if you think you might be have a problem with this please don't read at all I want to help not to make things worse for anyone.  
Self-harm and suicidal thoughts and heavy mention of anhedonia, dysphoria, dysthymia and major affective disorder.  
Just to expect everything I'll give warning every chapter so don't worry I'll be more specific about each in the book.  
If you decide to read -even for your curiously mood- I want to thank you and I really did this work to help others -and maybe for you curious people to enjoy ☺.  
If you have any questions -things you don't understand in the book maybe- I can gladly explain it, you can contact me comment below or just send me on my twitter @Niav_Eden


	3. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ►(A/N): Mention of medical searches.

December 23th- Day 1  
You Don't choose some of the events that happen in your life time; but you diffidently choose how to react about, how to deal with it, how to let it run it's course and whether or not you want to get over them.  
I found myself floating in existence not knowing what I supposed to do with my life, or simply I hadn't thought about it too seriously before, that just wasn't part of who I was, my current life has the tendency to take me back and forth and I never seemed to have the time to stop and really thinking about it, I thought I Knew what I wanted to do and that was to be a therapist.  
Which I become!  
I wanted to be able to help all those small figures, those who had the misfortune of cancer; I loved being there for them, listening to all their fears, getting an insight into their broken hearts. I loved being the one they choose to tell everything to, all their confusion and all their sadness, when they act totally innocent that still wore thei heart on their sleeve, I loved being the one who got to share in it.  
But as a therapist, at times I would find myself hating my job, while l loved being part of the children cancer ward, hoping I could help them in some infinitesimal way to stay bright and upbeat, with just a little hope. Hope seemed to be the key, when they started hoping to get better, that they could beat the cancer, deep down you could see it was what they really wished for, and to actually have the hope and believe in it, it seemed to make them a little happier.   
It was the evening of December 24th when I met Harry Styles, it was a cold unforgiving evening that brought with nothing but the rain and snow.  
Walking into my office room at St. Merry Hospital, located in London with my refreshment cup of tea securely in my hand, I noticed a new file on the top the mayhem that was my desk, guessing it was left by one of the nurses, I sat down behind my desk, sipping at my slowly cooling tea, I begin haphazardly poring through the pages, Realizing it was the file of a new patient I was due to meet in just a few minutes.   
Putting the file down upon my closed bag, I crossed the room in order to turn the radio on, it was old and dingy, but it did the trick, I just need to hear the noise, emptiness unnerved me, and with the radio I was almost able to pretend I wasn’t alone, nothing really excited me except something to do with testing of transformer cells and new results, running my hand along the dial I turned it up to hear better. ...  
“In a new conflict between scientist’s and social opinion in the matter of using fetus cells as a way to treat cancer, Scientists think it would be a great success and may bring a new hope to all those with the dreadful disease, others think it should be a criminal act, fearing it may cause unnecessary harm to the fetus, and therefore should not be covered by insurance, however in recent discovery a doctor came across the fact that a snakes poison that in clinical trials, has shown some ability to treat brain tumors... this sets into motion a couple of more, even if I may say unusual option for new hope waiting for humanity and the fight against cancer.”  
Jumping a little over the sound of my electronic note, bring me back to the here and now, notifying me of my impending lateness with my new client on our very first meeting, I switched the radio off, and tucked my phone into my bag at the same time as slipping the previously abandoned notes inside, walking to the needed room I smiled while greeting a women “Evening Rosie, I have a meeting here, with a Harry, Harry styles.  
"Evening Mr. Tomlinson" the nurse said bubbly smiling when I said:" I have a meeting here with Harry... Harry Styles" she took a look into her files then said:" yea, that's right, can you hold a minute? I'll just go grab him for you" she was going to walk to his room when I said:" If it's alright with you, I would like to go myself."   
"Actually he has some visitors" she said, when I asked:"okay, fair enough, just don't... don't cut them off, I can wait a bit longer if need be, its fine he's my last patient for today" I replied, feeling a bit ashamed for my earlier hurry.  
She smiled softly then said:" thank you, Mr. Tomlinson, your generosity with your time is much appreciated"  
It was really just part of the job, cancer patients needed all the support they could get, I knew that anybody would prefer their family over a therapist, it was after all understandable, so I thought it better idea to give up a bit of my own time and stay late at work to give him a little more time with his family, to a cancer patient time is limited, and there is no way to tell just how much is left.  
Walking to the waiting room I took a seat, I watched as a women sitting there with another man seemingly her husband based on the matching rings, they looked sick with which only intensified when a doctor came to speak to them, they both stood up when the doctor talked to them for short while I understood why with what I could overhear, he said:" “I suggest that we start chemotherapy right away,” The woman, who I now assumed to be the mother, collapsed a little into her husband’s arms, her breathing becoming more erratic as she tried to hold in her sobs, “I’m so sorry, but there are no other options, especially when it comes to cancer.” It sounded harsh, but it always does, it’s never pleasant, to tell a parent that their baby is going to suffer; it was almost harder than having the cancer.   
I stood up, still watching them as she succumbed to her sobs, helplessly crying into her husband’s shoulder, I found myself feeling the same way I had felt ten years ago, when I had watched my own mom crying out in unseen pain after my own cancer news, I was frozen and feeling as helpless as the crying mum, when I was jolted out of my déjà vu,  
"Mr. Tomlinson the patient is ready to meet you" Nurse Rosie said to me, I looked at her when she said a little louder when I failed to respond:" the patient is ready to meet you Mr."  
"I'll be there in a minute" I mumbled walking to the bathroom, pushing the door open and heading straight for the faucet, washing wetness that seemed like tears from my hands and face, I couldn't understand why I still crying over a memory that I definitely should be old enough to leave in the past, I always react the same each and every time I walked in on somebody else’s life changing moment.   
As I washed my face I took a long look at my reflection in the above the mirror , noticing my pale complexion, I put it down to sheer exhaustion, too many sleepless nights followed by over thinking about the world, and everything I was doing with my life. It felt as if I was beginning to become lost, and I was desperately in need of a way to remind myself why I stayed. I stayed because of the kids, because it was my job to listen to their broken hearts, especially when there was nobody else. Also the ones who had no idea what to say in the first place, because it seemed as if there was nothing to say, when all stories in life were about just that life, when rudely their story is only of death, it was my love to believe that in some infinitesimal way, I could reach them and spread light around their broken wings, that I could find something that would change their minds, and show them other outcomes that hadn’t seen before, that cancer isn’t just a death sentence, it was all these feelings and words that kept going around in circles, when I lay awake at night, thinking of new ways I could help these kids in their time of need.   
I couldn't help but love what cancer had made me, in it I had found the answer for the most complicated question of my life, while so many people had lost contact with even the simple question, though I had never thought about it till I thought I was too close to death, that question was, ‘what am I doing with my life?’ I can say that I was blessed with cancer, because through it I came to know what I was meant to be dong with my life.   
Knocking on my next patient’s door, asking for my permission to enter, I never just entered, even if it was almost protocol for hospitals, I refused to be the one to destroy any feeling of normalcy, taking away the sense of being a normal human. I liked to make my patients feel respected and it home, even if they were too sick and had to stay away from their homes for the treatments they needed.  
The hallway was so quite, it amazed me to hear the humming that came from the other side of the door. Opening the door to reveal the nearly dark room with my soft smile in place, I needed to look friendly, it was all to import for a first impression, sometimes my friendly demeanor put me in danger of patient refusal, but usually it helped, to act as if you already knew somebody even when you don’t, it allows them to trust you, and I give my reason to be trusted by like them, putting my heart on my sleeve, it allows them to reason out that I will not be just another danger in their already unsteady life.   
He was laying half-upright in his bed, the hospital stand blue fiber blanket covered him from waist down, his bright green eyes glued to his laptop that sitting upon his lap his long fingers ready to race alongside keyboard, his face was drawn and pale evidently the sign and sleepless nights and overall tiredness, he had beautiful chocolaty curly hair, it was swiped to one side, sliding softly over his forehead, he had cute front teeth that just added to the overall sense of innocence his general look gave off, just as everybody in the children ward, he looked to young  
“Good evening,” I said secretly checking his name on my notes, he didn’t notice, he ignored my presence choosing instead to keep his attention on his laptop screen, slipping my notes back into my bag, I introduced myself “Hi, I’m Louis.”  
He turned finally looking at me as he mumbled:" evening"   
" I'm here to offer help...urhrm actually I'm..."   
" the therapist... I know".  
This surprised me, I mean it wasn’t as if I didn’t expect him to know this knowledge, of who I was and what I was doing in his room, but also his actions gave me a sense that this wasn’t going to be easy, that he may be aware of the game I might play over him, and he wasn’t about to allow them to work that easily.  
“You’re not the first you know?” he said, glancing at me, as if to gauge my own reaction, see what I was going to do next.   
“I know”  
"You think you can make me feel better though?" he was smiling; it was more as an offensive smile almost to his laptop screen, as he typed away.  
" I'm not supposed to control your feeling, it's up to you to feel what you want and to choose what to ignore."  
He flicked his eyes towards me, his face blank, I smiled briefly searching for a seat, signaling towards a singly blue armchair in the room “Do you mind if I have a seat?”  
He shook his head, going back to looking at his laptop screen; I pulled the blue armchair closer to his bed, placing my bag on the floor next to me. I wasn’t really used to a patient being okay, the fact that they weren’t directly having any mental issues was more than true, it was the cancer not their heads, cancer pulled them down, it depressed them, and that was their problem.  
Under normal circumstances, I would never get his trust that easy. But he was a cancer patient, it tends to teach you a lot about who you can let close to you, who you can trust and rely on, who will stay and who will never leave, no matter how bad things get, he will be there as time goes on and you get weaker and weaker.   
The boy looked small in the hospital bed, especially with the blankets around his waist, his shoulders being supported by pillows, his laptop resting on his lap, eyes still glued to it. He looked as if he was waiting, waiting for death to come, for the finally play of everything that had happened in his own life, waiting for his unwelcome death, almost impatiently, he looked as if he had already given up.   
"Do you have anything to talk about? I'm here to listen to you whatever you wanted to say" I asked, unzipping my jacket and placing it over the back of the chair, he mumbled something unclear I guessed it was “I know.”  
I couldn’t push him to talk, I mean he needed time, to be sure he had a reason to need me to be present, or at least work out that he could trust me somehow, I just told myself internally that he needed time, that was all.”   
Remaining seated in the armchair and crossing my legs underneath me I pulled out a book, it was a birthday gift from Sophia that I had kept to read, if I ever got free time, and this seemed like some.   
It was an English copy of Paul Claudel's tragedy play 'The Tidings Brought to Mary' it was my first time to read this play in kind of written shape.  
It was an English copy of Paul Claudel’s tragedy play ‘ The Tidings Brought To Mary' it was the first time I was reading the play, in any kind of written form, It was the evening of December 23rd when I had however seen it on TV, Mom was tugging me close to her side with he left hand, he right smoothed small circles in my once longer hair, I could remember the soft noise of the TV, so quite that I couldn’t even make out half of it, I felt so safe sitting with Mom, it was as if it was just her and I, nobody else in the whole planet, everything else was ignorable, as our eyes watched Paul Claudel’s play.   
It was an early birthday gift, she had wanted me to get it before she went to visit her family in the holidays, along with Liam (my best mate and his fiancé) I stole quick looks at Harry between the beginning lines, I was trying to read his mind, to be able to understand him, I felt myself become affected, it was just something about him, while he continued his preferred tactics and choose to ignoring my existence, eyes still glued to the laptop, almost like he thought if he tried hard enough he may be able to stare a hole right through it.   
I was left with no other choice than to take this as his way of saying no he was not talking, I looked into the book in my hand again, thinking that the lines on the page was my only friend right now.   
It is the beginning of the 15th Century; it is just before the break of dawn, about 5 a.m., out in the countryside of France. A great cathedral builder, a genius, Pierre de Craon is leaving, almost sneaking away from the home of a prosperous peasant family with whom he’s been staying. He’s been in the area to get stone. He’s now accomplished that. He’s been there to get stone for this great new cathedral to St. Justitia. Now he is sneaking out and returning to Reims. All of a sudden a beautiful 18-year-old farm girl, Violaine, calls to him, ―Halt, my lord knight.‖ He’s startled; he tells her to go away; he’s says that she should know that he is not a man to be trusted. She talks to him in a very loving and playful way, and asks him why he hasn’t shown himself, why he hasn’t been around this last time."   
* Flashback *  
“Can you breathe alright Louis?” Mom asked, checking the cannula that was inserted into my nose, when I nodded slightly I was so exhausted after the chemotherapy I had just had. She pulled me closer hugging me as she whispered into my ear. “you are going to be fine Louis” I nodded once more as she kissed my sweaty forehead, she had tears running down her face, she had been crying a lot, I knew it was the stress of seeing me dying, it was hard for her to watch the life slowly slip out of me, and all I could do about it was watch and wait, putting her arm around me I placed my head on her thigh, she kissed my hair. The room was all but dark, save the light coming from the TV screen, from where I lay, I couldn’t see the screen, I was listing to the soft noise of their Voices   
“: Sweet lying Violaine! Didn’t I see you tenderly embrace Pierre De Craon on a beautiful June morning?  
Violaine: You saw everything. There was nothing else to see.   
Mara: Why did you kiss him as if were so precious?   
Violaine: The poor man was a leper and I was full of happiness that day.  
Mara: And so you did it all in innocence?  
Violaine: Like a little girl who kisses a poor small boy.  
Mara: Can I believe you, Violaine?  
Violaine: It is true.  
Mara: Don’t tell me it was willingly you left me Jacques.  
Violaine: No, not willingly. I loved him. I am not so perfect.  
Mara: Did you expect him to love you still when you were a leper?  
Violaine: No, I didn’t expect it.  
Mara: Who could ever love a leper?  
Violaine: My heart is pure.  
Mara: But, how could Jacques know this? He looks upon you as a criminal.  
Violaine: Our mother had told me that you loved him.  
Mara: Don’t tell me that she made you a leper.  
Violaine: God cautioned me with His grace.  
Mara: So that when our mother spoke to you...  
Violaine: ... It was still His voice I heard. ”  
* End Flashback *  
Mom spent that night, in late December with me hugging her close, while she did the same with me, almost as if, were she to move away from me and loosen her grip, than I might slip away, I could feel my chest wheezing as she looked at me with those sad blue eyes, she was silently begging me not to die, as if she could be my savior, begging me not to leave her alone, I remember wanting to reach for her hand, to assure her that I wasn’t going anywhere, as long as didn’t give up on me, however i could see that she already had, she was just waiting for he when. When my lungs could no longer inhale air. I could remember her whispering soft words, but my memory is a bit shady about her voice, whether or not is was shaking with her words, as her hand drew small circles into my hair  
I opened different page chosen at random one, I stopped to read…  
'Violaine and Jacques, after they have finished, make up a long story to placate the family. Jacques says that his mother who lives several towns away is dying and doesn’t have long to live and she wants to see her future daughter-in-law. That allows Violaine to leave her home, and instead of going to her mother-in-law, of course, they go to Géyn where the lepers live. Seven years pass. Mara has married Jacques. They have a baby girl and it is Christmas Eve. The baby girl has died suddenly. Mara takes the dead baby into the freezing cold night. She’s searching for her leper sister who she has not seen in seven years. She sees workmen clearing the road for the Dauphin who will be crowned the next day in Reims with the help of Joan of Arc. It is here that we find out that Pierre de Craon has been healed'.   
“You’re ruining the play” I was cut off from my reading, as Harry spoke to me, I didn’t think he was going to talk, least of all today, and I definitely did not think the conversation would be about the book I was holding in my hands. “Can you please be a normal human and read the poor book from the beginning, for god’s sake the author didn’t write all of those pages, just for you to read the end.” My jaw dropped down for a moment.   
“I didn’t, I don’t read the end, I’m actually, I want to make my own picture of the book, than fill in the finally details as I read it, I’m sanctifying my curiosity.”   
“Impatient idiot” was his response, still not looking at me, I don’t think It was meant for my ears, but they had already heard.   
“Pardon me?”  
“Impatient idiot, the person who buys a book to read the last pages is such an idiot” Still not looking at me, still keeping his voice soft and low.   
“First of all, I didn’t buy the book, a friend of mine did, therefore technically I didn’t choose the book, second I already have a fair idea about the play’s chapters” I said, going on the defense, realizing too late that I had given this boy information about my friends and self, when that wasn’t part of the job.   
“You can do whatever you want” He replied, tossing me a somewhat disapproving look. It surprised me that he was defending a book this way, so surprised that I couldn’t find anything to further defend my argument that would seem realistic enough for skipping pages, and he looked to damn serious about the whole thing.   
“How can somebody trust you, when you’re skipping pages, doing that?” He looked back towards his laptop screen, as I felt anger growing inside me, I couldn’t understand either his reaction nor my anger, I couldn’t fathom why his opinion seemed to affect me so much, and I still wanted to prove my point.   
“Doing what?”  
“Being a stealer reader, stealing words from the end and start just to prove that you have read a book, and judging it by the cover, when he didn’t even read it all; they should make a strict rule, or law about stealer readers,” He was almost mocking, apparently his words could be distinguishable with different tones, “Somebody should probably tell her about this, I don’t think she will like to hear that you ruin the book before you even read it.”  
“How do you know it’s a she, a girl I mean?” I asked curious,  
“Who?”  
“The person who sent me the book, how do you know it’s a girl?” I couldn’t tell you why I was asking him this, but I was overly curious as to how he had figured it out.   
“I think somebody who would send a boy that kind of book, would definitely be a girl, because it seems, you know girly, boys generally wouldn’t really have much interest in such a tragic romantic type of book themselves, and definitely wouldn’t send it as a gift.” He was blushing slightly, as he brought a hand up to run his fingers through his curly hair, it was obvious the boy was smart, and I was impressed by his observation.   
“Well, you are right, it was a girl, but as for what boys are interested in, I’m not so sure that even I could judge that.” I smiled, totally intrigued with this new patient.   
“I’m 80% right.” He made a note looking at his laptop, we fell into silence than, except for his fingers that his the keyboard as he typed something on the seemingly well loved laptop.  
“I think you win, I’ll just listen to you and read it like a normal human would, from beginning to end” I said cutting the quietness of the room, I noticed a sly smile upon the boys face. Going back to the beginning all over again, I opened the early pages of the written play, we were then plunged into silence until he interrupted it,   
“I like that play.”   
“Have you read it before?” I asked,   
Shaking his head “No, I watched it with a friend of mine.”  
“If you want I can read it to you?” I offered, wishing he would just find it a good offer and say yes, I didn’t think about the offer at all, it just left my tongue without any thought.   
“Have they mentioned to you that I’m actually older than eight?” He asked jokingly  
“I guess they did, but I think I can read it for both of us, if you want, does that sound too bad?”  
“Not really”   
I smiled, “Okay than, I can read it for both of us.” He nodded, shutting the computer down, with just a simple touch of the keyboard, proceeding to place the laptop onto the floor, getting comfortable on the bed to turn and face me, sinking into the hill of pillows he looked tired, I properly noticed the dark circles under his sleepy eyes, and the pale complexion and milky white skin where he bare skin was exposed through his short sleeved shirt.  
“You can start,” He said comfortably, while I opened the first pages and begin to read aloud.   
‘It is again the beginning of the 15th Century; it is just before the break of dawn, about 5 a.m., out in the countryside of France. A great cathedral builder, a genius, Pierre de Craon is leaving, almost sneaking away from the home of a prosperous peasant family with whom he’s been staying. He’s been in the area to get stone. He’s now accomplished that. He’s been there to get stone for this great new cathedral to St. Justitia. Now he is sneaking out and returning to Reims. All of a sudden a beautiful 18-year-old farm girl, Violaine, calls to him, ―Halt, my lord knight.‖ He’s startled; he tells her to go away; he’s says that she should know that he is not a man to be trusted. She talks to him in a very loving and playful way, and asks him why he hasn’t shown himself, why he hasn’t been around this last time.’  
As our allotted hour reached its end, my electronic notebook started going crazy, I had a deep feeling in my chest that I didn’t want our time to be over, something I didn’t usually feel with my patients, “Sorry, times up, I have to go”  
“Good, I was actually tired” He said with a harsh voice, from lack of talking, I smiled putting my electronic notebook back into my bag, followed by the green book.   
“You can get some rest now.”   
He nodded closing his eyes,   
“I’ll see you next Tuesday though, but if you want to talk to me at anytime, you can call me, I’ll answer you whatever time, I will leave this here” I put a yellow sticky note on a book sitting on the table beside him, he nodded with already closed eyes, I could see he was tired, since he was basically asleep already, I hoped he’d remember what I had just said.   
I smiled towards him, even though he wouldn’t notice with his eyes closed, I could feel a halo around him, something about this boy was special, it was unclear, and unspecific, but it was easy to feel, I could see that fixing him was going to be hard, since he wasn’t easy to crack, he wasn’t ready to talk, I was afraid he wouldn’t ever be ready to talk, I was afraid of falling, I wondered if he’d ever take down his walls and let me into his life to be able to fix all the broken pieces of him, to him his heart and treat all of his pain.   
_____________________________________________

 

(A/N): Well, I hope you enjoyed the very first chapter as I enjoyed writing to you guys this book is my favorite of all of the time it's my best and I want you to feel the same -hopefully (:- small thing to let you know, I had never read The Tidings Brought to Mary, or Watch it guess what? I actually heard the whole ten chapters of the play on the radio -I'm a radio fan-, I couldn't find the original text of the play in English anywhere I'm still trying just bear with me.  
I really love Violaine's character she's so innocence and so clumsy lovely, is those girls even exist? I guess yes, we are different so “I'm 80% right” (;  
Have any questions, anything you guys wants to tell me please comment it below, all the love- N. Eden


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ►(A/N): Mention of minor character with a past child abuse along with affected food disorder, read carefully and there's may some graphic sense so I'll add (*) this when it's starts and (**) when the graphical sense of the child abusing ends, just in case nobody wanted to read that specific part… You are not alone contact me on Twitter: @Niav_Eden if you need support or help I really can do help ♥- N. Eden

December 31st – Day 8  
It was a cold morning, I didn’t want to leave my bed, I really loved my bed and the warmth it provided; but I also loved my patients and work. Liam had rung me this morning, since he had had to leave early, it was his way of waking me up, to ensure I wasn’t late for work, he talked me through the whole journey, from what outfit to wear right up to when I placed my phone into my bag. Refusing to hang up until I assured him I was leaving the flat, I was kind of singing when I met Mrs. Cullen, she was our- Liam and I= really old neighbour, she was watering the tulips she like to grow in the hallway next to her front door, it was like having a small garden,   
“Morning, Mrs. Cullen”  
“Morning, Louis” She said, a little shocked not having been expecting my sudden presence behind her.   
“How are you doing Mrs. Cullen?” I asked walking along cheerfully.  
“Not the best day Louis”   
“What’s wrong?” I asked the old lady softly,  
“My Tulips are dying; it’s too cold for them”  
“Maybe it’s time to plant something else” I suggested, she looked so sad when she looked at me.  
“Tulips are beautiful”  
“Well, you can find something more beautiful, you always can Mrs. Cullen, you just have to let your heart open” I said, smiling at the fragile old lady. “Well I really have to go now” I said walking away of her when she yelled happily behind me.  
“Bless your soul son!” I loved it when she said that, I didn’t know if it really meant anything, but it made me feel better about the day when she said it.   
The rest of the day went smoothly, that is until I reached my lunch break. I had decided to go surprise Sophia hoping that Liam hadn’t screwed up the surprise and told her of my surprise visit, I put my jacket on as I walked out of the hospital, suddenly I was stopped by a familiar high pitched voice calling my name.   
“Olly, Hi” I Replied, happy to see him, Olly was a male nurse on the children ward, “I heard you called in sick last week, what happened?” He blushed a little as I asked  
“Asthma attack, but I’m fine now” He said as I placed a hand on his shoulder, I could feel the bones clearly behind the thin layer of cloth he wore, he body lacked warmth,   
“I’m sorry, did you have anybody to help you through it” I said, feeling more worried than before, as I watched him shake his head.  
“ but don’t worry, I’m fine Mr.”   
“Why didn’t you call me Olly, I would’ve helped, I only live five minutes from you, I can always drop by and help you” He just looked at the ground, reminding me of a child who was being blamed by his mother.   
“I didn’t want to bother you!”  
“Go damn it Olly, you called in sick for a week, what happened?” I asked again, as he sighed, trying to cool the hotness in his head, I could see the hot tears in his glassy blue eyes,  
“Mom came to visit and it was....” he trailed off  
“it was hard to remember, I know” I said softly, offering a hug that he didn’t hesitate to accept, Olly had a rough past filled with child abuse, he had come to this hospital five years ago, exactly the same year I had starting working at St. Merry Hospital.   
(*)  
He was around 16, he was a little small for his age, and he was skinner than he should’ve been when they brought him to the ER, owning multiple injuries, when he was found he had been beaten by his alcoholic father, a senseless drunk who couldn’t even recognize the ground from the sky, he had his this angel until he had lost his breath, and his lungs had crushed, his chest rattly with every breath he took.   
I remembered that day, seeing the rapid movement in the ward, I remembered hearing somebody screaming in pain, It seemed as if everybody was helpless, they took plenty of time trying to help him into the hospital required gown, he had panicked, not wanting anybody to touch him, Olly was suffering anxiety, I had been called into the ER, that was when I saw Olly for the first time. He was feeling as if he was constricted, it wasn’t helping him in his breathing, I recognized his disorder that day, and for some reason he trusted me, and in trusting me he let the nurses help him. When the doctors had found a huge purple bruise, which they had explained had been left for too long, the found out he had blood poisoning, and had developed a chest infection, he immune system was so low and run down.   
(**)  
I had looked at him that day, my heart filled with fear, that this boy wouldn’t make it out of the ER, I always look at him now, remembering that he had survived, not only that but many things after and before.   
“Next time I hope you call me, If you don’t we are going to have a serious talk” I said, he nodded in acknowledgment   
“I brought you a birthday gift”  
“What!” I Said smiling, as he have me a regular hexagonal shaped box, it was wrapped with navy coloured paper secured with red tape and a nice bow, I smiled once more “You wrapped it?”  
“Yeah” He replied smugly,   
“Olly, I can’t accept this, you know my birthday has already passed, you don’t have to give any gifts now”   
“ I wanted to give it to you a week ago, but then I got sick and couldn’t” He said, placing his hand on the one of mine that was holding the present, “I want you to have it, I bet it’ll look wonderful on you?”  
“What have you brought me Olly?” I asked, noticing the excitement in his eyes, he took my hand leading me to the toilets,  
“I really want to see it on you right now!”  
“What is it?” I asked, still being pullet to the toilet, Olly now taking my jacket off.  
“Open it up!”  
“Now I asked?”  
“yes please” Was Olly’s response.   
“Okay” I opened the present carefully when my eyes met with a light blue coloured dress shirt.   
“Oh my God, you have amazing taste with clothes” I said, causing him to smile.  
“You still have meetings right?” He asked , I nodded “Do you mind wearing it to you next meeting?” I was going to meet Sophia, before I had a meeting with Harry in two hours, “Please, I want to know if I choose the right size”  
“Okay” I said, giving him my bag and the empty box, as I went into one of the stalls, changing my short sleeved shirt, into the dress shirt, I felt good as I looked at the unclear reflection in the shiny wall.  
“Have you finished?” He asked eagerly, when I walked out of the stall “It’s a really nice fit on you”   
“Yeah, it is” I looked at my reflection, in the mirror about the sinks, folding the sleeved a few times.  
“You should buy more of those, they fit you amazingly”  
“You’re right, I’d never have known if you never brought me this, thank you Olly” I said,   
“You always welcome Mr. Tomlinson” He replied with a smile.  
I push open the hospital door, walking across the street passing by all the different stores, entering a flower store, deciding to be nice and bring flowers to Sophia. There was something special about being a therapist, we tended to understand people better than others, not always, but it worked that way for the most part.   
“Can I have some write roses please? I asked, as the girl attending the store turned to me.   
“Sure sir”  
She looked nice, wrapping the flowers into a bouquet as she had a conversation with her co-worker, “Serra, how are you feeling about our new flat? Do you like it?” The other girl seemed to magically appear replying “Yeah, you have a good decorating sense, It feels as I am in a flat located in New-York or something.”   
“I know how to give you that feeling baby” She said with a joking tone, Laughing the other girl replied “You did such a great job decorating our little one!”   
“Your roses sir, do you want me to arrange them with another colour for you? Or perhaps I can write a card for you? The attended asked me.  
“I would love if you did actually, thanks”   
“Are they for your girlfriend? Fiancé? ” She asked,   
“Friend” I answered, trying to be nice,   
“I hope she’s going to like them” she said casually smiling.  
“Thank you” I responded as she handed me the flowers, as I payed for them smiling before I left the store in order to head to Sophia’s.  
I opened the door to the small cafe, spotting her standing with one of her customers. I walked slower toward her, trying not to get her attention until I was close enough.  
“Surprise!” I said softly,   
She turned towards me “Lou” She smiled, I gave her the flowers  
“They are white and pure, just like you.”  
“Oh thank you so much, Lou....I can’t believe you are here, and you brought flowers ....It’s just....”  
“Please it’s nothing,” I said, as she smiled smelling the refreshing fragrance of the roses,   
“Please have a seat!”  
“Thank you,” I smiled sitting down as she begin to ask what I wanted,  
“Tea or coffee? I have your favourite tea bags, or there’s a fresh made coffee pot, or whatever you want I’ll bring it to you”  
“Just tea thanks Sophia.”  
She brought my tea along with some cupcakes that were still fresh out of the oven, sipping her own coffee as she started to talk “I brought you something”  
“You’re not serious; it’s not even my birthday!” I said, as she gave me a red box,   
“I know, I just couldn’t fight the feeling that this was meant to be yours, I was going to meet up with you to give you this, but since you are here, I can’t wait to see you have it.”  
“Remember your birthday, when I told you that I wished I could bring you an exclusive copy?” I nodded, sipping my tea, she handed me the gift, I unwrap it carefully revealing a grey book with the ‘FAULT IN OUR STARS’ written on it, “This is for me?” She nodded biting her lip, I smiled looking at her in disbelief, I had kind of fallen in love with this book, ever since I had read many of the writer’s quotes, and seen some of his videos.   
“A Friend brought it for me, from Ontario, while he was there, and I couldn’t think about anybody else better for it than you.”  
“Thank you, Thank you so much Sophia” I smiled, hardly being able to believe what I was holding in my hands. I thank Sophia for about the millionth time as I walk out of her cafe heading back to the hospital,   
“Louie, I made special cupcakes for you, don’t leave just yet.”  
“Hey, there’s no need for that.”  
“You can share with the kids at the hospital, god knows how long since they had real food,” her generosity made me smile “Promise you will wait”  
“I Will” I said, watching her go into the kitchen, I knew that she was right, the kids would be happy, it would be one of those simple things that remind them they are normal humans, able to enjoy sweets and fresh baking.   
Suddenly Liam popped up behind me, “Hey mate.”  
I smiled, “Hey! Nice to see you here, come to meet Sophia?”  
“Actually we are going to watch a movie” He corrected, searching for her.   
“It’s good, that you too have time to share together” Just than Sophia came back with the cupcakes  
“Be careful not to smash them,” I nodded as she noticed Liam. “Liam, hey, I am so happy you came.”  
“I didn’t want to be late, since we are going to have dinner after” His whole face had lit up when Sophia had come near  
“Yeah, you are right. I will just chance from my work clothes in a minute” She said, Liam nodding, just then I heard my electronic note, alarming me of my next appointment, Liam was talking to me about going to one of the Manchester games this weekend, while I was a big fan of football, I was about to be in big trouble if I didn’t arrive back at the hospital in the next 30 minutes.  
Checking the appointment, I noted that it was Harry’s; I had only just started with him the week before.  
“Sorry guys, I need to go, I have an appointment with a patient in a few minutes, I guess I’ll see you guys later” I said, throwing my bag up on my shoulder,   
“Take care, lou” Sophia said, dismissing me  
“I will” Liam smiled warmly to me, I just managed to catch the underground back to the hospital, making it in record time. Passing by Rosie—who was Harry’s nurse—she was a young lovely girl, she was a bit shy, which made me wonder how she went being a nurse, “Is Harry awake?”   
“Yes, Mr. Tomlinson” She answered, I nodded offering a small smile  
That evening was a more peaceful one than usual, I couldn’t tell you if that was due to the snow covering London, or maybe it was just my own feeling of being in a good mood, after a well used day, he looked the same as I had found him the previous week, sitting on his bed half upright, resting his laptop on his lap. “Hello.”  
He looked at me than “Hello”  
“Mind if I sit?” He shook his head no, still looking to his laptop screen, I was really starting to wonder what was so important about it.  
He looked up, suddenly realizing that I was no longer standing awkwardly, for a short moment we were just looking at each other shamelessly. He acted as if it didn’t happen, I could see there was a bit of curiosity about me this week, I wished for him to ask me anything, I just wanted him to start talking, even if that was asking about the weather. I didn’t mind answering his curious questions, he could even tell me about his day, although I suspected that it was nothing more than laying here with a laptop on his lap. Patting the box in front of me I spoke up “Hope you like baking.” He just looked at me, and the box, as if he was trying to decide if he had heard right,   
“It’s made by a baker friend of mine, I thought I would share with you” I said, offering him a cupcake.  
He looked thoughtfully for a few seconds, before finally folding the laptop up as he moved closer toward me, not really sure of what I was doing, When I opened the box containing the fresh cupcakes, the smell of baking and chocolate was irresistible to me, Sophia did a really good job.   
“You will like this for you entire life, I promise” I said, trusting my friend baking, she sent Liam a box of cakes every week, we were almost living on them, since we were such awful cooks.  
“I don’t understand why you brought them here with you? I mean a hospital isn’t the best place to share cupcakes” He asked, even though the real question I could see running through his head, was why would I share something with him,   
“Well, Sophia had this great idea of making her Fiancé and me taste all her new methods before she puts them onto the stores menu, and since I was going to be alone at home tonight, she offered to make some for me, and had the further idea to share it with the kids in hospital”  
“Oh, I get it......so your friend made them looks made by a professional” He said, looking at the pieces of fruit Sophia had added to them.   
“Actually she owns a bakery”  
“Oh, I understand” He said,   
“Go Ahead” I offered, him giving me the plate wanting me to put some there for him; I smiled picking the best to give.   
“Don’t you dare ask for me, Clear?” I joked, when he smiled around a cupcake, I can’t lie, the boy looked helplessly cute as he tried to fit the whole cupcake into his mouth, he looked like a three year old child. I smiled taking a bite for myself.  
“That was delicious; tell your friend thank you for the cake”  
“Sure will.” Keeping my smile in place as he took another bite, I secretly hoped he would say more, but he didn’t.   
“I used to be a baker too” He suddenly spoke.  
“Cool, well I think you will have to meet Sophia, she made that one, she would probably love to exchange experiences with you” trying to uphold a friendly conversation, I was grateful for the fact he had told me something willingly, starting to hope he might not be as hard to crack as I had previously thought, but not willing to raise them any higher.  
“Really, don’t forget to thank Sophia for this delicious cake” he repeated as he gathered the plate and fork and cleaned his mouth of any lingering chocolate.   
I throw everything into the bin in the hallway, as he returns himself back to his original position, I sit back on my seat, nothing a small chocolate smear on his cheek, taking out a tissue from my bag I clean it, at first he seems taken back about the closeness, blushing when he realising what I was doing, I just acted as if nothing had happened, putting the used tissue into my pocket not wanting to leave the room again, “Do you think we can talk this time?”   
“About?” He said, putting his head back against the pillow, placing his laptop on his lap once more, I could feel that he didn’t want to talk just by his tone, and his body language, but it was my job to push just a little,  
“You can talk about yourself?” I replied, he just chuckles, not even bothering to look at me  
“You can read my file”  
“I can do that, but I would much rather you tell me what you want me to know.”  
“Such a lazy therapist” He said, still no eye contact to speak of.  
“Actually, I don’t like to have expectations about somebody I have never met, I like to make up my own thoughts as I go, not take it from files,” I answered truthfully, trying not to let his attitude get to me, he had cancer, of course he would treat everybody this way, to push them away, maybe he had fears of being bullied, or pitied because of his disease, he was allowed to have an attitude like this  
He finally looked at me than, validating my answer, somehow it had made him turn to me, or it offended him so much that he was to appealed to continue burning a hole in his laptop, I understood why he would need something like his laptop or a book, or anything really, mostly he needed it as a distraction from what was going on around him, something to keep his mind of thinking about the whole situation for a while.   
“Okay, Mr. Know it all. You are here because I am ‘depressed’” he said the word with a sense of malice, almost like he was trying to mock annoyance, as if he wanted to send me a message the whole you know nothing about me and you never will, he gave off a sense of hate about the word, it didn’t truly belong as part of him so therefore it was meaningless, “ Because I should somehow be fine, when I have only got six months to live, to live with the horrible brain tumor, at only seventeen, with a medical treatment that is actually worse than then the actual cancer, called chemo, and somehow I am expected to be fine and happy.”  
His voice shook with the last few words, revealing all the pain and hurt the whole situation had caused, it was the most true thing he had to date told me about himself.   
“No one said you should be happy in the face of your cancer.” I said placing my hand on his, I could feel my heart racing and the shivering of his hand, only six months, that was 180 days before his heart would stop, no one would be happy about that. “But you seem as if you have given up even trying to beat the tumor, I’m curious as to why?” I keep my voice soft, I could sense that he was angry, angry because seventeen year old kids aren’t meant to be in hospital, seventeen year old kids aren’t meant to be sad, seventeen year old kids shouldn’t be alone and most importantly, seventeen year old kids shouldn’t be dying. It was not normal and it was absolutely wrong the be stuck inside four walls confined to a strange bed waiting for death to come and take over, but this what he was doing, he was already dead, stuck just waiting for the final act to come. “You know what? Some people live a life full of events and adventure, but they’re only truly happy at very countable moments and the rest is wasted on nothing, used up fighting their worries and fears and plans and sadness, you really you still have the chance to live a real life, you can’t simply just give up” He looked at me wiping away tears.  
“You have no idea how this really feels do you? I mean literally feeling as if you can count down till the day you die, I only have 180 days left for me, and I can’t live because I’m already dead, ever since the day they diagnosed me, I was dead” His voice cracked “I am going to lose myself, and nobody can do anything about it, they can only watch me as I die.”   
I shook my head slowly at his response, feeling a bit shocked at his sudden admission. Since I had first started this job I had understood many things about dying, not because I was too close to it, but because I’ve been watching it happen over and over again, there was many people who had no idea what death was like, but I was not one of them, I had seen death take over many people.   
“I do know what it feels like, because of what I am doing, I have seen seven kids die, I can still list their names, age, what their illness was, I can tell you what they looked like, birthdays and even the day they had to leave life, leaving a scar upon it, a scar they won’t ever have to feel but I will” I gave him a solid looking hoping he was really understanding, I seemed to be getting somewhere at least, before he wouldn’t even look at me and now he was opening up about his worst fears. I hoped I was finally touching him, repairing his soul that had became jaded and tired years ago. “ Trust me, I have any idea how it feels” He stared at me, his eyes daring me, seemingly unsure how to respond.   
“What it like?” He mouth said slowly. I could feel the feel the fear of knowing the answer, yet the curiosity in his voice, taking a deep breath I thought on the best way to respond.  
“It is like watching somebody fall off a train, and you try to catch them, but it’s raining and its making your grasp weaker, you try to hold on because you are this persons last chance, and somehow you do not want to lost them either, because they have become a part of you, but it doesn’t matter what you do, you can’t keep them from falling, all you can do it make the ultimate fall late, “I can’t tell you what it is actually like to die Harry, But I can tell you what is like to watch somebody’s heart stop, when I am as sure as the sky above that I cannot save you, but to hell with it if I didn’t try to hold on to you for as long as I could.”  
“I understand,” His voice cracked again as he looked at me with a smile, a smile hiding so much pain and sadness “Death is like falling.”  
“Excuse me?” I asked, not sure of what he meant,   
“Dying is like falling” He looked at me, smile not leaving his lips, but the expression was different, as if he had found something lost, like an answer he had waited a life time to hear, expect it showed a joy in him. “You can see the end to the fall, and you know you are going to hit hard, but you can’t stop it,” He said while looking at me  
“But that doesn’t mean you are unable to enjoy the fall itself” I said returning the smile, trying to add into the conversation.   
He didn’t return the smile; instead he sunk into his pillow, “If you don’t than you are wasting precious time” I said, resting back into the chair, we sat for a moment, I couldn’t tell you how long. I was lost in thoughts, sitting there watching him as he watched the nothingness, “Is there anything else you would like to talk about?” he shook his head, looking out at the rain on the other side of the window, I looked down at my electronic note, “Well It is time for me to leave, until next week you can think about something you want to talk about, I don’t care what, anything you want to talk about, all right?”  
He nodded, wiping away the last of his tears, I hadn’t even realised he was crying until I saw him do this, I wasn’t going to push him any more than I already had, I wanted to let time to that for him, and I had already reached a good point this week, last time I had gotten nowhere, but this week he had at least opened up, and that was progress. I just had to be patient with him, let him choose the right moment to trust me, to know that I can help, and that I wouldn’t give up “See you next week, have a beautiful night” I said, turning to leave  
“You still have ten minutes, why are you leaving? It wasn’t said with attitude, but in a way that said he didn’t want me to leave, or at least that’s what I wanted to believe.  
“if you don’t want to talk, than they is no point staying here for nothing” I watched as he looked at the light above his head, nervously biting his lower lip, proceeding to search for something, unearthing the piece of paper I had written my phone number on the week before,  
“Does this offer this stand?”  
“Anytime, you ring I will answer” I smiled back.  
He nodded, putting it back in the drawer next to his, I walked towards the door, turning to have a final look at him, I was walking away for good when I heard his voice,   
“Oh, Wait” I turned back to him wondering what was wrong “Good night, Louie” The look on my face must have been pretty stupid, causing him to giggle slightly.  
“Goodnight to you to Harry” I was about to make my way out again when one more thought popped into my head, “You know what Harry? I think you will survive the fall”  
The boy was not just sad, and alarmingly hard to crack, he was also a mix of charm, cuteness, he was sweet and possessed a light soul, It seemed to me as if this was the main reason he had given up, he wasn’t made to be a fighter, he was just a simple person, who took life as it came. He let life give him its all, and then he kept it all to himself, he was helplessly adorable for both known and unknown reasons, and the smile he gave me, made me promise that I was going to see more of it, even if that would turn out to be the last thing I would every do with my life.   
His whole facial expression range lit up with his real smile, it was as if it was the first time he had been told those words, or maybe perhaps just the first time he chooses to believe them. Either way counting down 180 days, it can be a while lifetime in itself, somehow I just felt this need to find his heart, I had to be the one to save him from the darkness he had locked himself into, I needed to be the one to find the reason, the reason for him to fight.   
_________________________________________________  
Author's Notes:  
“regular hexahedron box” Don't you think that was heavy word?! Simply that what's happen when you let Engineering Student writes a book :D  
Hello Guys! (: First I want to thank you so much for all the hits, Kudos, voting and reading on both of Ao3 &Wattpad, and Yay!! Ao3 reaching their goals, I'm so glad it's happening:D  
Comment please let me know if you have anything you want to tell me or even a question to ask.  
You can also contact me on private @Niav_Eden feel free to say whatever you want.


	5. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ►(A/N): I'd be so happy if you guys comment on my work, I'd love to know what do you guys think, thank you for 106 hits on Ao3 and 36 reader on Wattpad, you guys are awesome ☺All The Love -N

January 4th- Day 12  
Life isn't sweet at least not usually sweet, I felt overwhelmingness controlling my mind, I pushed the hospital door, walking out of the building my steps are fast and wide cross the side-walk.  
It was pouring rain as I walked out of the hospital door heading the underground station back to home, I took a seat next to an old lady, I flicked the screen of my phone open when I saw a message from Liam:  
Liam, 7:34 PM  
I Made dinner already, it's pasta and chicken nuggets if you have any objection don't forget to get your own dinner, Li.  
I smiled to the message as I typed a reply:  
Louis, 9:45 PM  
I think I'm okay with the pasta & the chicken nuggets, Lo.  
The lady who I seat next to her earlier looked a bit worried when she asked:” What time is it son?”  
“It's almost Ten, ma'am” I answered, she looked tot he ground when I asked:” can I help you with anything?”  
“Thank you son, I'm alright” she said polity, I felt she's in trouble or something and I kind of wanted to help her, she was old and it pretty late for anyone to be out at this hour, I said:” you know if you need help you just have to let me know I wouldn't late for it” she nodded, I looked to my phone again Liam hadn't answer so I guessed he left his phone in other room, Liam would never ignore a message unless he never knew about it, he always answering his phone and it's really comforting to know there's someone you can call anytime you're in trouble someone who's not 999, someone who really know who you're.  
“What's your name son?” the lady asked when I looked up at her answering with a soft smile:” Louis”  
“Louis, I- I'm a bit lost” she said when I put the phone into my pocket giving her my full attention as I asked:” I live around I might help you”  
“Thank you Louis, I came to stay with my daughter few days, she lives in London” she gave me a paper as she said:” that's her address, someone told me I have to take the underground and so I did”  
“That was right, next thing you have to take a cab and tell him the complex, I guess I heard about it, I don't think it's too far away of the station” I said with a slight smile when she nodded saying:” thank you so much Louis”  
The door's opened when the passengers walked out of the doors, the woman smiled toward me and waved slightly, when I waved to her back.  
When I came in to the flat I surprised when I saw Liam watching me as he heard me closing the front door, he was sitting on the couch when he looked at me over his seat when he noticed my presence he notice my wetness clothes when he said in shock:" are you crazy?! You walked under the pouring rain? Louis?" I said as he tried helping me to take off my wet coat:" couldn't find any cabs from the station... I didn't have other choice", he said:" why you didn't call me to pick you up?" I said:" thank you Liam but I didn't think about it that time and otherwise I thought you gonna have to cook dinner and Liam never mind I made it here without getting hurt" he shook his head as he brings me dry towel and dry warm clothes as he said:" I finished early, I was waiting you for dinner and you late just as usual, I waited you at least call to tell me you need a ride Lou" I smiled to the warmth of the dry cloth that hugged my skin, he said:" you gotta change all of your wet clothes before you catch cold I'll go making hot chocolate for you" I said:" make it coffee."  
I was laying half closed eye on the couch in the flat I was covered with blanket on the couch, Liam dim the light for me to relax, I think I fall sleep on there I was feeling flu getting into my bones breath start to tighten a bit along, Liam placed hot chocolate on the coffee table when I woke up as he said nearly whispering:" do you want anything else I might for you?” I said:" its okay Liam, what time is it?" he said:" it's one morning, are you okay?" I said:" yea" he said:" I think you are trying to be pretending you are but I think you caught cold, you had to call me I would drop by it wouldn't be a problem" Liam was being Liamish acting like my dad would emotional but firm still, care too much as if he's my real dad, it wasn't annoying it was hurtful 'cause I hate when he care too much about me especially when I'm too sad when it comes to one my patients condition or so.  
My phone ranged on the coffee table, I sit up reaching for it when Liam handle it to me saying:" Patient?" I nodded who else would call me too late at night he sighed feeling helpless toward me, I hate when I make him feel this way but I can't help either.  
"Hey" I said to the unknown number, I tired to sound fine but it sounded more shakily and unsteady... I was too sick, though.  
I thought it should be patient, no patient really called me so late when it wasn't too serious everything about them was important to me I didn't really bother when they had to call midnights or even early mornings, I just answer my phone whatever what they wanted to say, even if it was hard for me to help them get through their rough time at least I knew that I tried my best.  
"Is it Louis?" I heard soft and deep voice in the other line, I said:" yea, it's me" he said:" it's Harry".  
"Hi, Harry" I was happy to know he called and a bit surprised he did I didn't expected him to call me anytime soon.  
"Harry, are you okay" I asked softly, he said:" I'm fine... did I wake you up? You actually said I can call anytime I wanted so I did" he asked when I replied:" I didn't go bed yet actually thank you 'cause you took my offer so glad you did" he said:" your voice sound like you was sleeping".  
"I just got cold that's it" I said I could hear his soft breathe imagining his audible smile on the phone with soft breathes tickled my ear he said:" sorry for that, get well soon though" I smiled saying:" thank you".  
I signed to Liam that I'm going my room; he nodded quietly as he took the mugs to the sink as I walked to my own room.  
I covered up in my blankets the warmth was nice under the covers away of thick law temperature of the air, I said:" so what do you wanna talk about?" it took him a moment after he sighed then he said:" I'm kinda of liked you been talking... I just wanted to hear your voice".  
I can hear his unsteady tones with shaking soften breathes but what he said about wanting to hear my voice made smile on my face... I could hear piano & violin playing on the other line kind of too sad music, I said:" is that your laptop?"  
"No, it's the TV" he said half whisper and half painful moaning, I said heart raced:" Are you alright, Harry?" he said:" a bit headachy".  
"I wish I can help you through this one" I said truly softly, I think I felt sorry for him 'cause I knew how does it seem to feel so much pain that you think you can't handle but you helpless about it and knowing that everybody is just the same, make it even worse 'cause it turn it into hopeless too.  
"Louis? Are you still there?" he asked softly I can hear his verbalizing lips whispering softly into my ear through my phone, I said:" I'm here I'm not anywhere else".  
He sighed shakily then said:" tell me about you" he asked softly, I can hear his breathing through the phone.  
I don't really talk that much about myself with the patient not openly, it wasn't a rule of mine but I didn't want to complicate other lives with mine, they didn't have to know about me, they didn't have to care.  
I heard the violins that played short and soft on the TV that he let it play on the soundtrack of our phone call, for some reason I was okay with talking to him about me I was fine by letting him know it, I was fine by whispering everything about me through the phone to someone I just met week ago... all I hoped that I was making progress, that I was really helping him.  
"My name is Louis, I had born in Doncaster December 24th, 1991, I have nice five sisters and one brother Lottie is the older then comes Fizzy and there's the twins Daisy &Phoebe and the younger one is Ernest and Doris"  
He hummed saying:" you must be happy with such a big family" I said:" I love all of them and yea we good".  
I could feel his smile through the phone as he whispered:" I'm listening, Louis" I said:" my mom named Jay, she work as a nurse"  
"I live in shared apartment with my mate Liam, he's a fire fighter... we two suck in cooking and cleaning our miss, so Sophia - who's Liam's fiancé helping the miserable of us two to keep this flat clean so we can still be a life in such environment" he chuckled quietly in the other line.  
I rested my head well on the pillow plugging the headphones into the phone so I don't have to put it close to my ears as I said:" when I was Eleven-".  
"Louis, would you please remove the headphones it make you voice faded" he said softly, when I said:" okay".  
I removed them replace the phone under my right ear when I said:" better?" I asked softly when he hummed.  
"When I was eleven..." I wasn't really sure if I had to tell him this it was sad story at least for me, I wasn't sure how he would take it anyway but this story was part of me and I couldn't just ignore it 'cause it was belong to my being that thing that happened when I dragged hospital in the middle of night with my breath stopped into my lungs as mom carried me to the ER.  
I can't remember what was worse that night my stopped breathes or her tears, i had this feeling that I wasn't fine but how bad that was... I guessed it was too much worse from my mom attitude with holding my hand in hers and just crying as she begged me not to leave her alone, I wished if I could hold her hand back that time but I had no strength to hold hers back, that time I...  
"I'd diagnosed with Lymphoma the Lungs tumor." I said.  
I paused for a while; let my words come down in mind for a moment, I whispered:" I was lucky to diagnosed early, I was only 11 when I had to heading hospital late nights and heading out early mornings losing breath, I lost too much weight, I lost my hair... I was watching mom dying as she watched me dying and she had nothing to do, everything was telling me I'm dying... no way I'm leaving this world doctors words, meds doses that become huger everyday, my body which went skinner I was only 98 pound even with all of this I never let it get this feel of losing get into me, I was telling myself if I ever gave up I'm going to be hopeless but through all of this I never thought I was going to die, I refused to let my body pin me down or depressed me, I refused to let cancer take the whole of me with out a fight and I fought even when I was dead tired and really sick of being a life with this miserable lungs I didn't lost hope that I can be better I pushed my self to believe and when I did I never lost the faith in me."  
"Is that why you do all of this? Helping others not to give up too?" he asked softly, I wished if I read his mind or see his face I wanted to know if he does have any believe in me that I could help him or he think that I can't.  
"I think I do it 'cause I think if we don't have something to believe in life would be pointless, if we didn't fight for life the whole exist is meaningless, must be some reason for being in life" I said.  
"What's your reason Louis?" he asked when I took deep breath then I said:" I think I'm here to save people from falling outta of the edge of lost in fears and worries."  
"There are so many people standing on that edge, you know?" he said softly when I said:" I know I can't save then all but at least I can try my best for one, I can save someone even if this is gonna be for a little while I think it would worth it."  
I stopped, out of words. He didn't reply, the soft static of his breathing the only sound in the room.  
"I think maybe you're saving me, Louis Tomlinson" he whispered those words to my ear and I felt my heart aching from racing to the feeling of being kind of promised.  
"Have you read my file yet?" he asked slowly softly when I replied:" no, not yet".  
"I want you to read it" he said assured when I just wondered what I might found between those paper that placed in his manila, what so interesting in them that he wanted me to know? I said:" okay".  
"Louis?"  
"Yes, Harry"  
"Would you sing to me so I would fall sleep?"  
"I can't sing" I never been a singer the only one time was in the high school in Grease Play and I wasn't even that talent.  
"Would you please try?" he asked softly leaving no way for no. I just asked:" which song?"  
"Any song" he answered, there was something about him that calmed me, soothed my often frazzled brain and made everything okay, like nothing else important in the whole world.  
I heard the music stopped on the laptop... I didn't thought about any other song but this one, I always felt it in my bones; I took deep breath as I start singing not care too much that I totally changed the rhyme of the song:  
"When you try your best but you don't succeed, when you get what you want, but not what you need." I covered well in the blankets tried to be soft for his headache as I can, I tired to take his pain away; I tried to help him.  
"When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse" I closed my eyes.  
"When the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can't replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?"  
I stared up at my ceiling, the notes treading the line between song and whisper. And when I spoke them they weren't just words but promises. "Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you"  
With every word sliding outta of my lips I was promising him, it was promises for me, I meant every word of it, I'm not sure how long I did I spend like this, sending him little pieces to him as if I knew him for life time but I felt like this, and it was not but I felt like I did.  
"Harry?" I asked softly, but there was no response from the other side, just the steady inhale and exhale of his breath. "Have a nice night"  
I thought about hanging up, but in the end I just rolled onto my side, set the phone on my pillow next to me and soaked in the rhythm of his breathing.  
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale... My eyes won't let me without go sleep now over his breathing sound as we two didn't hang up the whole night.  
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
How happy your life would if you try to help others! You have to try to figure it out  
Hi Guys! This chapter meant to be short so don't worry, more coming soon, thank you @Brinlkly22 for her amazing beta editing.  
I just wanna thank those nice people who had voted for my work on Wattpad & those nice figures who had left me a kudos on Ao3, you guys are so nice.


	6. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise You Don't Have To Wait Till The Next Update 'Cause You Guys Already Gonna Got It Right Now, Enjoy! Comment Please and Leave a kudos if You like It, All The Love ♥- N
> 
>  
> 
> ►(A/N): Mention of attempted suicide, overdosing and self-harm nothing graphic, you gonna be just fine, all the love- N.

January15th – Day 23  
It was Friday evening almost 6 when I finished my shower brushed my hair to one side, I sniffled as I took a seat on the couch wearing the socks Karen -Liam's mom- had knitted for me.  
I sneezed I can fee the cold getting worse, I searched for the tissue box for emergencies, I walked through the corridor to my room finding the hexahedron box empty, I finished this morning when I was getting ready to work.  
I get new one from the chest of drawers, I opened as I walked to the living room again, I let the lights off as the gray evening make suitable dim lighting in the room.  
I rested my head on the arm of the couch, I took a deep breathe but I felt my lungs on fire I coughed so hard that I sit, the cold I caught was diffidently getting worse; but I didn't want to take a day off the weekend was enough I hoped that somehow I'll get better by Monday.  
Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder:“Louis, Louis are you alright?” it was Liam's he was kneeling next to the couch, I nodded gathering my breathe, I didn't know where Liam came back I hadn't heard him entering the flat or opening the door.  
“I thought you'll late today?” I said when he replaced his coat on the coffee table as he said:” Sophia, visiting a friend of hers and I didn't want to go out”  
“It's Friday Liam, why you don't want to go out?” I asked when he shrugged saying:” I just wanna have a lazy night watching silly thing on TV and sleep early”  
“You sound so boring” I sighed covering my face with the blanket when he sit up on the couch as he tickled me saying:” okay Mr. Fun what do you suggest to do tonight?”  
“Let's eat pizza and watch James Bond” I said when he raised an eye borrow:” James Bond?! We don't have that movie”  
“Yea, I know you go rent it and I'll order pizza, agree?” I said, when Liam sighed saying:” you know this is not fair but I'll go for one reason that you gonna wash the plates after”  
“You know I hated doing the plates, it's disgusting” I said when he smirked saying:” you gotta learn how to Enjoy them though” I huffed as he took his coat along with the keys.  
We really enjoy James Bond we talked about it for hour after it finished:” that was great one” I agreed drinking some of the orange juice Liam had brought in his way back home, he placed the bottle front of me getting up and stretching out as he said with yawn:” you finish the whole of it and I'll go sleep”  
“I won't finish it all just take the rest to the fridge, please” I said resting my headachy head on the couch's arm:” I brought it for you to increase vitamin 'C' in your systems, it's gonna help your immune system fighting the flu” Liam said as he walked to his room.  
“Thanks Doc” I sassed him when he didn't bother to look at me walking to his room, that when I know that he was really had enough of today, I laid on the couch replacing few pillows around and tucking the blankets well, I replaced my earplugs in and plug them into the socket, I opened my files on the phone searching for something I want to listen.  
♫Mom &I- Donny, 16 September, 2015  
I turned the Mp3 file on, I can heard mom through earplugs saying:” Daisy what I have said about feeding Ernest carrots!”  
“But Ernie Bunny would love carrots!” I chuckled Daisy not that innocent she just loves to be the little Daisy who feeds Ernie Bunny vegetables, she enjoys seeing Ernie and Doris go older just as I enjoyed watching Lottie and Fuzzy got the same too.  
“Daisy carrots too hard for his teeth, he would enjoy a banana or something soft” I can hear mom stirring with the wooden spoon into the cooking pan as Daisy's bare foot steps running.  
“She would treat him as a monkey now!” mom said and I can hear my own chuckle I still chuckling even when I already did before, things that made us smiles once wouldn't fail make us smile again… I guess.  
“Why nobody feed Dory Bananas too?” I asked I can hear so far voice saying:” Dory is a sleep Lou-Lou”  
“It's Louie!” I said, “Never mind they would never listen, they will keep use it against you” she said, I could hear the metal pan replaced on a table.  
The record went on and on I was listening to some point when I gave up to sleep, I fall a sleep on mom's voice as she told me about what happened when Ernie took Dory's chubby stuffed bear and who she cried helplessly waiting for mom to bring it back, how the little Dory was too peaceful and never react to her brother's annoyance, she told me that Dory and Ernie had my own persona parted between the two of them, how she sees in me in the twin:” It's as if I got Louie separate in two version of boy and girl” mom said.  
January16th – Day 24  
I put the manila pages that caught Harry's medical history on the kitchen table and beside them I put a cup of tea, it was early morning when I decide I had enough of sleeping last night I had the best sleep night ever thank all to Mom, my body shivered with coldness of the early morning of the middle of January, I wore an extra jumper on my pajamas for more warmth.  
I can say my tiredness situation was going bad it was more than just a cold or flu, so vacation day just came in the best time I just in the time I needed.  
Liam walked toward me saying:" morning Louie" I looked at him with my glasses on as I said:" morning Liam" turning my sight back to the file front of me as he walked to the cabinet bringing a box of cereals from the upper shelf as he said:" had breakfast?" I said looking to Harry's file:" I'm good" he bring himself a bowl and add some milk to it as he said conversationally:" new patient?"  
I looked at his file trying to sound professional:" met him few week ago" I start reading avoiding any reaction that may I got over talking about Harry... there was picture for him, his name, his age and the whole medical history, Liam said tossed a spoonful of cereals as he said:" the midnight caller?" I nodded remembering his voice... the fuzzy, deep and warm voice that stuck in my mind:" the one and the same" he get closer to my side as he said:" nice boy though, don't you think so?"  
I pulled the file towards my chest as he tried to take a look to the page, I said:" patient confidentiality, Liam" he smiled saying:" he look beautiful to sweet, right?" well, yea of course Harry looked cute and sure he was nice boy with sort of sadness.  
"Don't you have any cats to bring them down trees?" I said realizing that Liam was still home when he supposed to be in the fire station waiting for any emergencies.   
Liam said laughing:" No, It's day off today... but don't worry I'll let the house for you as I'll go see Sophia we're going for shopping, do you need anything before I go?" I looked back to the file when I said:" sure, don't you forget to tell Sophia my hello" he said:" of course your hello, Lou" he winked tossed his bowl in the sink and wash it before he left as he said:" see you later" I smiled watching him leaving.  
"Bye, Liam" I looked back to the file trying to stay in with my mind in the flat not going with Liam to his own date, I flipped the second page I scanned the paper for anything usual in his file... when my eyes caught two words made my heart slow to be nearly stopped... Attempted Suicide!  
The words blur front my sight the light was fading in the room around me, I tried to get up, I replaced my hand on the counter for support the cup fell on the floor and broke to pieces as I tried to carry myself walking to the bathroom... I'm not sure if that the flu or the shock from what I had read I was getting lightheadness… I put my head under the cold water that made my breath raced and labored into my chest and my heart beat faster.  
I walked back to my early seat I let my my knees get closer to my chest as continue reading, my hair wet my clothes with the water drops, Overdose, cuts...History of self harm...  
20th of December that was few days far before... it was before days since I met him.  
as my face was wet by the cold water Oh Harry!... Why would you do this to yourself?  
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
I had finished this basically 1:13 AM ☺ and I really enjoy typing this one on my laptop, it's my little escape away of everything, I hope you guys found this one as your escape or at least a place where you enjoy being you.  
Thank you for all the nice people who hit on my work on Ao3, thank you for the nice people who comment on Wattpad and who voted too.  
Comment to let me know if you have a question or anything to let me know, all the love- N.


	7. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ►(A/N): Mention of attempting suicide and suicidal thoughts I must warn you this one is one of the most trigger chapters I ever wrote careful please, if you have a past of self harm or depression you can skip it, I'll add a summary1 in the end of this chapter so you guys can keep track with the story, I love you all ♥- N

Chapter 5:

January 19th- Day 27  
It would sound pretty stupid but I had the few days before our next meeting thinking about him, it really hit me... I kind of tried to glue everything I knew about him together the hard to crack boy, the broken heart one, the one I send him pieces of me through the phone &the one who really end up desperate with life... it just couldn't come together not when you saw that smiled and the bright greens orbs of him... hard to believe that's he's the same boy.  
I felt relief as I opened his room's door, he was looking to the window with his warming blanket pulled up to his waist phone in the hand as if he waiting someone to call or to message him...eyes glued to window as if the paradise placed outside I said:" I start thinking you would like to go out" he said:" it's cold outside” I smiled friendly he didn't even look at me, his eyes staring to the window in losings thoughts.  
I was feeling the same now... I looked at him wondering if he possibly be the same boy who called me few days...with those breathes I fall sleep to...but some where there's a shadows belong to this broken boy with soft slow voice...but he had his walls up now so he was hiding away" doing well then?"  
"A bit headachey" he replied as his phone buzzed... he looked to it, i just took my jacket off as he looked at me for short while them place his sight back to his phone.  
I moved from the doorway, as I looked around making a picture of how it would be living in Harry's room look like...his laptop charger was plugged into an extension cord by his bed which let the wire go on the floor to an outlet next to his laptop.  
His closet had few pants and jackets hanging up in a row I can see how he liked things organized together... and somehow he had so colorful clothes...few Jack Will's shirts different designs of white, brown and gray colored jackets and two pair of shoes on the floor white converse and black one and in-occasionally a red one.  
The table beside him had mug, orange notebook... I wonder if those were his diaries pens in plastic cup and frame of him and some baby in there he had poured happy and soft smile upon his features and the baby wonderfully looked happy too... it was so beautiful picture that I would stare at for too long no without feeling bored, he looked happy in that one:" Who is the baby?" he looked at me saying:" hmm?" I said signing:" the frame"  
He looked at that one then back his attention his phone:" family" I knelt looking to their bright faces he was beautiful blonde haired boy he looked around few months, Harry was kissing him on the cheek sweetly and the baby seemed to love it, I said:" your brother?" he looked back at me when he said:" my sister's son " he paused before:" he's so beautiful baby by the way."  
He smiled to his phone the looked at me smirking:" are you gonna say next that we all family of beautiful people?" I raised an eyebrow... well, I kind of thought about it secretly 'cause I didn't want to sound like a creep to him, I said:" well you seem to be... your green eyes are nice and you know dimples are greet too"  
He officially laughed when I couldn't fought it:" What's wrong?" he said:" I don't know you sounded like someone who buying a house so he look to colors and so" I smiled shyly when he said unsure softly:" Mom thought it would be nice to have his photo to feel better"  
"Does it help to feel any better?" I asked taking my usual seat next to his bed, when he finished what he was typing on his phone then said:" not really".  
I was surprised from how all the laugh disappeared between the pain he that got in his answer" Why not?"  
He finally gave me full attention his green eyes gave me a look of shocking and asking, framed by dark lashes that sent shadows into the dark hollows under his eyes he looked tired... beautiful but so tired as if he didn't slept for weeks and he felt as if he didn't too, he said:" because I'm dying" he said this as if I should knew it as if it should be obvious to me.  
He looked at the window trying to swallow his sadness even when he was the one who said that it seems sadder than usual...and it always is sadder than usual every time he has to be the one to remind him he's not okay...and he's simply dying.  
"You really need to change this... you need to get outta of this room" he just look at me questioning I wasn't asking I was going to take him out of here... being sitting in this room made him sadder as if wasn't just going to die but as if he has to wait the death himself and not to forget it's coming thank all to this place he been staying in.  
"I'm not ready to go out maybe tomorrow" he said as if this answer would make me leave him alone, but I can't accept this answer there was no way I'm going to let him stay here for more minutes his answer wasn't enough to placate me from taking him out.  
"Pile up more tomorrows and you gonna end up with empty yesterdays... and instead of looking to outside why we don't just be out there? What might be stopping you from being there?" he said:" what we are going to do outside?" I said:" you have one of two first we can spend this meeting at asking overly personal questions here or just walk out for clean air trying to catch up what we can catch before the day slip away... free you know".  
He looked at me realizing in this situation I was right and also I do have the upper hand... he want to the change to try the difference, he said:" are you always trying to push the people to do what you want?" I said:" isn't everybody trying to?" he said:" I think I hate this part about you, you make me hate that part about you" he slides outta of his bed as he tried to stand up on his unsteady legs I wanted to help him but I knew he would hate it... he still try to keep walls and he didn't want to feel as if he needs anyone especially not me.  
I can see his body was skinny but his shoulders were keeping on his muscular frame yet.  
"Is that only one thing that you hate about me?" I asked standing and zipped my jacket for warmth smiling to his previous admission.  
He gave me a glimpse as he beautiful smile played on his lips as he said:" only this one thing" I smiled as he said motion toward the door:" would close the door I'm trying to change here!"  
"You don't really need to change, they look good on you...and it's only a walk" I said as he took an outfit outta of the suitcase underneath his own bed as he looked at me seriously when I said:" you would look just okay in anything” his eyes widen as he said:" you have no idea how many days I've been wearing those"  
I cracked a smile saying:" I'm so sure like sure the sky above I don't want to know"  
He made a swirling motion with his fingers. "Turn around. The clothes are coming off" I laughed as I turned to the window's view... the seen was beautiful over here London looked really dressed in white.  
It looked as if London was getting married, as if London wanted to feel happy by wearing the white dress that made of the snow flakes.  
"How do I look, on scale 1to10?" he asked as he gave me a full turn.  
"Maybe 8.9" I answered with a grin on my face, he wore black Ramones t-shirt and wore another gray jumper on and loosely blue jeans that looked no longer tight on him, my 8.9 was nothing compare to what he's really look he looked like a model for an expensive Saint Lauren 's cologne even with the dark lines under his eyes and his messy wavy hair he looked beautiful, I sort of got that feeling of that there's a special beauty in the broken things, just like glass it wouldn't shine like diamond if it never shatter to pieces, it's metaphorically looked a lot like him.  
"hmm, that was specific... but thank you" I said:" I laid I give you 10" he looked at me and said:" really thank you but I'm stratified with 8.9 guess what I still have chances to improvements" I said:" no really 10 are fair" he said:" okay you scaled" he wet his lips looking around for something when he put his phone in his jacket's pocket, then put his hair a side.  
He winked to me when I noticed that I was a kind of staring at the boy:" what like what you see, Louie?" he sassed I laughed as I said:" getting cheeky aren't we?" he walked toward the door.  
"Its part of my charm" he didn't lost the wall he had earlier but I was happy that we reached the this point when we use to miss around with no more lines, something he didn't let me feel it but he was ready to show it now a bit... just a bit maybe he wasn't so hard to crack after all, I said maybe.  
Smuggling him out of the hospital turned out to be a pretty easy task... It didn't take more than a soft smile of mine and converse with his nurse Rosie about how lovely was the movie on BBC last night and how it's going to end up -which was romantic for sure- it was enough to replace her suspicious glare with a blush instead, I didn't even had to use my other weapons not the look or the touch... I just have to save those for the next time 'cause I didn't want this time to be only one I get him out of this place.  
He looked to the sky and I kept trying to pull him away from the cars side, as if it was his first day in his life to see the street the car passed by and he had to watch this one moving he looked to the buildings, stores, people, dogs -that he was careful with them- as if they may scared him a bit, even children were fun to watch for him, if i didn't know exactly who I was walking with I would say I was walking with jungle man 'cause everything in the city seemed to be fun for him, heavy with premonitions of snow and I worried briefly about my trip home. Hopefully we'd avoid any major snowstorms until I was safely backed in my apartment and make it with him back to hospital.  
"Where are we heading?" he finally asked looking at me.  
"Depends on if you like cup of coffee and cupcakes just as the one we had before or no?" i said leading him away from the cars who slowed for the traffic jam.  
"You are not seriously meant anything behind this question, do you?" he stopped walking taking his hand away from mine looking at me waiting for answer to come along after his question.  
I let soft laugh out of as I said: "I was just make sure you would love the place we heading, it's Sophia's store" I slipped my hands into my pockets as chilly wind whipped moving my hair a side and chilling my nose a bit.  
Smile cracking his face with a tiny upward tilt of his soft lips that warmed me up softly but with feel of long inhaled...effected!  
He put his collar around his chin for warmth as his hand shoved deep in his pockets as if he could physically fight the coldness, his face was pink and his breath wreathed his features like smoke in the air, his hair moved a bit with his shiver as he said:" I forgot what the winter smelled and feel like" he had a lungful of air into his chest.  
"You don't really get out that much, Do you?" I asked tried to sound as it normal question to avoid the stab of remind him of the sadness I tired to get him out from, when I realized touching his words again... this is gonna be his last winter... last time he would be standing under snow in February, last time he would be able to live the same day next year.  
"No" he said trying to sound normal curling up to himself... and I felt a little bit regretted to ask him this, we walked in silence for two or three blocks... all the things I might be say had gone and he didn't mind share silence with me any way.  
I pointed to the small bakeshop as I said:" we are here" I took his arm as I pushed the door when small bell by the door rang... the place was warm and so comfy the warmth took the coldness chill away, it was one of my favorite quit places, I looked at him to see how found he became in the store.  
Harry's eyes widened as he look around the small tables, the jazz paints here and there, the windows were decorated with the blue curtains, the dim light mixed with the winter day make it so comfortable blue and gray with golden lights everywhere, there beautiful music the played smoothly in the air with the low conversation the customer have here that wasn't so clear even with the cloth the broke the strength of the voices Disciple making the noise as less as it possible made it all perfect for the weather, I sign to Sophia at the counter her creamy dress and the bright lipstick made her shining almighty, she walked toward us saying:" hey, Louie!".  
"Hi, Sophia" I said when she said softly:" hi" Harry tagged behind me when I looked at him saying:" Harry...this Sophia, remember Sophia, right?"  
He smiled warmly to her as he shacked her hand saying:" Liam's Sophia?" she smiled in surprised the he recognized her and her fiance too.  
I tried to act as no impressed by him having too much attention to what I had told him but no way I had to... can't fight it, I said:" Yea, the one and only".  
Sophia in other hand was impressed too as she looked at me saying:" did you told him about me, Louie?"  
"Only few nice things" I assured her, unzipping my coat as the warmth of the shop crept into my bones, when I asked:"so Harry and I here to enjoy hot beverage and some of your cupcake what's fresh?"  
She said:" I had chocolate and strawberries cupcakes before minute I think it's delicious one you gotta taste it" I looked at Harry saying:" like chocolate? strawberries?" he nodded me said:" we okay with that" she said:" wanna me offer any drink with that one?" I said:" tea the usual way. You Harry?" he said:" Chocolate, please" I was stuck for his low husky quality of his beautiful voice, I didn't realize how much did I miss.  
"Have the table you want I'll be right back, okay?" he nodded; he moved toward the window in the corner of the shop near to the jazz paint... he sit there watching me.  
I followed Sophia as if he becomes outta of his ear shot she said:" oh my god Louis... he's so cute... How you met him? when? where? Tell me everything come on!"  
I raised an eyebrow surprised of her reaction of meeting Harry then fixed her with a 'LOOK' saying:" First. Guess what? I'm his therapist so you can get the medical impossibility about anything you may think to ask, Second. Guess again he's a patient obvious he's not my friend or my best friend... at least for what I know that he's not looking to get more people into his life"  
Her face fell for a while then said in back up:" but he's so nice Louie at least be nice back to him, don't you think you can like him just a little bit?"  
"Of course I like him Sophia he is my patient there's no reason I won't" I tried to keep my voice low as she prepared our drinks as I continue:" we are not even friends so let the idea leave your head please... and where this idea come from anyway?"  
"He's nice guy... you know the kind of the baby brain GOD Louie look at him" she said looking at me, when I thought a bit:" Sophia! I really don't care!" I paused then said:" what I'm supposed to do, yes; he's nice... okay; he's cute and all GOD Sophia, stop he doesn't want to make his life more difficult and I won't do this to him too!" I said in serious tone.  
She looked at him then said:" I'm sorry! What I'm sure about is...this boy kinda of like you I mean he stuck to you as if you his protective body, I can see when you entered this place, his eyes glued on you as if he let go of looking at you he would let go of his life, this looks can't be normal... and god Louis he look so cute...he moving his hair God Louis it curly hair he can't get any cutting."  
I flicked my eyes back over to Harry, who was busy looking to the Jazz paint as he tried to see if there's any sign for me back. She was right, he was cute, very, incredibly, helplessly, hopelessly and unfairly cute. He was also someone I was supposed to help through their time of need, not to get their life more complicated with my presence, I was supposed to help not to be a friend  
I feel that he knows that he has to let me go in some point and I have to make it feel all fine to him, I have to be disremembered to him. It would be completely inappropriate and it also can end up with both of us hurt therapist not supposed to make a changing point of their patient not to be that point and that's a different: "It wouldn't be professional."  
"Professional! Give it a chance Louie" I looked at her then said:" Sophia!" I looked to my feet when she said rubbing my arm:" you knew two persons for the past two years which is Liam and I, you have to let your-self have friends trust people let them love you Louie give them a chance... you don't have to be lonely 'cause of what you are" she smiled handing me the tray when I took it carefully:" you and me Sophia are no longer friends don't you ever talk to me again."  
"I love you too Boo Bear!!" she said giggling at me, this girl know exactly how to make me angry and how to turn it back all into the water of the comedy sea that's why I want her and Liam married someday.  
I looked at Harry who took his chocolate cup as he smiled saying:"Boo Bear?" he took a sip of his own drink trying not to laugh on my nickname he just gave me adorable smirk that I just smiled at.  
I cringed though, if I was honest, the nickname did amuse me:" Liam heard my Mom call me that once. Still haven't managed to live it down I don't even know why they call me this."  
He took another sip from his drink; he looked at me into the eye as he smiled:" 'cause you look like a bear... it's cute".  
You're Cute.  
I frozen as I processed the new thought that just landed in my head... my poor head Oh God!!I'm killing Sophia for what she did to my brain.  
"Are you okay?" he said worried, I said:" yea," it was clear, I looked missy 'cause of Sophia's stupid ideas... she's dead.  
Harry smiled as he grabbed one of the cupcakes he scraped a bit with his forefinger, licking it off, he didn't look at me as he said:" Louis?"  
"Yes, Harry?"  
"You read my file, didn't you?" it wasn't a question for me of course I would stayed on all of those pages 'till I finished them all I did around four or five times before our meeting, what caught me the sad expression that his voice had, that mixed of guilty? I guess.  
"Yea, you told me to do it and I did what you had told me to do" I said kind of regretted 'cause somehow what I done was reason for this expression now, and this look silly as if this part of my job and I supposed to read the patients file without their permission.  
"It's probably best that you know now a lot about me." he looked at me and tried to look as if reading his file wasn't that big deal to worry about he sighed, and I noticed the way he rested his left arm on the table underside down like it was a habit. I reached out, resting my forefinger and thumb on his wrist, silently asking his permission.  
He had frozen gazing my finger motion, holding perfectly still. I hold his arm in my hand I lift his sleeve up there was still banded ones, my eyes caught the red scares on his arm there were seven I let my fingertips touching them slowly I felt my heart ache and my breath become deeper and slower the cuts were deep and neat he was serious about it, it wasn't just bad habit of cutting... he wanted to finish his life.  
I let my fingers run over them I felt him shivering at my touches and for a moment I wondered if I gone too far, but he didn't take his arm away merely letting his eyes flutter shut and clenching his hand into fist.  
"Why did you do that to yourself?" I asked softly, feeling strange feel for a moment as if there's sometime between the arriving and sitting that take much as we know, this sitting end us up in our little world the secret of him that no one knows but me... things we pretend it just like this.  
"I was tired of feeling the same feel over and over again, I couldn't stop my fears and I couldn't used to them not to mention dealing with them, it ended up with me feeling nothing and i become afraid-" he sighed wiping a tear away as he said:" afraid that I won't get them back ever after, I couldn't deal with losing feels 'cause with out them everything was wrong, I was lost in guilty and fears... that the whole medication can help me to get me fixed nobody could fix."  
"Does it help?" I knew the answer before he tells but it was part of the road to make him realize what he's missing.  
"No."  
"But you thought getting yourself this way would help you to get them back, right?" I asked as I put my arms toward him to let him know I want him to converse me more 'cause we finally got somewhere... it's rough but it's important.  
"No" he paused, as he glanced at the table and slid his arm away from my hand down his sleeve, it was his body defensing himself away from me, he curled up a little he wanted to avoid me, but in the same time he wanted to finish this, he wants to fill me everything I had to know... and he wanted me to know.  
"Then why you did this?" as a part of my work I dealt with so many different suicide in different forms and I would say whatever the reasons they had it was only the same ideas... nobody seemed to fit to be suicide whatever the reasons he had and Harry Styles was no exception.  
He seemed trying to find the right way to say the answer for my question the one that would maybe make it sense for me, he took long sip of his cocoa he sit there for a little silence while then said:" I died year ago when i diagnosed It was only matter of time until cancer catching my body up it's not about breathing and hearts beating, you know."  
It's not true Harry you hadn't died that day Harry, you died when you gave up but you still you have chance to make new life you're lucky to have six months to live you still have a chance you can't give up on life 'cause you'll die so you just living death it's unfair choice" I realized I was holding his shoulders shaking him hoping he would see what he had choice he was missing... the fate he choice for months ago, the decision of giving up on everything in life and just allow death to take everything to let it win easily without a fight or a try but I can see the lost look in his eyes as if he was hiding somewhere that I can't reach.  
"But I'm dying this is can't be ignorable" he replied tears slid down his face.  
"So am I" I hissed back.  
"But that's different" he replied and I can feel the broken heart in his voice that he tried to make sound strong but he failed.  
"No, it's not different, Harry... you know I can walk out of this door and I might be crashed by a car, I could slip on the ice outside breaking my skull into two, I could just get heart attack even when I'm not having any heart troubles but human dies a lot with it with out any previous alter these days... for God's sake Harry It doesn't mean I would waste entire life 'cause one day my time will be up all and I'm going to die... do you understand what I'm trying to tell you, Harry? Look you can't think about life as only life with out any death and you can't think about death as its only death without any life... they complete each other so you can punish the entirely to give you death young... Harry there's beautiful things we wouldn't be able to feel if it didn't up with us dead."  
He looked at me:" like what?" he asked softly.  
"Like friends you make and the love you got and many it wouldn't mean anything if we stayed immoral that what make our life a life that what make it beautiful and meaningful choose to deal with the death part forgetting why the death is existing for, you have to feel it live a real life with it dealing with the reality its coming."  
"But I can't" he said softly filled with such sadness and somehow guilty maybe he was really broken beyond the fragile repair "I'm falling Louis, I've been falling for so long time I'm afraid that I for got how to stop to even to slow the fall anymore."  
"Even if you fall Harry, you know the only different between fall and fly is the way you land in the end" I said feeling those words I had read before something I thought about over and over again thing seemed to be obvious, I said softly:" you can say my job is to be your wings in this fall" I felt what my words meant I was nearly promising again... for a reason I would do whatever for him just to save him in the end even if took my entirely.  
"Okay" he said, leaning back to the seat as he looked to snow falling as he said not giving me a glance:" I'm sorry" I sipped my drink not saying a word when I realized what just he said.  
"Sorry for what?" he looked into my eyes:" to be such hard to be fixed" I surprised as I said:" you shouldn't apologize not of this is your fault you didn't want yourself to be like this and that what going to save you in the end."  
He slowly smiled it was sad one but true one, hopeful one I guess, I took deep breath as I smiled back, his smile went wider as he wiped his tears something make me really want to jump across the table to hug and tell him it's fine.  
I took a bit of my cupcake I surprised as I said:" Strawberry frosting, I thought it just pink!"  
Harry smiled for the late notice as he raised his cupcake to his lips he bit it when I asked:" Harry, do you like to eat your favorite things first or you like to let the best to the end of the plate?"  
"I think I like to leave it to the end, why you ask?" I said:" that's good sign" I bit huge bit from my cupcake he said:" what doesn't mean" I said:" people who leave the best for the end are patient and more mindful" he smiled saying:" sound old" I surprised of his answer then I just laughed as he laughed too.  
"Who made the cupcake the king of eating the cupcake today?" I asked playfully as he smiled saying:" cupcake?! Is that what you just called me" he caught the nickname I just gave him as I said:" yea, I did" I raised my cup to have another sip then I said:" you like it?" he was looking to his cupcake he looked at me, then said:" just promise you would be the only one who call me that."  
I smiled realizing I just have something to share with him only him and only me... maybe silly but it wasn't for me.  
He looked at the snow as his eyes flick open growing wider:" Louis, it's snowing."  
I looked through the glass, my gaze falling on the thick white flakes swirling in the winter air, resting in the gutters and on the sidewalk like the smallest brushing of sugar. "It's lovely."  
"Can we walk through it?" he asked sort of awed smile settled on his pink lips, that looked my brain for a while it felt home...comfy smile made me feel home his expression open and childish and like he didn't have anything to care in the world. In that moment, the snow swirling in the crisp night, I think he'd forgotten he was falling.  
I put my coat on so is he, as we both walked out of the bakeshop under the white flakes swirling in the chilly winter air, resting on the street and the trees on them it looked like the smallest brushing of sugar, he was smiling in awed and happily when I looked at him, his cheeks were flushing, I notice he didn't zip his jacket well, I did it for him he looked to my hand then smiled saying:' oh thank you, that was nice' I tried to avoid looking to him as I said:' welcome' avoiding for no reason but I fleshed too... didn't want him to see that.  
He stood under the small flake as he let the snow fall on his hair, he said:" I can be tree" I smiled walking toward him:" and how it that?" he said:" I can let the snow fall on me without moving" I laughed saying:" that's childish," he said:" it's not do you have an idea that we all turn to trees" I asked:" and how is that?" he said:" when you go sleep you don't move but you stay a life just like trees" I raise an eyebrow when he started to laugh for no reason I said:" what?" he shook his head as he bit his lower lip saying:" you had to watch your face when you raised your eyebrow... you look funny" I smiled nearly laughed.  
It was chilling cold but somehow I wasn't feeling this, I was warm... my heart made me this way as he rushed the heat through my veins and that heated my bones, I didn't want to admit this but for God's sake he made this way... Harry made me this way.  
We walked back to the hospital the snow was making the street just like our wonderland:" I never liked the winter; I felt it was the most boring time in the year... I even heard that suicides happen most in this time" I said:" you'll surprise to know that's because the sun... sun makes us happy and that because we don't have sunny days a lot" he said:" good I thought people find winter the best time to die in" I said:" the weather made them feel this way."  
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" he said removing the snow flaked away of his coat when I asked:" what's it?" he said:" how sun can swing our mood from happiness to sadness and all." I smiled as he smiled back too.  
"I guess actually you only have to look around to fine more beautiful things, you'll surprise with how many beautiful things surround you but you never give a clue to notice them" he made amuse noise.  
"You are some kind of philosophical" I smiled saying:" but I'm not... I just keep my eyes open" he smiled saying:" well, I like how that sounded."  
He turns to me as if he remembered something:" you should meet Lana and Zayn you should have deep- quotes battle together" I said:' QUOTE BATTLE!! that sound new to me! but I think I would win" he said chuckling:" why you are so sure?" I said:" I know how to use my advantages and that would keep me the best in the races."  
"Don't be so sure they both smart and kind of philosophical too", I looked to the time ignorable when I said:"don't be so sure." He took a slow turn, letting his arms rise up away from his body. I just watched him spin, closing his eyes and turning like if he tried hard enough he could float away.  
I watched as his feet slipped from under him and he careened into my arms, his weight folding into my chest.  
He looked up at me dizzily, his green eyes holding my blues as the orange light reflected on his face skin, when snowflakes melting on his porcelain skin.  
"I've got you." I reassured him, tightening my grip around his waist not to let him fall.  
He just smiled, looking completely at peace, "I know."  
I realized then that Harry was wrong; he wasn't hard to fix, he just needed someone who would... someone who would be patient give him all what he needs to trust, trying truly and hard was the key to fix the broken pieces of him.  
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
1\. Summary to my lovely readers who choice to skip that chapter:  
Basically Louis taking Harry out of his hospital room to Sophia's baking store, Harry met Sophia for the first time and they mainly talked about Harry attempting suicide as Louis tried to tell Harry that ending his life wasn't the cleverest thing he can do in his life, that being falling doesn't mean you can't enjoy the fall itself  
Harry told Louis that he was dying and nothing to feel okay about being dying, Louis- in the other hand- told him that everybody is dying, anybody could die any second but nobody really think that deep about it 'cause it's what life about, it was part of our existence.  
The chapter ended with classic walk under the falling snow under the orange lights of the city at night.   
What a chapter hope nobody cried over this one, I enjoyed typing those words myself otherwise I really would love if you guys tell me what do you think as always, All the love ♥- N.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Summary to my lovely readers who choice to skip that chapter:  
> Basically Louis taking Harry out of his hospital room to Sophia's baking store, Harry met Sophia for the first time and they mainly talked about Harry attempting suicide as Louis tried to tell Harry that ending his life wasn't the cleverest thing he can do in his life, that being falling doesn't mean you can't enjoy the fall itself  
> Harry told Louis that he was dying and nothing to feel okay about being dying, Louis- in the other hand- told him that everybody is dying, anybody could die any second but nobody really think that deep about it 'cause it's what life about, it was part of our existence.  
> The chapter ended with classic walk under the falling snow under the orange lights of the city at night.


	8. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If You Like My Book Please Comment And Let Me Know What Do You Think Of My Work, You Guys Are Amazing You Broke My Record Of Hits, Please Break My Records Of Comments Too.

►(A/N):Include Paul Claudel's original text of the play 'Tidings Brought To Mary' Enjoy! ♥- N.  
January 25th- Day 33  
World is not about choices, it's about reactions… I believe it's true, I thought nobody can help me so many times but I had just fought for a little longer, I never thought about where our sadness and agony disappears.  
For a time when I thought about death I selfishly wanted to be remembered, I looked to mom's pure blue eyes and I remembered asking myself if I ever closed my eyes forever would she always remembers me? Would she remember every single thing about me? Would she remember how I loved soccer and how I hated vegetables, how I used to talk for a moment I thought she doesn't know so many things about me, things I can tell her, things that I'm afraid to tell her, things that I don't want her to remember about me and it just part of me I end up thinking maybe it better for her to forget me…  
I was lost in thoughts in my office room, when I heard someone knocking at the door:” come in” I called.  
“Mr. Tomlinson?” Olly said when I smiled:” come in”  
“I'm sorry for interrupting your thoughts” he said polity:” it was nothing just have a seat”  
“I brought your favorite Tea, I hope you don't mind” I smiled as he handed to me the paper cup as I said:” thank you so much Olly”  
“How are you been doing?” I asked when he sat on one of the chairs front my desk I sat in the opposite one, when he said:” I'm fine”  
“I'm glad you're” I said taking a sip of my drink as he said:” you look stressed”  
“Am I?” I asked when he nodded slightly:” It must be work”  
“I heard that you met Harry Styles in the cancer ward” Olly said when I nodded:” is he doing fine?”  
“He's fine, do you know him?” I asked when Olly sighed saying:” yea, he was pretty tired and so stressed month ago, he had a breaking down through a visit of one of his friends and his mother”  
“Really? What happened” I asked, it's the first time I hear such something about Harry from someone else:” I don't exactly knows what had happened, but all I get is that his touch of cancer start to effect on his systems and spreading so fast in his body doctor had suggested to put the kid on chemotherapy again as a last chance trying to stop the disease from killing him too fast, his mom and his friend came to try to make him convince the chemo, he refused the whole idea, he didn't want to have the chemo, he broke down and that night he tried to finish his life… that when Nurse Rosie and Dr. Norman…. “  
“It's okay Olly” I said feeling his emotions get out of his control, I know how fragile Olly he needs longer time to cope with that type of stories, his breathe labored in his chest as looked at me with tearfully eyes, he wasn't realizing that he was holding his breathe, I put my cup on the desk and took his holding his hand as I said:” Olly please breath” I regret asking him about the whole thing so fast, I tightened my grip on his hand as I said a little louder:” breathe please!”  
“Come on” I whispered when his breath start to go back to normal, I rubbed his shoulder as he said:” you'll try to help right?”  
“Of course I'll” I said when he nodded mumbling:” I hope you gonna succeed”  
I smiled to the receptionist as she said:" evening Mr. Tomlinson!" I answered with the same excited tone in her voice:" evening."  
"I wonder if you do remember it's still early for Harry's appointment?!" she asked softly, when I said:" I had noticed don't worry" she smiles shyly when I asked:" did he got any visits today?” she shook her head saying:” no, he hadn't”  
"Oh, really?" I asked when she nodded saying:" yea, he had a headache this morning he refused to see anybody since after,"  
"and how's he doing right now?" I asked.  
"He just woke up thirty minutes ago, I think he feel much better than he did this morning." she said, when I nodded:" okay thank you, Samantha."  
"Welcome Mr. Tomlinson!" she said as I head to his room I crossed the hallway to there, knocking on the door when I heard a soft noise behind the door, I took it as 'come in' I did, when I saw him lying on his bed hugging a pillow in his arms he didn't even blink, he looked peaceful as if he were a sleep, I started to worry he might be not fine I get closer as he was really motionless, I said replacing a hand on his shoulder:" Harry?"  
He looked at me softly when I said:" are you alright?" he looked at me in such a realization as he said:" what are doing in here?"  
"I came to visit you" I said, when he looked at me kind of surprised that didn't took a while until it disappear when he sat down, when I said:" you don't have to move."  
"I'm not going to break!" he said annoyed and his voice came slow, deep and full of tiredness.  
I understand the pain was driving him mad and annoyed about everything and anything, I said:" if do you want me to leave I'll."  
"No, don't... I'm sorry... it's just-" he said when I stopped him saying:" I understand."  
"you won't be leaving right?" he said, when I answered softly:" I won't if that what you want me to do."  
"Then stay" he said, I looked at him for a while as he lower his head replacing his big hands on his forehead , his fingers sink in his chocolaty hair he looked into much pain, I wished if I can just take his pain away, I really didn't like to watch anybody suffering.  
I put my crossed bag on the floor and made sure my notebook won't ring soon as I took the usual seat by his bed the blue fabric one as he looked at me there was few tears left his eyes, as he looked to the window then he looked at me saying:" you still have this book in your case, right?"  
"Yea," I said as he mentioned 'The Tidings Brought To Mary', he said looking at me:" can you read it for me until I sleep?" I nodded, freezing for while I just didn't know what I should do for a minute then I took the book out of my bag when I get my chair closer to the bed to make my voice softer for him to sleep, I opened the book and started reading softly and slowly for him as I can:”  
Withered, as if it had approached too near the mystery of his dwelling-place?  
Violaine: What has happened to you, then, since last year?  
Pierre De Craon: The very next day after that one you remember…  
Violaine: Well-?  
Pierre De Craon: I discovered in my side the horrible scourge.  
Violaine: The scourge, you say? What scourge?  
Pierre De Craon: Leprosy, the same we read of in the book of Moses.  
Violaine: What is leprosy?  
Pierre De Craon: Have you never heard of the woman who lived alone among the rocks of the Ge'yn, veiled from head to foot, and with a rattle in her hand?  
Violaine: That malady, Master Pierre?  
Pierre De Craon: Such a scourge it is that he who has it in its most malicious form must be set at once, for there is no living man so healthy that leprosy cannot taint him”

He was fast to fell a sleep, I think he was tired of sleepless nights he had; I stopped after a while I moved my hand softly in his hair it seemed silky to the curly look he had, I let my fingers moving slowly on his head, he opened his eyes slowly when removed my hand he said:" don't-" I kept brushing his hair with my hands."  
I was sitting on the couch with Liam I couldn't really stop thinking about the boy, I hoped he was feeling better in the end of my visit I had to leave after he fell a sleep.  
I was looking lost to the TV screen covering with blankets when I heard the front door open and footsteps crossing the hallway to the living-room.  
"Lou!" Liam said surprised, I turned behind as I said:" welcome back."  
"I thought you went work today." Liam said as I replied, " I did."  
"How was that?" he sat next to me when made a room for him to be comfortable:" good, oh- sorry how was your date?" I asked barely remembered it was Valentin's day.  
"It was so nice it went out of my expectations, she was surprised and she totally loved the place... I can't believe she was tearing up happiness in there."  
I smiled softly as I said:" I'm so happy your plans went all good," he said:" yea, me too."  
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
I finally found Paul Claudel's original text of the play 'Tidings Brought To Mary' -which I adore sincerely- thank you so much for NYU Library for giving the chance to everybody to get a PDF copy of any work you'd found into there electoronic shelves.  
More upcoming keep reading and please comment I would love to know what do you guys think, All the Love- N.


	9. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If You Like It Please Take A Second And Let Me Know, Comment Or Leave A Kudos.

►(A/N): This Chapter might be a bit confusing 'cause it had a lot of senses in 'Tiding Brought To Merry' I'll add (1), (2) for notes trying to explain few things for you so you can get what the book is talking about and don't worry I'll give you a big image so you don't have to read the book(: but it's a lovely piece of art you guys gotta read it you'll enjoy it through the Holidays.  
January 28th- Day 36  
My back rested on the armchair where I used to sit every time I came to see Harry, his eyes locked on me as his head rested on the high pill of pillows to support his body up in a sitting position as I read 'The Tiding Brought To Merry' to Harry:”  
The Mother: How do you know, if they love each other or not?  
Anne Vercors(1): Violaine Will do what I tell her. As for him (2), I know that he loves her, and you too know it. Yet the blockhead dares not speak to me. But I will give her to him if he wants her. So shall it be.  
The Mother: Yes. No doubt that is as it should be.  
Anne Vercors: Have you nothing more to say?  
The Mother: What, then?  
Anne Vercors: Very well, I will go seek him.  
The Mother: What, seek him? Anne!  
Anne Vercors: I want everything to be settled at once. I will tell you why presently.  
The Mother: What have you to tell me? -Anne, listen a moment... I fear…   
Anne Vercors: Well?  
The Mother: Mara Slept in my room this winter, while you were ill, and we talked at night in our beds. Surely he is an honest lad, and I love him like my own child, almost….”  
The words float out of my mouth, I felt I was in the middle of France where this story placed, I looked at Harry who was listening carefully, I kept reading:  
Jacques Hury: Violaine, how beautiful you are!  
Violaine: Jacques! Good morning, Jacques! Ah, how long you stayed down there!  
Jacques Hury: I had to get rid of everything, and sell, in order to be perfectly free. To be the man of Monsanvierge (3) only and yours. -What is this wonderful dress?  
Violaine : I wore it for you. I had spoken to you about it. Do you not recognize it? It is the habit of the nuns of Monsanvierge, except only the maniple, the habit they wear in the choir,  
The deacon's dalmatic which they have the privilege of wearing, something priestly, as they themselves are holy sacrifices, And the women of Combernon have the right to wear it twice:  
First, on the day of their betrothal,  
Secondly, on the day of their death.  
Jacques Hury: It is really true, then, that this is the day of our betrothal, Violaine ?  
Violaine: Jacques, there is yet time, we are not married yet! If you have only wanted to please my father there is still time to withdraw; it concerns no  
one but us. Say but a word, and I would not want you any more, Jacques.  
For nothing has yet been put in writing, and I do not know if I still please you.  
Jacques Hury: How beautiful you are, Violaine! And how beautiful is the world of which you are the portion reserved for me.  
Violaine: It is you, Jacques, who are all that is best in the world."  
"She loves him as if love the only things she did for her life time" Harry whispered cutting me off when I looked at him saying:" yea, her love is so innoncce sweet Violaine" Harry smiled.

I found my self sinking in the realization that I was sitting right in fort of his lips moved slowly as he kept telling me about something I hadn't caught, his hands moved along with the words as if his hands in sync with his words.  
“So what do you think?” he asked I smiled pretending to well up my legs when he asked:” tell me?”  
“What do you want me to say?” I asked I don't even had any idea what he was talking about when he said:” Violaine, do you think she really loved Jacques?”  
“I don't know but I believe that she somehow she had feelings for Pierre de Craon, even if their kiss was playful and meaningless” I said when he through his hand in his hair as he said:” oh god that would be so sad if the book ended when she found about her feeling for Perrie, I'd cry previously”  
“Nah, I don't think so I know the writer wouldn't put up a story and give it a plain end, it has to be something we'd never expected there's going to be a surprise coming up” I said softly, he was really excited about that book.  
“Violaine (in a low tone): Your heart is enough. Go to, I am with you, and say not a word more.  
Jacques Hury: But to-morrow, before everybody, I will take this Queen in my arms.  
Violaine: Take her, and do not let her go. Ah, take your little one with you so that they can never find her, and never do her any harm!  
Jacques Hury: And you will not regret then the linen and the gold?  
Violaine: Was I wrong to make myself beautiful for one poor little hour?  
Jacques Hury: No, my beautiful lily, I can never tire of looking at you in your glory!  
Violaine: O Jacques! tell me again that you think me beautiful!  
Jacques Hury: Yes, Violaine!  
Violaine: The most beautiful of all, and the other women are nothing to you?  
Jacques Hury: Yes, Violaine.  
Violaine: And that you love me only, as the tenderest husband loves the poor creature who has given herself to him?  
Jacques Hury: Yes, Violaine.  
Violaine: Who gives herself to him with all her heart, Jacques, believe me, and holds nothing back.  
Jacques Hury: And you, Violaine, do you not believe me then?  
“She's not feeling okay with her looking” Harry commented when I nodded saying:” the following lines going to explain it:”  
Violaine: Neither my mother nor my sister love me, though I have done them no wrong. And nothing is left to me but this tall, terrible man whom I do not know.  
(He tries to take her in his arms. She pushes him away quickly.  
Do not touch me, Jacques!  
Jacques Hury: Am I then a leper?  
Violaine: Jacques, I want to speak to you ah, but it is hard! Do not fail me, who now have only you!  
Jacques Hury: Who would do you harm?  
Violaine: Know what you do in taking me for your wife! Let me speak to you very humbly, my lord Jacques...”   
I can see Harry welling on his bed when I read:”  
Violaine: Am I not beautiful enough just now, Jacques? What more do you ask of me? What does one ask of a flower Except to be beautiful and fragrant for a moment, poor flower, and then the end. The flower's life is short, but the joy it has given for a minute Is not of those things which have a beginning and an end. Am I not beautiful enough? Is something lacking? Ah! I see thine eyes, my beloved! Is there anything in thee at this moment that does not love me, and that doubts me? Is my soul not enough? Take it, and I am still here, and absorb to its depths that which is all thine!”  
I closed the book when he looked at me wonderingly as he said:” won't you complete reading that one for me?...”  
“I'll Harry just not today you look tired” I said when he looked to the alarm next to him it was 8:20 PM past my work shift, I didn't really mind spending time in work.  
I put the blanket on his body, I turned the light off in his room opening the curtains for him, the clouded moon's light sipped through the glass dimming lighting the room.  
His eyes closed tiredly his arms hugging the pillow close to him, I put my jacket on followed with my bag when he mouthed in the air:” will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful”  
I froze looking at him, he turned to look at me back, his eyes stared to mine:” Harry?” I whispered I wasn't brave enough to ask and I wasn't going to let it go either.  
“She needed him, he was everything that remain in her life after her father leaving her alone between people who don't love her the same, she needed him to whisper love she missed to her, thing she always missed and she never needed before” he said softly, “but she's strong, she believes in something” I said as if I was trying to show him some bright side.  
“Yes, she does” Harry said looking at me a hot and long sigh escaped his lungs as he stared at me for a moment, when I said:” I'll have to go now” he nodded sadly then closed his eyes away of me as if he didn't want me to see those sadness creeping in his greens.  
“Are you gonna be alright?” I found myself saying, he looked at me unsure if I really wanted to hear the answer, he wasn't sure if I really cared.  
“I'm fine don't worry” he said softly looking to the window when I whispered:” you have my number Harry just call me anytime” he looked as if he already asleep, I stared at him for a brief moments then left his hospital room.  
January 29th -Day 37  
It was so much trouble to breathe It was so hard to get the air into my lungs, I woke up feeling the wetness of my sweaty body; but this is what had wake me.  
My phone rang uncontrollably I couldn't simply ignore the unknown number that keeping dialing my number -specially cause the fact that my job doesn't had a time limit-.  
“You reach Louis Tomlinson” I said when I heard Nurse Rosie saying:” please don't be the answer machine!”  
“I'm not it's me Louis, Nurse Rosie” I said hearing my chest wheezing with the words.  
“Can you please come to hospital?” she asked when I felt even more worried than I already I'm.  
“What's wrong Rosie?” I asked, hearing a lot of noises around her on the other end of the line.  
“Rosie what's going on?! Why you call me up right now?” I asked leaving the bed already toward the closet I took a sweater out of it, I wore my Vans hurried when she said:” I can't say too much, it's about a patient”  
“What happened? Is everybody is alright?” I asked as every possible reason run into my head when she answered:” I'll tell you everything when you arrive Mr. Tomlinson” she hanged before I could say any other word, I rushed toward the front door.  
☼ Notes:   
(1): Anne Vercors: The Name Of Violaine and Mara's Father.  
(2): Him Means Jacques Hury.  
(3): Monsanvierge A Place's Name.

 

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
I hoped you enjoyed those scenes of 'Tiding Brought To Merry' and the hanging on the cliff, I don't really know if you wonder what happened back in St. Merry Hospital; but I hope you're enjoying the whole work I wanna thank everybody who had voted for my work and left a kudos for me those who found my book on Twitter and took the long road to read it, thank you guys!


	10. Trailer

So Guys I Had Made A Trailer To This Book Hope You Gonna Enjoy It, Comment To Let Me Know.  
Link: YT Trailer: https://youtu.be/AYIXQ3Xqif8


	11. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:  
►(A/N): I'd love if you guys leave a comment to let me know what do you think of it, I'd love if you let me know you're reading this book and you have a feeling -whatever the kind of feelings- feel free to tell me I'd love to know, All The Love ♥- N  
I reached the under ground station my sweater hanged on one of my shoulders, I was lost between possibilities the material of my phone touched my lips, I looked to the up coming stations waiting impatiently for my stop.  
The seats were empty few young men sat together alone in the corner they shared few sips of some drink, I didn't care and I wasn't afraid of them even when they looked a bit creepy with their dirty breathes and sleeved arms tattoo they got.  
The metal doors opened when I ran hurried out of the underground not like there was many people in there by this hour, I didn't even knew what time it was.  
I entered the hospital my breathe labored in my chest and I tried hardly to force air into my lungs, my chest wheezed with every breath I took.  
“Rosie!” I called when she looked at me, she looked a bit tired she smiled saying:” it's all fine don't worry”  
“For God's sake Rosie, you called me to hear to say it's all alright?” I asked, when she smiled saying:” Harry had a seizure few hours ago and he woke up few minutes asking for you, we told him you're on your way before he went back to sleep”  
“A seizure!” I asked in shock when she said:” he's fine it wasn't that bad”  
I felt helpless toward my own feeling those waves of tears who suffocating me, holding my breathe out of my lungs, I entered his dark room except a white neon light was lighten up on his head.  
Few machines hocked to his small frame with different wires, an IV tucked into his hand that rested motionlessly on his stomach, he was wearing white blue dotted hospital gown and it was my first time I see him into that one.  
I knew Harry was sick and he wasn't healthy, he lived into the hospital for God's sake; but still seeing him laying on that bed with those monitors registering his vital signs non stop and he was laying so peaceful as if he froze out of time, it felt more realistic to the image of his sickness, how helpless cancer can get him sometimes, how weak his body that it collapsed under the pressure of the tumor in his head.  
I walked toward him even closer, I set on that blue armchair I always found in his room, I pulled it closer to his bed, I brushed his soft curly hair away of his forehead, his eyes were simple closed as if he was sleeping so deep, his breathe come deep out and in to his nose.  
I lent kissing his forehead…  
“Please be fine Harry” I mouthed, hot tears fell on the smooth skin of his cheeks, his dimples were gone along with his smile.  
“Don't you dare to leave me here not before you share a real conversation” I whispered trying not to cry, my hand in his hair I tried to hold my sobs I was scared, scared of losing him my forehead pressed against his, I know Harry was going to be alright, I knew that his body survived for a little longer but the fact that flashed lighted in my head that he was getting close from his finish line, each and everyday his life was getting shorter he was dying.  
I was losing him every single day and I simply didn't want understand the way I was losing him, part of me told me that no matter what I do that in some point I'll have to let him slip away, I have to let him go, that I have to let him rest in peace; I couldn't deal with him leaving, I just wanted him to stay, to live as long as he could get, part of me won't let him leave my mind.  
“Is he alright?” I heard a girl asking I woke up seeing her standing with one of the nurses, I didn't know how I end up falling a sleep my head rested on the mattress of his bed his hands warm into mine cooler ones, I was sitting in the same position from the night before on the armchair next to Harry's bed, he was too much seemingly like I saw him last time.  
A girl with icy colored hair stood out the room, she looked familiar to me even when I don't remember meeting her before, she looked at Harry behind the glass then at me, I saw her walking walking to the door when I heard the door's knob turning open.  
She entered the room looking at me, she didn't say a word she just looked at me:” h-hi”  
“Hey” she said briefly when she looked at Harry, she smiled slowly but it turned to crying, she replaced her hand on her lips attempting not to make a sound, I noticed the dimples in her cheeks, I can see she was a family.  
She walked close to him, I took my phone off the near side table as I walked back excusing myself I knew she needed her time to be alone with him.  
I went to the toilet, I pushed the door when I let the water ran cold between my palms I was lost in feeling every bone in body aching, it was my sleepless night and my worriedness about him it was stressing my nervous and my body, I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket, I brushed my hair with my cold watered fingers as I felt my phone buzzing again.  
I pulled the toilet's door open, I went to the registering desk when I saw Rosie she looked exhausted, she smiled briefly toward me, she wasn't sure if she had to.  
“Morning, Rosie” I smiled back to her when she said back:” Morning Mr. Tomlinson”  
“I wanted to check on Harry Styles health condition, is he alright?” I asked resting my arms on the desk toward her.  
In usual cases like this, she wasn't allowed to tell anybody except his family, I knew but it wasn't as if I was going to give up on what I asked her.  
“I can't, I'm sorry, it's the protocol, you know” I sighed saying:” Rosie, I know, I'm working here, I just want to know 'cause it's part of my work as his therapist” it was a hint the was going to keep her secret under the title of 'I am his therapist'.  
She looked an examination look at me as if she was making sure I won't tell when she said:” I trust you”  
“You can trust me I won't let you down” I said softly back to her when she looked around for the nurses chief, she clicked few clicks on the computer when she said:” Dr. Simon is going to check on him few minutes, last thing said he's stable”   
“Yea?” I couldn't hide the felicity I felt she smiled saying:” hopefully he's going to be alright in the following few hours, Mr. Tomlinson” I smiled softly to her saying:” thank you Rosie”  
“You always welcome Mr. Tomlinson”  
I felt relieved walking to my office room I brought cup of caffeinic coffee even if it wasn't my favorite drink but I didn't to pass out 'cause of my sleepless night.  
I found the atmosphere peaceful in my room, I replaced the carton cup on my desk as I pulled the phone out of my pocket:  
*Liam, 3:14 AM   
LOUIS WHERE IN THE WORLD YOU WENT IT'S PAST THREE!!!  
*Liam, 3:23 AM  
Louis, where you are you text me please I'm so worried hell!  
*Liam, 3:56 AM  
Louis answer me? Please!  
It was 34 message all from Liam, I flicked the last one open:  
*Liam, 8:32 AM  
Are you kidnapped? If you didn't answer this, I'll know that you get kidnapped, HOW MANY TIMES I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE GODDAMMIT WINDOW CLOSE!!  
I chuckled opening a new message typing:  
*Louis, 8:56 AM  
I'm not kidnapped I'm at work, don't worry about me I'll tell you the full story when I get home.  
*Liam, 8:56 AM  
Before you come back home pay for your grave and bring a favorite suit to burl in, you senseless dumped head made me worried the whole night, thinking about you restless.   
*Louis, 8:57 AM  
I'm so sorry I had to leave so fast, I wasn't thinking.  
*Liam, 8:57 AM  
Are you really alright?  
*Louis, 8:58 AM  
I'm don't worry.  
*Liam, 8:59 AM  
Okay.  
*Louis, 8:59 AM  
Do I still need to bring up the suit and pay for the grave? o.O  
I send it to his phone number, I wanted to sassy him, I know he feel better when I annoy him, it's how he feels I'm really fine.  
*Liam, 8:59 AM  
* * *  
The day went smoothly specially 'cause I had to meet up with Jeremy, Ella, Welly and Tom, they were best friends under the age of 8 the four of them were enjoying coloring together and telling me about their adventures around Jeremy was the older he had a touch of Leukemia his hair all fell with the chemotherapy; but it never make the smile fell on along, Jeremy was the one you'd call him born old, Jeremy could give you metaphors like old people do, I remember the first time when he asked me:” why we born if we were going to die?”   
It was the question I could never answer mainly 'cause I never thought about the whole life and death story from this side, I always thought about life as a chance but I never thought about death.  
I said goodbye to the kids around the table in the playing room, they waved toward me, I walked toward Harry's room.  
His room, normally lit by the lamp he had clipped to his headboard part of the fact that he was dealing with the hospital room as his current home.  
It was dark, the only light streaming in from the doorway. Through the opening in his half drawn curtains I could see the out line of his lanky frame draped in the blue blanket, soft and indistinct in the dim light.  
As I stepped cautiously through the door, a nurse I vaguely recognized ducked out from behind the curtains, a smile breaking across her face as she met my gaze.  
“Nice to see Mr. Tomlinson” she whispered softly, scribbling a quick something on her clipboard and resting it on her hip pointing over at Harry:” he had a headache since he woke up few hours, it's pretty bad one from the looks of it, so I don't know if he wants a company”  
“Please I need to seem him” I said softly trying not wake Harry up, she looked at me helplessly then stepped back over to where he lays, he voice taking a soothing tone:” Harry, Mr. Tomlinson is here is that okay?”  
There was a long beat of silence before he sighed out a yes so quite barely audible.  
She gave me a nod, moving to leave us alone:” Just try to be very quite, he's sensitive for light and noise, and make sure to close the curtains when you leave, alright?” I nodded.  
I let her pass me, stepping closer to his bed, the room was dimmed lighted by the moon that reached out of the window that was a view of the open atmosphere of the cloudy London's sky.  
I clicked my phone screen open setting it on silence the feeling of wanting to be here and nowhere else was turning to be a need, needing to be around him.  
I took off my jacket I was still wearing my pajamas from the night before, I didn't even had the chance to change them, but it felt alright.  
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
I hope you enjoyed this chapter if you like it let me know leave a kudos or a vote and if you had something to tell me feel free to comment down below, I'm reading and replying daily, All The Love ♥-N


	12. Chapter 9

►(A/N): Thank You for your Support without you I wouldn't reach 700 reader online.  
if you like this book let me know, I'd really appreciate if you guys comment, vote/Kudos, xx N   
My eyes begun to adjust, his petal like features that covered in a shifting cocoon of shadows, his chocolaty guardian eyelashes that were motionless upon his soft, pure green eyes.  
In the half shadow he looked like some kind of angel and I thought fleetingly if maybe he was thoroughgoing lovely for this world.  
Looking at him was strange something that would make me talk poetry, the way I felt as if he was tangling me up with his existence, the way he made me feel that I needed him breathing safe and sound as a mean reason for my vitals to remain.  
The way I felt as if I lost my anchor every time he slip a little out of my grasp, how I feel lost when I feel like losing him as if I'd become so wrong if he ever left.  
I focused my eyes on the floor, feeling embarrassed for a reason I couldn't pinpoint, I knew I met him 7 weeks ago and I shouldn't feel this way about my patients, I know that shouldn't get too close to them, I knew I shouldn't be friend of them and I shouldn't be visiting after work.  
But I didn't care, I needed to be with him.  
I'd missed him, I always miss him, I miss him during my other appointments, during a cheerful dinner with Liam and every night when I go to bed thinking that he might call any minute telling me that he wanted to hear my voice, it was safe to say I always missed him, that he some how living alone in the marrows of my bones.  
I looked around for my usual chair, finding that since the last time I'd been here it had gotten up and walked away, I didn't plan on moving it up closer to his bed.  
I hanged my jacket on the bedpost and moved to sit on the floor, unwilling to let him out of my sight, but knowing that I couldn't stand at his beside the whole time.  
He'd hung a hand off the side of the bed, his long fingers curling and uncurling slowly like he was looking for something for something to hold on to, before I could think to much about what was willing to do I reached up, letting my fingers wrap in his, he tensed briefly at the contact, our hands fumbling against each other before intertwining, I can feel his hand strong and desperate.  
“Lou” he breathed, as if the word 'cause him a physical pain.  
“Harry, you don't have to talk tonight, it's okay” I replayed more whispering the words to him scooting up on my hands and knees.  
He didn't say anything for a long moment, he let the silence float into the atmosphere around us, then finally two words been whispered into the air:” come up”  
I stood slowly, letting his fingers slip from mine as I walked around the bed. Sitting on the mattress as carefully as I could, it was the deep feeling of how fragile he's, the way I felt of how I had to carefully gather him back and protect the rest of the ashes, his eyes slowly opened blinking briefly as if there was a light into the room but it was just the gray dim light of the clouded moon streaming softly from the window, he finally found my eyes, his eyes looked wide and glassy full of pain and agony,  
I wondered if it was the headache or it was something else my head and heart couldn't reach, something he might be wouldn't let me find it easily.  
I reached for his cheek stroking his pale skin:” I'm happy you here”  
He hummed softly in response, taking my free wrist and using it to guide me into a horizontal position. I lay on my side, the silhouette of his face blurring in the low light. I shouldn’t be doing this, I knew I shouldn’t.  
I lay a hand over his, I feel his body too small tangled to mine his legs touched mine, letting myself sink into the tenderness of the moment, like somehow with the touch of our skin I could take his pain away. I let myself sink into the mattress, my eyelids growing heavy. I was fairly sure I could fall asleep here and never wake up, just Harry and me in the blue darkness.  
Being with him was like reading a book that someone’s already spoiled for you. I knew how this would turn out, with the life draining from his body as the tumor consumed him, but I flipped the pages anyway in the vain hope that maybe it would end differently and I desperate for difference.  
So I lay with him and savored the life inside the numbered pages. I closed my eyes, letting our fingers slot together. Together, we held on through the dark.  
I woke up in layers of blue and tenderness.  
I wasn’t really conscious, more vaguely aware of pale blue light and velvety blankets and a strong aura of contentment. There were no thoughts, just calm and the soft rustling of unimportant things.  
I was in a bed. It wasn’t my bed, but somehow that was alright. There was a hand in mine, a warm lovely hand that it was very important to hold on to. My skin was just a bit damp, the room just the smallest bit too warm. The feeling of the soft fabric of warm cotton pressed to my arm.   
I stirred, a quiet, even snoring pulling me just a little farther from sleep. I could smell the faint antiseptic smell of the hospital mingling with something comforting it was the smell of Harry. My eyes flew open, wondering when it had become morning. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep here, only lay with him for the hour, but as I gazed at his sleeping form I couldn’t really bring myself to regret it, could I?  
Sunlight fell through the gap between the curtain and the ceiling, washing him in pale golden hues. His face was burled into my shirt I could feel the softness of his hair tickling my skin softly with his briefly moving, we were laying on our sides so our bodies faced each other. He looked so fragile, like the smallest contact would break him. I drew our hands apart with utmost care, hovering my fingers over his cheek, wanting to touch him, but filled with some irrational fear that maybe he’d crumble under my fingertips.  
I thought about the look in his eyes when he first saw me. I remembered thinking he looked defeated, like he was empty inside. Now, watching him sleep beside me I wondered if maybe worn out was a more apt description. For all his talk of dying and giving up he’d soldiered on this far, and in the foggy illogical of morning I wondered if somehow he’d just been waiting for me find him, to pick up his broken pieces and fix him in the only way I knew how and I felt that I have to it was the reason why it bring first to his path and the reason why I stayed.  
I let my fingers brush over his curls, warm and silky from the sunbeams. He barely looked real, and I marveled over him, my eyes finding his barely parted lips and the hollow of his neck and the way his chest rose and fell as he breathed.   
A small chiming noise reached my ears, directing my attention to the bag I’d abandoned on the floor. I lingered for a long moment before sliding off the bed and retrieving my phone, three messages lighting up the screen:  
*Liam, 8:30 AM  
Where are you text me when you get this.  
*Louis, 9:15 AM  
I'm on my way home, don't worry love.  
I pulled on my jacket, slipping into my vans and sneaking one last look at Harry.  
I knew I had to leave, especially if I was going to get a shower in before my appointment at one, but I couldn’t seem to make my legs work right, finding myself with my knees pressed to the side of his bed.  
“Bye Harry.” I whispered to no one in particular. “See you next week.”  
I leaned down slowly, not entirely sure what I was doing until my lips found his temple and I was pressing a soft kiss to the skin there. He barely stirred at the pressure, and I straightened, feeling a little bit light headed.   
“Have a nice day.”   
It wasn’t until I was on the train home, a ridiculous smile permanently fixed onto my face that a thought occurred to me.   
Maybe I wasn’t just fixing Harry, maybe he was saving me.  
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
This one is my favorite for some reason I can't pinpoint, it just float with feeling – I hope nobody cried- I did myself the lyrics and the time I was writing this one -which was at midnight hours made it all perfect for tears; but I hoped you guys enjoy it if you did let me know, let me know you're reading and how do you feel about the whole book, all The Love♥ N


	13. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter 'cause you guys so nice to me, thank you.

►(A/N): I'M working on daily update by the Holidays, Thank you for all the votes you left for me and those lovely kudos if you guys like it don't be shy and tell me know, all the love♥, N   
January 31st, Day 40  
We all want to taste the sweetness of honey that like love in a life, tartness is annulled nobody want to feel the pain of being broken; but sometimes we take the risk anyway.  
I start feeling the sickness requiring into me, Liam forced me to call in sick and stay home fore couple of days after he forced a Thermometer in my mouth to found that I was feverish, I hate canceling my appointments with my patients but Liam was right I was avoiding the whole thing but there's no way that I had to call in sick soon mainly because the coughing that start to be really annoying to me.  
I was laying on the couch my legs resting on the cushions and my head was on the arm of the couch, I flicked the screen of my phone open, I can hear Liam and Sophia talking in the kitchen as they made the dinner tonight.  
I searched my contacts I wasn't searching for something in particular, I was just wasting time.  
“Louis do you like to have some chicken nuggets?” Liam asked from his spot from the kitchen when I looked at him over the back of the couch as I said:” I don't mind as long as its eatable”  
“Okay” Liam said as Sophia replaced a box on the counter looking to Liam who was chopping some carrots.  
“Do you want help in those?” she asked when he looked at her with a soft smile:” no, I'm fine can you stir the soup on the stove?”  
“Sure” she took a wooden spoon from the handler, Liam looked at me questioningly when I smiled, he looked at Sophia who was busy working he looked back at me smiling back.  
Liam knew, Liam could read me better than I could read my mind, I love to watch Liam with Sophia I love to be third wheeling their relationship, it felt so save to feel the love between them two, some feel I get used to since Sophia and Liam met and decide to act like if they my parents.  
My phone suddenly buzzed in my hand, it was a message, I flicked the screen open reaching my messages:  
*Harry, 7:32 PM  
Hello I was wondering if our youth and exemption would mean something tonight 'cause I'm getting old tomorrow- H  
I stared at the lit screen of my phone few seconds reading his words slowly, I repeated them in my mind and my heart repeated them rapidly along with my mouth.  
He's words fade into the atmosphere in the room, I hugged a cushion close to my chest typing a reply:  
*Louis, 7:40 PM  
Getting old tomorrow? You still young Harry you're not going to get old.  
*Harry, 7:41 PM  
I know I'll die before.  
*Louis, 7: 41 PM  
No, your soul can't get old 'cause you know how to make it shine.  
*Harry, 7:43 PM  
What a lie!  
*Louis, 7:43 PM  
It's not a lie I mean it, I really miss you when you not around.  
*Harry, 7:43 PM  
You can't tell me that! You have to keep your pride a bit!  
*Louis, 7:44 PM  
☺ What ever you want, so what about youth and exemption? What's happening tomorrow?  
*Harry, 7:44 PM  
One of my friends -Niall- want to make a birthday party for me, it's just him and I wanted you to come too.  
*Louis, 7:44 PM  
Is there any mean reason to be in your friends party?  
*Harry, 7:45 PM  
I need you there, I don't want him to feel awkward, specially 'cause I hadn't see Niall in a while and I thought you can really know people easily and make them comfortable.  
*Louis, 7:45 PM  
I don't remember telling you this about me!  
*Harry, 7:46 PM  
None of your business! Are you coming tomorrow?  
*Louis, 7:46 PM  
Course, Is 4 fit to you?  
*Harry, 7:46 PM  
Very well, thank you, Louis.  
*Louis, 7:46 PM  
You always welcome.  
*Harry, 7:46PM  
Have a nice night, Lou.  
*Louis, 7:47 PM  
You too, Haz.  
I looked at the ceiling of the living room, thinking when does the breathing become that difficult.  
February 1st, Day 41  
I walked quickly down the hallway of the hospital, still trying to catch my breath after I’d attempted taking my rather nonathletic body up the stairs. I’d made my way about halfway down Harry’s corridor when a melody reached my ears. It was an odd sound to hear in the hospital, but certainly not an unpleasantly one:  
“...I want to tell you that I'm sorry but it's not that's for me to say, you can have my heart, my soul, my body, if you can to promised not to go away, ain't no angle I never was but I never hurt you it's not my fault you see those...”   
I looked to the blond boy who had Harry's head on his thigh with the guitar as he played soft melody on it, he was so talent as if he did that for all his life, the boy stopped when he noticed Harry's gaze who looked at me.  
I closed the door behind me saying:” hey” Harry replied in soft tone:” hey” I smiled taking my jacket off and put it on the empty plastic chair next to Harry's closet I walked closer to the bed as Harry sit up his eyes on me.  
His eyes caught few tears but he wasn't going to let them pass cross his eyelashes, he smiled forcibly at me a kind of saying 'I'm fine don't worry'.  
“Niall, this is my friend Louis, Louis this Niall I told you about” Harry said introducing us when I smiled offering a hand for the blond boy to shake, he did with a soft smile.  
“Nice preforming by the way I'm so sorry for coming like this” I said when he blushed a little as he said:” we still have too long to play more songs”  
“I passed by Sophia's store and I brought few cupcakes” I said when Harry smiled saying:” thank you.”  
the thin layer of sheets were covering his legs that he hugged them close to his chest resting his head on, Niall said looking at him:” I wished if we could go out but Harry didn't want to”  
“Really?” I looked at him probing his eyes, he sighed looking at me as he said:” I feel a bit cold to go out, they said it might rain today”  
“Are you lying and you so sick to go out anymore Harry?” Niall asked innocently when Harry looked at me as if he searched for my rescue:” no, I'm fine I still can go out, I feel a bit under the weather”  
I bet Harry's back smiling: “Don't worry Niall, he's fine we even went out few days for a coca and cupcakes” I was feeling worried myself there was something Harry was hiding from me.  
We heard the ring of Niall's phone when he took it out of his pocket checking whatever was on:” Can we light up the cake right now?” Harry asked sounded more as a bored Four years old boy.  
“Well, if you weren't expecting anybody else then let's do it” Niall said when I pulled the table closer toward Harry, Niall placed the cake on it as he lighted up the candles.   
I moved toward the curtains and down them one the glass of the window, “Where you get this from?” Harry asked when I turned back to him.  
I can see Niall's hand in Harry's, the blond boy looked concerned as he said:” It- t's Zayn's” Harry looked at Niall's eyes, the silence fell into the ground the atmosphere froze around for a second along.  
“Did he quit?” Harry almost whispered when Niall forced a smile as he said:” he's so much better recently, don't worry about him”  
“He never came” Harry explained -I'm not sure to who- but I could say he was talking to himself, his eyes take the right down angle, I can see how much does it hurt to think about it, he looked as if the thoughts hurt him deep inside as if he been stabbing million times with a dagger in his heart, it hurts him who ever Zayn was, he pretty was someone important to Harry.  
I start to feel as if I don't know him anymore, he become so stranger to me right in the moment, it was something he wasn't telling me, something was hurting him deep and he wouldn't blub it out to me and it hurts me to feel deflected away of him.  
“Louis, sing!” Niall said when I forced a smile singing along with Niall, Harry was about to blow the candles off when I said:” w-wait!”  
“What?” he asked foolishly when I smiled saying:” don't forget to make a wish it might come true” he shook his head closing his eyes for a moment Niall looked at me when Harry blew the candles off as we all cheered toward him, Niall rubbed Harry's shoulder as if he was kind of champion who just won the gold 100 M race.  
Harry's eyes locked on mine when I avoided his gaze saying:” I want to have a video for all of us”  
“Yea, hurry!” Niall said.  
I pulled my phone out of my bag I set it up on recording when I said:” Harry you look so old how many years you've got!”  
He stuck his tongue toward the camera saying:” very old almost 64” Niall laughed foolishly when I said to him:” wouldn't you tell your grand children that Hazzabear was such a sweet heart”  
“Nah, I'd probably tell them that he's such a frog with green eyes and sweet smile, and such a bad news who never stops complaining” Niall joked when Harry said:” I'm not a frog!”  
Niall and I laughed when Harry said in joking anger:” what?”  
“Is that what made you mad being a frog? It's okay to let people say that you don't stop complaining?”  
“I don't care I'm just not a frog!” Harry said moving toward the phone in my hand he took it away as he asked:” my turn to make my fun on you!”  
“It's YOUR birthday!” I said when he smiled looking to my picture on the phone's screen as he said:” yea, isn't? I'm supposed to do what I want!”  
We played with cards and drunk like 6 liters of apple juice, it was so painful to laugh anymore but this wasn't stopping us from laughing that the nurses asked us few times to be more quite as other patients start to complain about our noises.  
Niall was resting his head on Harry's thigh they two were on the hospital bed, Harry was softly drawing circles in Niall's strands, I was sitting a cross Harry my arms around my knees on the same bed.  
Niall left as soon as it hit 8 PM he promised to come and visit again and I could clearly see that Harry hadn't look happy about that promise.  
I kissed Harry's hair goodbye whispering:” happy birthday”  
“Thank you, it was really nice evening that I won't forget” he said softly when I rubbed his cheeks saying:” text me or call me whenever you want to, alright?” he nodded.   
February 2nd- Day 42  
I woke up feeling awful, it was as if the air was forbiddenly forced to be out of my lungs I thought I might got respiratory disorder, I felt coldness touches my as electric shock, I sat lazily in the corner of the couch I pulled my legs close to my chest, I curled up on myself.  
“Louie!” I felt Liam's warm hand on my hair soft and careful as if he might breaks me, I wished if he cupped me for a moment into his warmth.  
“Louie, are you alright mate?” he asked, I forced deep breathe deep down in my chest saying:” I'm alright” I lied I wasn't.  
“Are you still sick? You know you didn't have to go to the hospital yesterday” Liam said worriedly sitting down next to me on the couch.  
“My patients needs me, Liam I can't not to go” I sighed feeling the usual conversation up coming on the way.  
“You don't need to this to yourself, Louie you don't have to push on yourself so much, you'll end up hurting yourself someway, somehow” Liam said watching me as I walked to the kitchen.  
I could see shades of my face on the nickel chromium1 faucet, I can see the dark lines under my eyes.  
“Don't worry about it Liam, when I'll feel sick, I promise to stay home and let you take of me” I said turning at him forcing a smile on my face when he sighed shaking his head in disagreeing, I know Liam would be here whenever I fell down I know he'll be always around to catch me and that felt safe.  
I used the inhaler this morning, It felt so weird to get back to it, to help me get my breathe back, I wore thick sport blazer and one of those sport pants it felt so comfortable and warm to dress in them, I regretted never wore them before.  
“Nice jacket, Mr. Tomlinson” Rosie commented when I asked:” can I get back that bar I gave you this morning” she thought for a second when she smiled signing for me to wait.  
I rest my back to the counter I closed my eyes as the light hit them, I felt as my space of existence been squeezed around me that I couldn't take a breathe, I know there was something wrong about this feeling, I just hoped it was the flu.  
“The bar!” Rosie said with a smile upon her features, “thank you so much, I didn't know what I'm supposed to do without your help”  
“Someone have to save the nice bar from melting” she said with childish tone, I smiled saying:” yea, you right and you were the hero today” she laughed so hard, she clicked something on the computer as she said:” you're so funny Mr. Tomlinson.”  
“You're so nice Rosie” I said and regret it too soon she looked at me with those eyes of hers, they were unbelieved looks but she soften them too fast as she said:” thank you.”   
I knocked on Harry's door when I heard my permission I enter the room meeting by his soft greens eyes, he looked tired not too much difference from me, he got a lollypop in his mouth, he could get mistaken of three years old children in the ward like this.  
“You look awful” he said simple never mind making his words get a bit filtered into nicer meanings, I replaced my message bag on the floor as I said:” thank you, you don't look bad yourself” he smiled for my sassing answer as he said:” what happened to the red pants?”   
“Nothing, they are safe and sound” he chuckled as he placed his laptop on the floor, trying not to smear the sheets with the lollypop in his hand, I sat down on the blue fabric armchair that used to set on every time I came to see Harry kind of my own chair in his own room, I asked:” do you want to do anything particular today?”  
He looked at me with a soft smile saying:” I was waiting for you to read the rest of Tidings Brought To Mary to me” I smiled gripping my bag off the floor it was more as a smug smile, he got a notice of it saying:” stop it off!”  
“What?!” I asked as he covered himself in blankets, I took the book out of my bag, he said:” you know you stuck here until you finish reading that book you started to me!”  
“It's not my problem you fell in love with something written more than 100 year ago!” I was sassing him when he throw the pillow at me saying:” it's your problem, who reads a story about leprosy in the twenty first century a make poor people think about it as it meant life supposed to be his problem, it's your problem!!” he got the joking tone on.  
“I got you something for you” I said when he looked at me with too serious look, I took the chocolate bar out of my bag, his expression fell down to pure happiness:” this is for me?”  
“Well, yea I thought you love chocolate so I decide I might bring you some” I said when he took the lollypop out of his mouth and placed carefully on a sticky note by the nightstand.  
“Are you supposed that you'll have this lollypop later?” I asked sounded more a parent when he looked at me saying:” well, yea” he was busy now revealing the brown chocolate out of the cover.  
“That's disgusting!” I said when he stuck his tough out away toward me saying:” none of your business”  
“You right my bad, I'm not the one who's going to eat it, so enjoy Germs” I said opening the book when Harry looked at me asking:” come here” he said rubbing the mattress next to him.  
“No, that's don't sound a good idea” I mumbled soft as I pretended to be turning the pages of the book.  
“Why?” he asked when my eyes met his soft greens saying:” I shouldn't be doing that”  
I was his therapist, I was supposed to be the one to help him and to be his best friend who share nights over.  
“Why?” he asked again it didn't make a sense for him, it didn't make sense for me, “I wouldn't be professional” I said.  
“Who cares?” he whimpered.  
“I'm supposed to be your therapist Harry” I said mumbling them softly to him, he smiled as he said:” well, you diffidently not a therapist to me”  
“Then what I'm?” I asked seriously and curiously when he chuckled saying:” you're just Louis”  
“I'm just Louis!” I repeated his words stupidly as if I tried to compose the words into something I understand.  
“Yea, just Louis” he said keeping a smile on, he asked:” what I'm to you… a patient?”  
“No” I said without a thought, his face was empty for a moment but suddenly he smiled saying:” come here and finish the silly chocolate bar with me.”  
I took off my Vans and jumped on his bed attacking his sides with a tickle as I said:” what a child are you!”  
“Next time bring anything but a regular chocolate bar” he said between laughs, I tickled him even more he was helplessly so ticklish any touch make him goes crazing laughing.  
“Stop! P-please!” he breathed I stopped helping to set down, he breathed back then hit me by the pillow saying:” you're a monster!” I chuckled throwing my hair back trying to find the separator I replaced to where I reached last time -which happened to be a paper of Harry's chocolate bar.  
His head rested on my thigh as my hand drew lined forth and back in his his soft curls, the only light in the room made by the lamp that clipped to the headboard of the bed, I read:”  
JACQUES HURY: Violaine, I am not mistaken? What is this silver flower emblazoned on your flesh?  
VIOLAINE: You are not mistaken.  
JACQUES HURY: It is the malady? it is the malady, Violaine?  
VIOLAINE: Yes, Jacques.  
JACQUES HURY: Leprosy!  
VIOLAINE: Surely you are hard to convince. And you had to see it to believe.  
JACQUES HURY: And which leprosy is the most hideous, That of the soul or that of the body?  
VIOLAINE: I cannot say as to the other. I only know that of the body, which is bad enough.  
JACQUES HURY: No, you know not the other, reprobate?  
VIOLAINE: I am not a reprobate.  
JACQUES HURY: Infamous woman, reprobate, Infamous in your soul and in your flesh!  
VIOLAINE: So you do not ask any more to marry me, Jacques?  
JACQUES HURY: Scoff no more, child of the devil!   
VIOLAINE: Such is that great love you had for me.  
JACQUES HURY: Such is this lily that I had chosen.  
VIOLAINE: Such is the man who takes the place of my father.  
JACQUES HURY: Such is the angel that God had sent me.  
VIOLAINE: Ah, who will tear us apart from each other? I love you, Jacques, and you will defend me, and I know that in thy arms I have nothing to fear.  
JACQUES HURY: Do not mock thyself with these horrible words!  
VIOLAINE: Tell me, Have I broken my word? My soul was not enough for thee? Have you enough now of my flesh? Will you forget henceforth your Violaine, and the heart she revealed to thee?  
JACQUES HURY: Go farther away from me!   
VIOLAINE: Go to, I am far enough away, Jacques; you have nothing to fear.  
JACQUES HURY: Yes, yes, Further than you were from that measled pig of yours   
! That maker of bones whereon the flesh rots!  
VIOLAINE: Is it of Pierre de Craon that you speak?  
JACQUES HURY: It is of him I speak, him you kissed on the mouth.  
VIOLAINE: And who has told you that?  
JACQUES HURY: Mara saw you with her own eyes. And she has told me all, as it was her duty to do, And I, fool that I was, did not believe it! Come, confess it! confess it then! It is true! Say that it is true!  
VIOLAINE: It is true, Jacques. Mara always speaks the truth.  
JACQUES HURY: And it is true that you kissed him on the face?  
VIOLAINE: It is true.  
JACQUES HURY: O damned one! are the flames of hell so savory that you have thus lusted after them while you were still alive?   
VIOLAINE (speaking very low]: No, not damned But sweet, sweet Violaine! sweet, sweet Violaine!  
JACQUES HURY: And you do not deny that this man had you and possessed you?  
VIOLAINE: I deny nothing, Jacques.  
JACQUES HURY: But I love you still, Violaine! Ah, this is too cruel! Tell me something, even if you have nothing to say, and I will believe it! Speak, I beg you! tell me it is not true!  
VIOLAINE: I cannot turn all black in a minute, Jacques; but in a few months, a few months more, You will not recognize me any longer...”  
I felt Harry's tears through the fabric of my pants, hot and soft but I didn't want to talk about it, I know Harry wasn't the one who would open his heart out for me in a moment of breaking down, of course 'Tidings Brought To Mary' wasn't exactly what Harry was crying for, I know it felt as if Cancer was Leprosy.  
He thinks about Violence, it wasn't her fault to be so happy and meet Pierre de Craon when he was too sad.  
Her soul was pure, she was naive and silly enough to kiss the sadness away of strangers lips.  
Violence was so nice and naive girl to realize how terrible what she done, she was helping a poor man to feel happy again, she's naive cause she still wants Jacques to marry her soul, she thinks that he would stay falling for her even when her flesh gone along with her beauty and heathenism.  
It's not fair but should be fair?  
I placed Harry's head carefully on the pillows, he was so light in my arms, he's sweet 16 angel who had a touch of bad cancer, he's too sweet for this world, he's too fragile to be here.  
I lent close kissing his forehead goodbye and turning the light off behind me.  
I slid my hands into my pockets deciding on walking home, I was lost in thoughts walking on the side walk, they were spreading the salt on the snow on the roads.  
I didn't knew for how long I been walking like this until I felt my lungs tightening, when I reached for my phone in my pocket and called the one I knew he would just be here right when I need him.  
“Liam?”  
“Louie?”  
“I'm standing urhh...” I looked around me for a sec,” I'm standing next to the underground station can you come and pick me up?” I asked hoping that he wouldn't ask so much questions.  
“Of course Louie, where you again?” he asked and I could hear him picking the keys off the coffee table. 

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣   
Author's Note:  
I Wonder how many of you reading my work? I mean how many of you really had this those pages on their phone and read them in their free time? Please let me know, if you like my writing.  
Oh by the way you guys can watch a trailer for this book on YouTube I hope you gonna like it.  
Special thank for Wattpad and Ao3 Readers those mysterious fans who never wanna give me a second to let me know they been reading those chapters.  
Have any question go head, I answer everything, Have a lovely day/night -whenever you guys been reading this- ♥N


	14. Chapter 12

►(A/N): Graphical seizure I don't know if this something to warn you about but just in case, thank you for all who still reading since I posted chapter one, or new reader welcome here you can call it a family of #TICH, hope you gonna like this book and you can share here if you have anything to say♥- N

February 11th- Day 51

I was looking to the golden numbers on the wooden doors as I pushed Harry's wheelchair through the corridor in the building complex, we were looking for flat number 121.

A Window by the end of the hallway was moving rapidly with the cold windy air out side that hit the unfirmness window, it was the loudest thing in the corridor, I could hear the televisions sounds from behind the woods muted and quite by the mattresses of air and materials, made it feel as if Harry and I were the last human waking in the whole area.

His hand brushed his hair lazily, he looked tired and I was afraid that he might start having a headache here.

"I think we are finally here!" I whispered though it was so quite in the building, the carpeting floor muted the noises as I looked at Harry who stared at the golden numbers on the door, his cheeks are crimsoning and his his eyes looked deep lost away in some other place I would never reach.

He looked sad for some reason I couldn't pin point, I knelt front him as I breathed:" hey" I reached for his hand, I cupped it into mine when he looked to our hands, then looked at me wordless.

"Is everything is alright?" I asked when he nodded, looking to our hand for a second then said:" I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do"

It didn't surprised me to hear those exact words from him, I didn't know why we were here but I believed it meant something for him and I was doing whatever it takes to help him, even when I didn't know what he really wants, it's something I learned through my time working as a therapist.

"I'm sorry, I just-..." he through his other hand in the air, "shush, it's alright, it's alright" I said soothingly, when tears fell down his cheeks, I rubbed his hand comforting him I was afraid he'll breakdown right now right here... I was afraid 'cause I might be helpless right and then, he wouldn't let me into his heart and I have to make my way in myself.

"Look at me" I said softly, he dry his tear in his sleeve sniffling when I whispered through the cold thick air of the corridor:" here, Harry whatever this was about I believe this place meant something for you before and still does, you have to give it a go."

"The thing is I'm not sure if he really needs to see me" he was more like whispering to himself, he looked down to his hand that was in mine saying:" I can't hurt him anymore."

It was specific moment I was helpless toward him, I didn't know if I had to tell him to knock that door and try for another chance or just take him back to hospital, I was lost in what I should and what I shouldn't, I didn't even pin down what I have to do.

I didn't want to push on him either to let me know why he was so afraid to see an old friend, I didn't want to make things harder for Harry his life was complicated enough, I stood up looking at the closed door thoughtfully I wished if I got answers, if I knew what was the best thing to do, how to help him? How to get through his wall of thoughts to reach what's behind them.

"It was a bad idea" he said, when I looked at him, he pulled his sleeves in his fits, I looked at him then smiled saying:" okay, if you think you might think about it then I'd like not to waste the night and take you somewhere."

"It's almost 10 at night" he said, when we heard a tick of the door as it been opened, a black haired boy appeared behind it between the shades of the darkness inside.

"Harry!" he whispered in surprise and I can see Harry froze in his his position staring toward the boy, his eyes wide in surprise.

"What are you doing here?" the boy asked softly, as Harry gulped his dry throat saying:" I-I came to see you."

The boy stared to Harry up and down for a moment for a moment, Harry must changed so much since the last time he met him, the boy looked a bit hurt, I just hoped he wasn't looking at him piteously his drawn features were transcended by a small move as he opened the door fully and took a side.

"Come in!" he whispered.

"Ur hmm... I'm sorry, this is Louis he's my friend, and Louis this is Zayn my friend" Harry said, when Zayn nodded saying:" hi, Louis."

"Hey" I said back softly offering a hand to shake, he did softly and quickly briefly second, I pushed Harry inside, Zayn turned the light on, the radio was working on some weather news it was raining somewhere in the country and it seemed to be awful people get trapped in country side of the Cheshire, it was almost muted and I get it wasn't like anybody was listen to it, Zayn just needed to full the atmosphere with any noise.

"Do you prefer tea or coffee? Or coca it's pretty cold out there" Zayn asked and I can feel the sweet soft Asian accent he got.

"Coca is nice" Harry said softly, when I felt Zayn was looking at me when I said: "Coffee, wonderful for me."

We waited for Zayn to come back, I fought the urge to go and help him in there but he didn't know me and he might feel that I'm a creeping person.

The flat decorated with few Graffiti paints and some others were left on the floor hold up by the wall, some of them left unfinished on the wooden stand near the window, there was some of those classic topic like this paint that caught my sight, it was picturing the Queen Victoria in some ceremony, some were the Jazz Age freezing a moment of the typical saxophone player in colorful background something that brought to me The Great Gatsby my favorite book of the past century.

"It's so beautiful." I whispered when Harry looked at me as he said:" he's talent even before he get into the art school."

"You knew him for too long though?" I asked when he nodded saying softly:" we are friends since diaper." I couldn't help it I smiled trying to hold my laugh back when he asked:" what?!"

"I don't know I just imagined you in diaper" I said when he didn't hesitate to hit me on the arm, I can feel how tired he was, he didn't have any strength already, I felt that somehow I could feel his exhaustedness.

"That was mean!" I said softly in mocking anger, when he whispered:" you deserve it!" I couldn't believe he was just 16 years old kid who was saying that to me, not like I mind.

We fell into the cold thickness of quintessences, Harry's eyes met mine from time to another but he didn't allowed it to take longer than a second.

"The coca and coffee" he said softly sighing the words placing the mugs on the coffee table as he through his fingers in his long dark hair, he looked into nothingness, he was particularly waiting for Harry to talk.

Harry looked at me and I get it without him saying any word, he didn't want me around for now, I pretended to call someone important excusing them to make my phone call in the balcony, it wasn't so big balcony it had small area and it have the view of the small garden front the complex.

I flicked the games open fighting the feeling to overhear their conversation I really wanted to know who was Zayn and why Harry was so scared to meet him, it wasn't the first time I hear his name today first time was in Harry's birthday party when Niall mentioned him.

I flicked Candy Crash's App open on my phone, for some reason I just wanted to make my mind busy not to think too much about everything was going around back in the living room.

Overhearing was something out of my own rules, I couldn't break it simply for two reasons: first. It wasn't polite to overhearing over someones conversation's specially when he didn't want you too and Harry didn't want me to hear this for sure.

Second. Harry would tell me if he had too, I wasn't supposed to be in his life from the beginning, I wasn't supposed to force him deal with my existence when he needs a space for his own and I'm sure this time was kind of the time he needs to be alone dealing with his life and I'm sure he could do it fine just by his own.

It was so cold the thick cold air of winter that made my lungs froze, I replaced the phone in my pocket, I hugged my jacket closer to my chest looking to the clouded dark purple sky.

The stars wasn't shining when I looked to Harry who was sitting on the wheelchair in the living room, his tears falling down his cheeks as his lips mouthed the words that sounded muted to me, he was fighting his weakness in there I knew he was too afraid to be living this moment but he was fighting now, he was fighting what he been scared of.

He looked to Zayn silently when Zayn moved closer to be sitting on the edge of the couch when he looked at Harry in the eyes as he mouthed:" okay" to him.

It start raining softly when I looked to the sky, the rain was small drops yet, a drop touched my cheek soft and slow slipping down to fell on the rail of the balcony when my eyes met by the height of the floor of Zayn's flat, the streets were almost empty of cars.

"Louis, can you come inside?" Zayn screamed between sobs from the inside, he sounded over worried broken and I thought it must be Harry, I was scared... scared of what I didn't want to name my biggest fear.

My heart fell into my feet as I ran inside, I searched aimlessly for them, when I saw Harry's wheelchair in the corridor.

"Harry!" I called.

I passed the door frame I could feel my lungs minimizing in my rib cage when I saw Harry's body trembling on the bare floor of the bathroom, I lent down quickly next to Zayn who was supporting Harry's back off the floor, I didn't know how I thought at this moment, I just ran to the half opened bedroom bringing a pillow up.

It wasn't as I was a doctor or knowing a lot about medical, but I knew what a seizure's symptoms would look like, Zayn give me more space, I called:" Harry? Harry? Come down" I wasn't even sure if he could hear me or not I just hoped he could, I was so afraid to think about it, I could feel the shivering cold hand of Zayn on my shoulder, he said something I couldn't recognize or even understand.

"Harry please" I begged him for some reason I felt he was slipping away and I wasn't the one to allow it.

Zayn's hand laid softly on Harry's face he mumbled few words, I replaced the pillow underneath Harry's curly headed softly as if he might break in my hand, I kept my hand replacing his head to look to a side of his head to make sure he wouldn't choke on his tongue, or drown if he threw up.

He was trembling in my hand on the hard floor of the bathroom, Zayn sat next to me his hand brushing Harry's hair softly he mumbled something in too low voice, my heart almost stopped when I saw the blood that smeared the white pillow, I start to panic helplessness killing me.

He start to come down slowly, I could feel Harry's heart pumping against my hand, faint whimpers of pain leaving his lips as he start to get back to consciousness, he held my hand into his, he didn't look scared, he looked sad, he took my hand gently in his he curled up on the cold floor when Zayn looked at me, he wasn't sure if he was afraid or worried, or just both.

"Harry? Are you alright?" It was stupid 'cause he diffidently not but I didn't think about it, I just wanted him to talk to me.

"'M tired" he whispered soft and slow his soft green eyes stared to me aimlessly then he closed them whimpering painfully, I felt as if he fell as if he get broken and I needed to gather him back, to lock him into a jar and never let him out.

"Can you left him up?" Zayn said softly, I nodded reaching for Harry's hand, Harry whimpered painfully, he couldn't move, the seizure took the good of his strength, left him with paining body.

"Can you put him in bed" Zayn said, when I nodded in agreement, it wasn't as if Harry was big, Harry was skin and bones so delicate as petal, he was so light and barely weighted something, his frame was small and fragile, cancer made it even fragiler.

I put Harry down into the bed I banded the small cut on fore hair, when Zayn covered him down with blankets, I looked at the boy who was laying peacefully into the bed, when Zayn said:" it's late to go anywhere now" I looked at him he was staring at Harry thoughtfully.

"Do you mind staying the night here?" he said then turning to look at me his eyes were glassy with tears as he said:" I need you to be here if anything happened, at least be here for him"

"I'd never leave him, Zayn" I whispered softly when he sniffled gathering himself back as he said:" he said you too are having nice friendship"

"Yea?" I was staring to the sleeping of Harry when he hummed in response," yea,"

"I'm his therapist" It left my mouth for no reason I just said it, when he didn't seem bothered about it or even surprised:" he told me."

It was past 2 in the AM Zayn had brought a lot of blankets and pillows to sleep over them near to Harry.

"I'm sorry I just don't get guests a lot" he whispered not to wake Harry up, I rested my head on the comfy mattress we just made in the room as I said:" it's fine, it's not so terrible it's warm and comfy."

He laid next to me his eyes meeting the ceiling as he said:" you're so nice."

"than you" I whispered checking Harry, he was so peaceful that I had to replace my fingers on his neck to make sure his heart is beating.

"Is he alright?" Zayn asked when I nodded sighing, I laid back covering with blanket I could hear Zayn breathing deeply.

"Is he alright?" he asked, when I looked at him when I said:" yea, I think he's fine"

"No, I mean how is he doing with Chemo is there's any progress?" he asked, he was looking to the ceiling as if he was afraid to look at me and hear what he bean afraid to hear maybe he been always been afraid to hear it.

"Harry had stopped the Chemo few months ago" I paused I wasn't sure if Zayn really had to know this from me, I wasn't even a friend:" he didn't response to Chemo."

I could Zayn's eyelashes intertwined letting single tear to fall down his high cheekbone.

"He's dying" he whispered.

It was so painful, it abominable feeling, atrocious words to be told about a 16 years old boy.

"Zayn..." I managed to say something but the words wouldn't leave my mouth, I would say that Harry is surviving everyday just by hoping, I would say that he still have the chance to live even if it was for few more months, it was a broken promises even before they been told, even Harry get happier and deal with his death as a matter of fact and took every chance life would give him, I still won't get enough of him, I didn't want to get enough of him.

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣

Author's Note:

OMG! #MadeInTheAM Out Now!! Tell Me If You Got It, I Want Like Talk About 24/7, If You'd Love That Contact me Twitter

Comment to let me know what do you think, all the love ♥-N


	15. Chapter 13

►(A/N): Hello, New readers (:   
February 13th -Day 53  
Two days had passed since I met Zayn with Harry, I hadn't left my flat since then, I hadn't left my own bed since I came back, I felt over fatigue.  
It was so precious for me to get some sleep, after my insomniac night, it was almost 8 in the morning when my phone ringed beside my bed on the night stand; but I had no strength to reach it, I stared to the lighting screen hoping it will stop in second.  
It did when I heard the flat's phone ringing in the living room, I hugged my pillow tight knowing that Liam is up for it now.  
I closed my eyes burying my face into the mattress of the soft fabric of blanket, the only voice there was the wheezing sound of my breathing, I know something was wrong but I was afraid to figure it out, it was like it was safer not to know… to pretend not to know.  
“Louis?” Liam said softly when I hummed in response, I can feel the mattress sinks underneath his weight as he said:” someone called from the hospital, they asked if you're coming today” he paused waiting for me to say anything but I really didn't care I was so tired to care.  
“I told them you're so sick and wouldn't make it to your appointment today.” he said softly when I looked at him whispering:” thank you.”  
“How do you feel?” he asked when I cleared my throat not wanting to sound so wretched, then said:” I think I caught cold or something.”  
“Is there anything I can do for you?” he asked sounding so helpless when I shook my head with a brief smile whispering:” I'm gonna be fine.”  
“Are you sure?” he asked brushing my hair back of my sweaty forehead, he swore under his breath as he rushed to the bathroom, I can hear few things fall on the porcelain sink, I sit down on the bed feeling a bit odd of his action, he came back with a thermometer as he said:” you might have a fever Louis, open up your mouth and let me check it.”  
I was about to start defensing myself and say that I'm 'okay' -even when I'm not- but Liam wasn't waiting this he shoved the thermometer down my throat.  
He looked to the number and I can tell that it wasn't a good news, I rested my head back on the pillows, I could hear Liam saying:” you're not going out of here until you get better, do you hear that, I'm taking a days off until I make sure you don't burn at 72 F° when you have no Goddammit idea!”  
“It's just a fever Liam” I mumbled slowly when he bring few pills to relief the fever, I took them then collapsed on my bed, feeling the coolness of the water in my insides.  
“Don't take a day off” I asked him, he sighed saying:” you're sick and I have to make sure you won't die while I'm out.”  
“This is not funny” I mumbled, when he said:” I didn't meant it to be anyway, I'm staying with you, alright...”  
“But you can't simply-”  
“It's done Louis, I'll text Andy and tell him everything” he said softly reaching his phone, he send a text message.  
“You better let the medication kick in and try get some sleep” he said covering me with blankets.  
It felt strangely safe to feel Liam around, his sweet soundless movement in the tile floor were so delicate, it almost made it feel safe to know that Liam was up and home with me.  
I woke up hours later my breathlessness was overwhelming, it was as if I was drowning, I woke to the darkness of my room, I reached my night stand to get supported by but I failed on the ground coughing to reach air into my aching lungs, it hurt with every breathe as if it was an electricity in my chest.  
“Louis?”  
I felt Liam's hand on my arm as he caught me I pushed his hand away as I coughed even worse.  
“Come down Louis” he said trying to hold me but I didn't want to be close to him, I didn't want to be touched, I couldn't breathe I needed all the space in the world.  
“Louis?” he said my name more like a hurt dog, I was coughing sitting my legs on the cold tile of the floor he sat next to me if I weren't mistaken the tears in his eyes I knew he felt helpless, he wanted to do something but nothing seemed right or fit to do.  
It took me three inhales of my inhaler and cuddling next to Liam on the couch as the TV played some carton on.  
He didn't spoke to me at all, but his looks were enough to tell me what's been hiding behind those unspoken words.  
February 14th -Day 54  
It was Sunday I didn't go to job Sundays but I felt lots better so I end up texting Harry in my bed…  
*Louis, 8:15 AM  
Morning.  
*Harry, 8:15 AM  
I thought you get killed two days ago!  
*Louis, 8:15 AM  
Nah, I made it back home safely.  
*Harry, 8:16 AM  
Good for me so I get mad on you as long as I want.  
*Louis, 8:16 AM  
Alright, as long as you come for coffee out with me.  
*Harry, 8:16 AM  
Okay.  
*Louis, 8:16 AM  
Okay.  
*Harry, 8:16 AM  
Okay.  
*Louis, 8:17 AM  
I'm sorry for not calling you days ago.  
*Harry, 8:17 AM  
We'll take about how to make it up for me when I see you, Okay?  
*Louis, 8:17 AM  
Okay, see you at 3:30.  
*Harry, 8:17 AM  
Okay.  
It was almost 9 in the morning when I wore my favorite red t-shirt and a navy hoodie on, I left a note on the counter in the kitchen for Liam telling him that I was going to meet Harry.  
I went to hospital I made an appointment with Dr. Facinelli he was particularly Harry's doctor and that how I had met before, he was a trusted doctor and meanly -specially for me- a nice one too.  
“Mr. Tomlinson” he said reaching for me, he hold my hand and shook it with a worried smile on his face.  
“It's Louis Dr. Facinelli” he smiled softly when he said:” please sit down!” I did what I been asked.  
“Thank you, I'm here as a patient” I said firstly when he looked to the file -that I was almost sure it was mine- when I said:” I think I'm turning to have symptoms of previous Lymphoma again, I feel breathlessness I get temporary fever and sometimes fatigue that I can't even leave the bed.”  
“We can't be sure until we do some tests” he said when I nodded in agreement saying:” yea.”  
“Can you please lay on here” he pointed on the bed when I nodded climbing up, he put a gloves on as he walked out of the room, I looked to the time on my phone, it was almost 12 afternoon.  
“If there's a guess it might be Lymphoma we're diagnosing then we supposed to see a swelling Lymph node by the ultrasound scan.  
I gulped as he spread cold jell on my throat I tried not to move as he moved the cold material on my skin.  
Flashback  
“Louis honey, try to stay still” mom said reaching for my hand, I was 11 years old, she laced her fingers through mines, her smiled was forced between tears as she said:” it wouldn't last for too long, I promise.”  
End flashback.  
“I think we are heading to the biopsy choices but I think we probably start with the staging tests too” he said and I can tell by his face that was giving the signs of the tumor, I nodded anyway I sat on the bed.  
Flashback  
“You gonna be alright Louis” mom said, she was trying to it more to herself, she was trying to believe that there's way out of this, that I would survive and come back to normal healthy and… fine.  
End Flashback  
“Are you alight Louis?” he asked when I nodded as he said:“I'll ask you to make a blood test including CBC and LDH and for conformation I'll ask you for a PET scan too.”  
“Okay” I said softly as I jumped on my feet, he said:” I want to tell you that there's a chance that you're fine but you have a history of the tumor and there's a high chance that just turn back again.”  
“I know” I nodded saying softly when he said:” you gonna be alright Louis, you had done it once you can do it again.”  
I wasn't sure about it.  
I crossed the hallway to Harry's floor he was trying to stay awake as he sat in the wide window, his legs been hugged to his chest as he looked to the clouds on London's city, he wore a red jumper and blue jeans pants, he looked lost in thoughts he hadn't even noticed my existence, I put my bag on the floor saying:” Harry.”  
“Hey” he said looking at me when I said:” how do you feel?”  
“Fine” he said softly when he said:” I love this t-shirt”   
“I love your jumper too” which they both were red colored.  
“Ready to go?” I asked when he nodded when I reached for the wheelchair in the corner when he said:” no, I'll walk with you.” I nodded taking his hand in mine.  
I walked with him to Sophia's cafe, she smiled to see us when she said:” Hi.”  
“Hi” Harry said as I looked around for a table when she asked:” oh how are you doing, Harry?”  
“I'm fine, thank you, how are you?” he asked when she smiled saying:” I'm fine too, I'm so happy to see you again.”  
“Oh! Thank you Sophia” he said when I brushed my hair back with my fingers asking:” no, hi for Louis I'm the one who's your friend Sophia!!”  
“I meet you every week Harry is occasional and special” she said when he chuckled saying:” thank you”  
“So what you hope to drink or eat today?” she asked when I said:” just tea”  
“Coca for me and those cupcakes you made they are so nice I'd love if I get some of them.” Harry said soft and slow, I could feel Sophia's feeling of how adorable this kid sounded, he could be heard for days talking even if it was about nothingness.  
“I'll come back in minute” Sophia said when Harry looked at her leaving, I looked out the window when he said:” how was the past days without me?”  
I wasn't sure how to tell it, I was going to diagnose cancer too, that I felt so awful, that I feel terrible every night trying to fall a sleep.  
“It was fine”  
“I heard you called in sick again” he said marking when I looked at him he looked at me too as if he was trying to read my mind, I said:” I caught cold” I lied  
“I'm sorry for this”  
“Here your cupcakes coca and tea” she said replacing our orders front of us, she smiled saying:” enjoy your time if you need anything just call me.”  
“Thank you Sophia” I said, she walked to the kitchen when I looked at Harry he forced a brief smile.  
I know right and then that there's was something he wasn't telling me, I asked:” is there something you want to talk about?”  
“Zayn called the day after our visit, he said he wished he could meet you in better occasion” he said softly licking the frosting off the cakes.  
“I want to meet him too” I said in response waiting for him to tell me more, I could feel it the unspoken thoughts the poisoned our brains.  
“He was happy to come back to contact me” he said more as if he was telling himself out loud.  
“He means much for you” I said reaching for his hand letting the hot drink burning my other hands finger tips, when he looked at me then said:” he does.”  
“Why you were so afraid to see him?” I asked, I let it out, if it was for this moment I wanted to feel save around Harry, I wanted him to let me into his heart and open it up for me it was the only way to feel save back again with him.  
“I had to push him away, not only him I spend over a year trying to push everybody else away” he said softly staring thoughtfully to the surface to his teaming drink.  
“Why would you do that?” I asked when he looked at me his eyes were soft and glassy, he said:” I couldn't allow them to get hurt be cause of me.”  
“I'm dying and they don't have to care about me anymore” he said taking a sip of his drink, he gulped heavily as if he somehow tried to swallow his tears down along with sadness down.  
“This is the stupidest thing I ever heard” I sad when he looked at me, I lent my back to the board of the chair as I said:” you can't stop people from caring about you.”  
“They don't have to Louis, they wouldn't change a thing if they did so why they would care” he said defensing his point, I understand the way he see the thing, I knew that he didn't want anybody to get hurt, he didn't want anybody to love him so much to break when he leaves… but its too late.  
“I hurt Zayn once I can't do this again to him” he whispered through the thickness of the air when I said:” you can't hurt somebody when he loves you Harry.”  
“Well, I did” he paused looking to his hand that rested on his thigh under the table when he said:” Zayn dealt drugs after I diagnosed, he said:” it helped him to ease the pain he felt.”  
I was surprised with how much Zayn would care for Harry, he looked out of the window when he said:” when he knew about my cancer he refused to come to see me, he refused to talk to me, I didn't knew why but I understood later, he was too scared to see me breaking, he was so scared to see me fragile, I had to scream at him back to reality, I had to tell him the truth, that I wasn't coming back and he has to deal with it or just leave, and he just listened to me.”  
His tears fell down his cheeks he wiped them with his sleeve as he chuckled saying:” it was the first time he listened to anything I said,” he sighed the words.  
“You still have the chance to make it up with him” I said taking his hand in mine, I just hoped he could see that even when he doesn't have the when he doesn't have the whole time in the world, he still have the chance to end those thoughts that keeps him up in the night feeling locked with them as they live perpetually.  
He looked at me, he was searching in my eyes for something that I hope he finds.  
“I'm running out of time” he said softly.  
” Harry, people would take life time doing something when we can do it in weeks 'cause we appreciate every moment as it was our last” I said sipping my tea.  
I looked to the falling rain on the concert, people were crossing the street in hurry, I took a sip of my tea when I felt Harry's eyes on me.  
“Are you alright?” he asked when I nodded simply, I wasn't alright I wasn't even sure what I was, the earlier meeting with Dr. Facinelli was taking the good of me, I didn't want to think about the possibilities even if it was matter of hours to be my only truth to deal with.  
“Is something annoying you, Louis? Is it something I did?” he asked softly taking my hand in his, I looked to our hands if I thought about his touch if I was going to die he can't get used to the feeling of me being around.  
I took my hand away burying in my jacket's pockets, he looked at me, he looked hurt, he was hurt.  
“Louis?” he whispered when I said:” It's not you Harry, I'm just still feeling a bit sick that's all”  
He was teenager but he wasn't stupid, he knew when I do lie to him, he didn't look at me any longer, I can see his lips curling and uncurling, he wasn't trying not to look weak front of me, he was fighting not to be.  
“Harry-...”   
“I'm tired, let's go back” he said softly standing off his seat and wearing his jacket on.  
“Harry-...” I said again when he walked away, his tears were falling down his cheeks he just tried not to show them off to me, he wanted to hide away and disappear in the darkness away of me, it hurts me to know that simple motion broke him so bad.   
“Harry-...” I called when he crossed the door out of the cafe, I tried to follow him between the crow of people who were heading back to their homes.  
“Harry!” I called through the folk on the sidewalk, but Harry gave me no attention and kept walking a head.  
I walked and walked until my vision get blurred by the lack of Oxygen in my brain, my lungs screamed for air as I following him, I called desperate:” Harry!”  
He stopped but never looking at me instead he looked to the ground, when I said:” I'm sorry.”  
“You have nothing to be sorry about” he said and I knew he was going to make it even harder than already is.  
“I'm sorry”  
“Just take me back to hospital”

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
Does those words made you feel something? Please share me, I'm here to listen for what do you thing of the previous 40,500 words.  
Thank you for you who left those nice kudos for me and those beautiful readers who voted for my book, and the best of all those who comment let me know their favorite parts of this book, All the love ♥ Always-N


	16. Chapter 14

►(A/N): If you guys like it please let me know, I'm keep on posting 'cause there's 1300 of you are reading this work so let me know what do you feel about it, N  
I was waiting outside Harry's hospital room, Nurse Rosie was there to check on him, she asked me to wait outside for a minute and she really had to threat me that she was going to call the security guards if I didn't listen to her.  
I end up doing what she told me to do or particularly what Harry told her to do, he didn't want to see me, he didn't want me around him it was killing me that I couldn't believe that was Harry who had asked not to see me.  
“Rosie?” I called her name when she looked toward me, hugging the clipboard closer to her chest.  
“What's going on?” I asked thought I'd might be go out of mind right and then.  
“He's having a headache it's bad one, he needs to get some sleep to let the medication kicks in” she said softly when I said:” I need to see him.”  
“Mr. Tomlinson, Harry really need to get some rest, please try to understand.” she said holding me back from getting closer to his room.  
“I won't bother him I promise, I wouldn't even come close to him just let me see him” I begged 'cause it seemed like there's nothing else I could lose in the moment.  
“I'm sorry, he doesn't want to see anybody right now… specially you” she said softly leaving me alone walking to the reception desk.   
I end up falling a sleep curling on one of the chairs in the waiting room, I didn't know how I end up hugging my knees close my chest feeling my hot tears running on the fabric of my pants, I didn't knew what had woke me up, not like if I cared.  
Deep down I hoped it was just a nightmare, I wished that nothing of last night memories had happened I wished I didn't pull my hand away of his, I wished I didn't lie to him, I wished if I never ended up be the one who hurts him and break him worse.  
I went to the bathroom pushing the door open, I met by the cleaner employ, he didn't bother to look at me he was busy hearing something over the earphones.  
I let the water run between my hands, let them freezing by the lack of the heat I washed my face and wiped my hair with my wet hands, I was so tired of feeling guilty and sorry.  
I walked out of the bathroom when I saw Rosie, she was trying to catch her breath, I freaked out to see her here.  
“Good, you didn't leave” she said with a wide smile, she sighed saying:” he just woke up and he wants to see you.”  
I felt my breath labored a smile creeping on my face as I said:” thank you for telling me.”  
“Better hurry!” she suggested.  
I hurried wasting no other second to his room, I knocked the door then open it slowly, he was laying on his bed hugging a pillow close to him, he looked so tired, he looked up at me as he whispered:” I'm not mad at you, so save it.”  
“I'm still sorry” I whispered back knowing that he would feel awful to noise, “don't be.”  
He made a space for me to climb next to him, I did though when he gave the pillow to put it underneath my head, I hugged him close to me when our breath was the only voice that could be heard in the room, the quietness hugged us perfectly into the early morning of a winter day.  
” Louis?” he whispered, I hummed in response closing my eyes letting my soul diving with him in the warmth of our little cocooned space.  
“They're thinking of restart a Chemotherapy all over again.” he whispered, I opened my eyes looking at him, he was already looking at me, the statement caught my breath.  
“What?”  
I feel his arms loosened around me when I hugged him closer to me allowing him to curl up around:” they think it's gonna give me more time.”  
I rested my chin on his head. I wanted more time for him, I wanted him to get every second he could get and more, but I didn’t miss the wavering in his tone and the way his hands turned nervously and loosely around me, and I guessed that Harry didn’t feel the same. Though it pained me to think of losing him, I understood. To people who haven’t had cancer, it’s impossible to understand what its like to live in a body that's rebelling against you a body who's fighting you, that you have to live fighting back your own you, they don't really feel how the radiation seeps into your bones and drowns you in weariness, but when its happening to you dying almost seems like a welcome respite from the pain. “Have you told them you don’t want to?”  
“It’s not my choice.” He replied simply.  
“I know you're not legal yet, but have you tried to speak to your parents, it’s your body. You can say no.”   
He shook his head ever so slightly. “I can’t. She just- I don’t blame her.”  
“She?” I asked, reaching for his hand that rested on the back of my ribcage, I let his fingers threading through mine. I’m sorry. Feel better. Be better. I couldn't thought of anything more than this, I just wanted him to feel fine that would make things easier but I had to reach all the way to how to reach the finesses.   
“Mum. I can’t tell her- I don’t want-” His words were breaking now, trailing off and starting up like he couldn’t quite pull his emotions together long enough to form a coherent sentence.  
I didn’t speak, only rubbed my thumb slowly across his hand, trying to pour comfort into him. He took a ragged breath, continuing. “She thinks she can keep buying me time. More quarters in the parking meter, one more month, two more months. More pills, that’s two weeks, maybe three. A bit of experimental medication, that will be a month. Saving your son from dying on his bedroom floor where he belongs, you get seven months. Congratulations Mrs. Twist, you must be so proud.” he let the words slip out of his mouth, what seemed mocking words about his life was his reality, the fact that his mom wanted so bad to be living never looking that she was paying more suffering and more pain to him.   
“Oh Harry.” I said softly, letting him huddle against my body. I guess in the vein of lame water metaphors, Harry was a lake, the kind with low dark depths and monsters in the deep. “She’s only doing it because she loves you.” of course she does, her love is so blind to see that he didn't want life with pain anymore, but she won't think about it this way, she didn't want to lose her 16 years old baby, she would give him all the time in the world to stay a life right next to here.  
“I know.” He murmured. “That makes it worse.”  
“I wish I could fix this for you.” I said, smoothing my hand over his shoulder. “I wish I could buy you all the time in the world.”  
“Don’t say that.” He said, letting out a long gust of air.  
“Why not?”  
I’d thought I knew why, maybe his abhorrence for anyone who said they cared, maybe because he knew it couldn’t happen. But I guess he never really stopped surprising me. “Because when you say it sometimes I think maybe you could.”  
And as we laid together in the hospital bed, I think I understood that sometimes love could be blind with different ways we might be had never thought about.  
Not all the love had to be a romantic story between two, I believe that love crossed those lines for the infinities of ways.  
I thought I loved Harry, I loved his soul meanly, as a sun who bright up a day and bring those summer laughs back to ears I believed that what Harry was, he was a sun.

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣   
Author's Note:  
This Chapter one of my favorites, hope you guys love it as I did, thank you for your support, keep asking me whatever crossed your mind I'll answer all of your comments  
One more thing I have a tumblr it's niav-eden I post some photos of the places of this book and some other random writing of mine, you can check meanly cause I don't know how to add photos on ao3- just not yet:P- Love all around ♥-N


	17. Chapter 15

►(A/N): I had this plan I put it up to finish this book; but if you have exceptions and love to share with me I'm all ears for you, Always, All the love   
P.S. I Really Wanna Know How Many Of You Really Care About This Book? Please It Would Mean Too Much To me♥-N  
February 14th -Day 54  
It was Sunday evening, the day passed too fast or this just how I felt since I had no strength to leave my bed.  
I was swaying with semblances, it was a place between sleeping and conscious, a foggy, blurry space of clouds and shades, it been like this since I came back from hospital that early morning, I had this mysterious headache that prevented me from falling a sleep I end up taking a regular Paracetamol to ease the pain, it become even worse few minutes I start feeling sick.  
I threw the blankets away letting my legs touch the cold tile of the floor, I felt lightheadness getting to me, I closed my eyes tight replacing a hand on my mouth trying not to throw up on.  
I hurried to the bathroom, I support my unsteadily body with my hand that I placed on the everything I could reach making my way to the small area of unforgiving coldness of the bathroom.  
I dropped my knees on the floor and I was helplessly sick.  
I never really handled being sick, specially when I get used to mom being around me offering comfort and reassurance in my early age and even when I get older, she was the one who would be there to rub my back and hug me sweetly in her arms wiping my tears away and made those circles in my hair until I fall asleep.  
I knelt on the floor, hovering over the bowl, shaking and crying quietly, I felt sorry for me, I felt lonely and left out even when I had nobody who really did left me out in anyway, I knew this how exactly felt when I go all the way breaking down.   
I sat on the tile of the floor I could heard the phone ringing in the living-room, I hoped Liam would pick up soon; I wasn't sure how many of time I had spent it sitting just like this, but the sun had gone down and that goddamn it phone won't stop ringing.  
I walked to the phone in the living room, I collapsed on the couch answering fighting my uneven breathing:” hello.”  
“Mr. Tomlinson, is everything is alright? I been trying to call you for a while now.” Dr. Facinelli asked.  
“it's all fine, I'm sorry I wasn't around” I said rubbing my tired eyes, I could hear the pages of paper being folded, he said:” Mr. Tomlinson, I called you to inform you about the tests results you made day ago”  
I held the mouthpiece closer to my ear as I said:” go head Dr. Facinelli, I'm listening.”  
“The tests came positive, biopsy showed cancerous cells in the Lymph node, we had staged this to...”  
I could hear the front door opening as Dr. Facinelli said:” I'm sorry Louis, I wished I have better news for you.”  
“Louis?” I tried to put the mouthpiece back on the telephone Liam took it from my hand when he asked worriedly:” what was that about?”  
I didn't know what I had to tell him, he didn't even knows that I got the symptoms of the cancer.  
“Louis?” he asked looking at me worriedly, he put his hand on my forehead as he said:” you're feverish!”  
I felt hotness running on my cheeks, they were my tears, I looked to Liam speechlessness cursed my tongue, I couldn't tell him that it wasn't fever it was cancer, it wasn't just cold it was cancerous cell that my body produced, that my own body was trying to kill me.  
“What's wrong?” I knew he was dying to know what was going on, I knew Liam would care for me, I just couldn't talk.  
“Louis, what's wrong? Is that because the phone call?” he asked holding my hand in his trying to assure me whatever it was he was holding me and going to let go.  
I nodded.  
“Your family are alright? Is something happened back home?” he asked trying to help me to speak it up to him.  
“No” I breathed shortly.  
“Was it the hospital?” he asked.  
I nodded.  
“Is it one of your patients? Did something happen to Harry?” he asked worriedly, I shook my head.  
“Louis please tell me what is it? You're killing me worried” he asked.  
“I'm sick.” I managed to say, it sounded to little, a lie to what it's really is the truth.  
He looked at me for a long moment, his chocolaty warm eyes stared to me a million question floating in the air but he never said them out loud, he just stared at me.  
“Is it cancer?” he asked and I made no response, I tried to hold myself up, I tried not to sob front of Liam, I didn't want to break down front of him, I was good at making the best act of holding up, I just needed to play it on as I used to do.  
His eyes weren't angry or shock, they were soft and warm in comforting in way made the whole thing more painful than it's already is.  
People won't look at you like that when they think that it's all going to be alright, that this bad news doesn't have to be the end of life, people look at you like this when they feel sorry, or realizing that they are no longer going to have you around, people look at you like that when they realize that you become inconstant part of their life, when they think that they going to miss you.  
“Why didn’t you tell me you were having symptoms again?” He asked, voice soft and gentle, like he thought I was about to shatter.   
I want to run to lock myself away but feeling this with Liam, I didn't want to feel what he been thinking in right now. I run a hand in my hair as I said:” I hoped it was nothing.”  
I paused, gauging his expression. “It’s not nothing, is it?”  
He shook his head, lips pressed together. “No. It’s not nothing.”  
I inhaled deeply, felt the air compress in my lungs before exhaling long and slow, my body deflating with the breath. “I'd messed up.”  
“It’s going to be fine.” He said, looking like he wanted nothing more than to scoop me up in a hug and never let me go. “You’re going to make it through this.”  
“I don’t know if I can.” I answered honestly, feeling as bleached and pale as the living room we sat in, damp feet on dirty tile and a growing emptiness in my heart. “Just tell me how bad it is.”  
“Stage IV. It's pretty not one of my best PETs” I said, stepped tentatively forward, holding a hand out like he needed me to take it as much as I needed to. I’d never seen him look so fragile, my safe strong Liam with hairline cracks tracing his skin.  
“That’s pretty bad.” He replied, twisting my fingers together, a complete and utterly hopelessness building up inside me. “I messed up so bad.”  
He nodded his acceptance. “But you’re not going to have to do this alone, you know.” I could see how much this was hurting him, hear the tenderness in his voice, how much he wanted to be able to fix this with a hug and a hot cuppa.   
I nodded, moving so I was holding tightly to his fingers, hands strong and warm and familiar. “I know.”  
He smiled a sad little half smile. “I love you, Lou.”  
I nodded, my vision blurring as I collapsed into his chest, head buried in his neck. I was so small in his arms, his hands pressed on my shoulders and caving me into his ribcage, head tucked into my shoulder like he was trying to protect me from the outside world. Hugging Liam was like hugging a big teddy bear, a teddy bear that squeezed you just tight enough that you felt like nothing could get you and smelled like aftershave and detergent soft and comfortable coziness of feelings and smell.  
“I love you, Li.”  
He ran a hand through my hair, fingers rubbing my skull in soothing circles. “We’re going to be okay. I’ll take care of you.”  
I buried my head in his collarbone, letting myself hope that Liam was right, that I could make it through this. “Thank you.”  
“It’s nothing.” But standing there in the kitchen with a tumor growing in my chest it was everything to me.  
February 16th -Day 56  
I woke up deciding on seeing Harry today, I took a quick shower wearing one of my red colored sweat pants and a navy sweater on a white t-shirt, I wore my Vans on, I didn't bother bringing anything but my phone and Tidings Brought To Mary's book.  
The underground was crowded it annoyed, it felt as I couldn't breathe in here, I had to take deep breathes to fill up my body needs of oxygen.  
I made it up to Harry's floor, I was breathless when I said:” morning Rosie”  
“Morning Mr. Tomlinson” she said back, I head Harry's room I knocked on the door when I heard:” come in, Louis”  
“You knew it was me” I said noting when he closed his laptop screen saying:” nobody really bothers with knocking but you.”  
“How are you doing?” I asked taking my Vans off when he said:” I'm not dead I'm not healthy but I'm fine” he sighed the words replacing the blankets over his small frame he asked:” when was the last time you slept, Louis?”  
“I don't remember” I admit.  
“You have to get some sleep Louis you look tired” he said softly, his eyes were caring his hands rested on his knees when I nodded.  
“Do you wanna come up?” he asked when I nodded saying:” yes, please”  
“Good I need you to be here so I can get some rest too.” he said softly taking my hand, I climb to sit next to him, I felt the room spinning around me I closed my eyes tightly when he asked:” everything is alright?”  
“Just tired” I sighed as I turned looking at him, he looked a bit worried, I said:” Harry?”  
“Yea.”  
“Life is too short” I said.  
“Yea, at least it feels like if it is”  
“I want to finish this book before I don't have any chance to finish it later” I said when he looked at me then said:” why it's too special for you?” he asked when I shrugged.  
“Violaine she gave Jacques her soul and her heart all for only him and he ended up breaking her and calling her demon's child, I want to know how this book ends, I want her to find her happy ever after” I said softly letting the words float lazily in the atmosphere of our small space when he said:” do you love blanket forts?” he asked.  
I was confused 'cause I had no idea what blankets forts have to do to the book I was planing to finish with him.   
“I used to have one in my room when I was a child, it was my escape” I said anyway.  
“I want to read this book in a blanket fort, Louis” he said looking at me, I couldn't help it I looked at him.

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
Blanket forts -and more- next chapter, sorry for the hang it's past midnight and I have lectures to be attending tomorrow, you guys have a lovely day/night wherever you read this, always, all the love.


	18. Chapter 16

►(A/N): Blanket Forts and Tidings Brought To Mary, have fun it's so beautiful book♥-N  
“I think if we tuck the blanket to the bed and with a little help of the chair we could get a tent” I suggested sitting up when he nodded biting his lower lips in thoughtful way.  
I stood on my feet when he said:” I was thinking all the day how to make one on the bed.”  
“The floor doesn't seem that bad you know, we can have the carpet to sit on” I said support my loopy body on Harry's bed.  
“Alright” he said handing me the blanket as he said:” you got that, I'll bring the pillows” I nodded.  
I pulled the thick blue blanket back and over the bottom of the bed, noticing how the entire room seemed to have a smell just a little bit different from the rest of the hospital. I couldn’t quite pinpoint it, it was just an intangible aura that spoke of warmth and Harry, I didn't even know why brain remembered this small specific thing and felt comfortable to it.  
I stretched the blanket taunt, securing it by placing the leg of my chair over one corner and the leg of the table on the other, giving us a little right triangle of a tent. Harry tossed some pillows into the cave I just made, arranging them so the tile floor was fully covered, and then ripped sheets off, draping the star printed cotton over the exposed sides until we were completely enclosed in the dimly lit space.  
“Can you turn the light off?” he asked.  
“Okay.”  
He turned the small lamp he clipped to his bed headboard on, make the light illuminated on the blue blanket, he said:” I love blue.”  
It was nice in the fort, the light from the hall and Harry’s small lamp filtering in blue, shadows drifting in the small space. It was only after we settled in, me propped against his bed, he on his back, feet resting near my head, that Harry spoke, softly as to not break the silence that had descended over us like smoke. “Louis, are you okay?”  
“I’m here to talk about your problems, not mine.” I said, avoiding his question as I tried not to let out the sigh that risen up in my chest, meanly a tear not to escape me away, I fought to get steadiness, attempting to give him a smile. I’d been holding it together just fine all day, but there was something about this room, the way his eyes seemed to spear me through, that made it impossible to pretend anymore.  
“It’s okay to not be okay, you know.” He said, staring up at the dark blue fabric. “And you’re not.”  
I let out the sigh. “I know.”   
“It’s easier in here though, you can tell me whatever.” He said, a small smile working its way across his face as if he was quoting me happily. He did that a lot, his grins never quite reaching their full capacity as they curled lazily across his mouth not that sassy type of grin. I wished he would just laugh again, for his dimples to crease his cheeks like in those pictures when he was tanned and happy and not sick, I wished if I really could make his life happy as it was before even if it had to be for only one day, I wished I can mend him even temporarily.  
“It is.” And suddenly I wanted to cry for reasons I couldn’t quite explain, because it wasn’t fair was it? It wasn’t fair that his body was betraying him, because boys with beautiful innocence souls and huge hearts shouldn’t have to die in six months,   
“Louis?” He was looking at me now, concern furrowing his brow.  
“I’m fine.” I said, though I don’t think I was all that convincing. I felt his fingers wrap around mine and then I was clutching his hand like it was a lifeline, and I had the faint feeling that maybe it was.  
After a long moment, I loosened my grip, regaining control over myself. I felt a little stupid, l was supposed to keep my own personal problems out of these meetings wasn’t I? And now here I was having an emotional meltdown in a blanket fort with a kid I’d known for less than weeks. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what that was.”  
He turned his head so our eyes met, blue against green, communicating an unspoken agreement. It’s okay, I’ve got you.  
I grabbed a pillow from the far side of the fort, tucking it behind me and settling in. Harry was pressed against my side, head hovered over my shoulder like he wanted to rest it there but wasn’t sure if he could and was too afraid to ask for permission. I smiled, enjoying the soft tickle of his curls against my shoulder as I pressed him closer to me.  
I opened the book to the page where I last reach reading to him…  
“Jacques Hury: Tell me, what shall you do, wretched woman!!broken!!  
Violaine: Take off this robe. Leave this house. Fulfill the law. Show myself to the priest. Go to.  
Jacques Hury: Well?  
Violaine: the place set apart for people like me. The lazar(1) -house of the Geyn, over there.  
Jacques Hury: When?  
Violaine: To-day this very evening. There is nothing else to be done.  
Jacques Hury: We must avoid any scandal. Go, take off your robe and put on a traveling dress, and I will tell you what it is right to do.”  
I looked at Harry who was listening close, he said:” he's taking her away and breaking the marriage cause she's gonna lose her body.”  
“Yea,” I said softly as we two fell in a lake silence.   
“This book is awful” he finally said.  
“You don't want to read it?” I asked when he shook his head saying:” no, I just can't make my decision if Jacques is just awful person who dumped his fiancee 'cause she's no longer beautiful or it's Violaine's fault that she wants Jacques to love her even when she had nothing to give in return.”  
“Does this what love about? Take and give?” I asked conversationally.  
“there cannot be justice between us two! but only faith and charity.” he quoted Violaine's words, I smiled softly when he said:” she's right there's no justice in love, it doesn't even had to be any justice when it comes to love.”  
“Yea,” I whispered.  
I continue reading when I felt his head back on my shoulder…  
“It was the Christmas Eve when Mara went to see Violaine, she searched for her and she hadn't been mistaken, everybody knew her a the leper women.  
Mara: It's a long time you've had her?  
A man: Almost eight years, and we'd like it well not to have her at all.  
Mara: Is that because she has done harm?  
A man: No, but all it same it's unlucky to have these varmint kind of folk near by.  
The mayor: And then, 'tis the parish that feeds her.  
A man: By the way, I bet they've forgot to take her her bite to eat for three days, with all these doings about the road!  
A woman: And what do you want of this woman?  
Mara makes no reply, but stands, looking at the fire.  
Violaine: Who is this That does not fear to walk with the leper woman ? You must know that it is dangerous to be near her, and her breath is deadly.  
Mara: It is I, Violaine.  
Violaine: Your voice, so long unheard! Is it you, mother?  
Mara: It is I, Violaine.  
Violaine: I cannot see.  
Mara: Lift your veil, then.  
Violaine: Under that I have another.  
Mara: You cannot see any more?  
Violaine: I have no longer any eyes. The soul lives alone in the ruined body.  
Mara: Blind! How then are you able to walk so straight ?  
Violaine: I hear.  
Mara: What do you hear?  
Violaine: I hear all things exist with me.  
Mara (significantly): And I, Violaine, do you hear me?  
Violaine: God has given me the same intelligence Which He has given to us all.”  
“Oh god!” Harry whispered slow on my shoulder, I put my arm tighter around him offering comfort through my touch.  
I continued reading…  
Mara: He has cruelly punished you.  
Violaine: Not more that it was due to me.  
Mara: And already, he to whom you had submitted  
your body has forgotten you?  
Violaine: I have not submitted my body!  
Mara: Sweet Violaine! lying Violaine! Did I not  
see you tenderly kiss Pierre de Craon the morning  
of that beautiful day in June?  
Violaine : You saw all, and there was nothing else.  
Mara: Why, then, did you kiss him so feelingly?  
Violaine: The poor man was a leper, and I, I was  
so happy that day!

Mara: In all innocence, wasn't it?  
Violaine: Like a little girl who kisses a poor  
little boy.  
Mara: Ought I to believe that, Violaine?  
Violaine: It is true.  
Mara: Don't say, too, that it was of your own  
will you abandoned Jacques to me?  
Violaine: No, not of my own will. I loved him!  
I am not so good as that.  
Mara: Ought he to have loved you the same, though  
you were a leper?  
Violaine: I did not expect it.  
Mara: Who would love a leper woman?  
Violaine: My heart is pure!”   
“Please stop!” Harry speak out softly, his fingers touching my hair in soothing way, I turned to look at him his tears are wetting his face, his fingers touched his lips as if he was scared.  
“Harry?” I asked getting him closer into a hug.  
“She's so innocence, she deserve to be loved even with her leprosy” his voice broke with tears.  
“This is not fair, life not fair, this all meaningless” he sobbed pushing me away but I didn't… I didn't let him go out of my arms, I didn't let him breakdown, I held him together.  
“Harry, come down please” I said softly when he sobbed leaning more into my hug, burying his face into my neck.  
“It doesn't have to be fair” I said softly rubbing his back.  
“Why?” he asked.  
“I don't know” I admit.  
“There must be a reason why she had to get leprosy, there must be a reason why I had to get cancer, there must be a reason why you had cured, there must be a reason why everything is happening, there must be a reason why were are a life.”  
“Maybe it's just all meaningless” I said.  
“If it is then there's no mean to be a life”  
“You can't not to live, you'd be wasting great chance of being tasting all the sweetness and bitterness of the feeling of being a life.” I said.  
I thought about what he’d said, about how he’d believe in reasons for our life his words give some in-understandable meaning, for me, my words seemed meaningless if life was a chance to enjoy the desires of being exist then we would feel no longer happy, there had to be a limit and infinity after, I theorized life as the infinity which impossible as long as life always ends with death so it more as a limit, a temporary fix.  
There's must be something infinite, something that won't going to be aged with time and won't change with place.  
Something or somewhere when we get the justice we miss in this life, somewhere were 16 years old boys with cancerous cells in their brains live happily without worrying about leaving their loved ones, somewhere where Violaine can be loved.  
“We're such a fools!” he said lightly when I looked at him as he dried his face with his sleeve.  
“We get ourselves into this mess of reading a sad French play that written before our grannies even born, like there's no other book left in the world to read except this one.” he said.  
I thought about what he had said of how he spent the last year making sure he’d have no one left to hurt. I wasn’t sure he knew yet, but as I sat in the semi-darkness I was sure that he was going to end up hurting someone.   
When he died, he was going to take a piece of me with him.   
“It can't be just a matter of chance that we're here” he whispered.

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
So What do you think, just in case if anybody have any complications there was a word (1) Lazar: Means a person who got leprosy, I don't know my Office had redden under line it as a type of mistake so I decide to search.  
If you enjoyed be sweet to me and vote/like/kudos, comment I read, I promise, All the love ♥-N


	19. Reminder

I Hope You Enjoy This Book, I Know I Hadn't Been Updating For Ages But I'll So Soon, If This is your time reading I totally wanna thank you for deciding on that one, I won't let you down but you been reading this I want to thank you so much for your patience, I still have things for you in this book, I love you all


	20. Chapter 17

►(A/N): Sad flashback, This book stressing me emotionally, there's million feeling I have to pin down and my feelings won't take it easily, I hope nobody end up with this emotional syndrome, I love you so much thank you for your support ♥-N  
February 17th -Day 57  
I knew I was I was fighting water; but I was only sinking.  
It was dark in my room just when I woke up, it felt as if I been forced under the water's surface, my clothes were wet of my sweaty body, my lungs closed up every part of my body hurt not just my brain that screamed for air.  
I tried to reach the light lamp next to my bed, I accidentally push it but I held it back not to fall down and wake Liam up.  
I sat on my bed my head facing the mattress of the bed, I can't break down, I couldn't allow it.  
Flashback  
I didn't want to be touch and ruched toward, I couldn't breath, I felt as it was one of this times when I put my head under very cold water that even my breath and force the air out of my lungs.  
“Louis, what's going on?” mom rushed through my bedroom door calling me out, she turn it the light on leaning on my bed next to me.  
“Louis, Louis, do you hear me?” she asked over worried, she shook me back and forth but all I did was pushing her hands away, as my tears fell down.  
I couldn't breath, I couldn't even tell her that I couldn't breath.  
“Louis, baby, what's hurt? What hurt honey?” she asked taking my hand in hers trying to smooth whatever was wrong with me.  
“Louis talk to me? What's going on?” she called louder, I wanted to tell her that it was hard, so hard to breath, that my whole body hurts so bad just to force the air down into my lungs, I just want it to stop.  
I cried burying my face in my hands, I didn't know when it happened when mom start crying me to speak to here.  
“Jay?” my step-dad called worriedly stood by the door frame with my baby sister crying in his arms.  
“I don't know what's wrong, Mark, he can't speak to me” she said her voice breaking down in the few last words.  
All I remember that our neighbor Mrs. Mason was there when Mark carried me to his car I still remember the sound my sisters crying when our parents had to leave them, Mark rushed me to the hospital that night.  
End flashback.  
I took the headphones from the drawer by the bed, I searched my phone reaching the only record I have for mom…  
♫Mom &I- Donny, 16 September, 2015  
February 18th -Day 58  
I felt too much hurt, last time I knew the chemotherapy was even worse than the actual cancer but I almost forgot how exactly it was worse, it broke my knowledge and my expectations.  
I had spend the afternoon laying on our couch, groaning and lying to Liam through the phone, he was overwhelmed 'cause it was my first chemotherapy day and he had to be work so safe some lives.  
“How are you doing?” Liam asked through the phone as I replaced that one under my ear between my head and the cushion.  
“I'm fine, I'm just tired.” I said, when he sighed saying:” there's no food in the fridge, what had you ate?”  
“I ate some biscuits Sophia brought days ago.” I sighed rubbing my eyes with my hands, I was so tired and it hurt and I couldn't even fall a sleep not to feel anything.  
I can hear the many sirens around him when I asked:” what's going around?”  
“It's a car accident a man, he been using her phone while driving, he ended up hitting a headlight in the street but lucky him, he survived without no wounds or bruises, but the gas and electric made a huge fire, I'll help around and then I'll head back home to you” he told me in hurry.  
“Okay, have fun in there.” I said softly sighing shakily I felt too sick.  
“Take care of yourself Louis, and call me if anything happened” he said, I chuckled saying:” sure mate.”  
“Promise?”  
“I won't die before you're Liam don't worry” I said, replacing my arm on my stomach as I sat down to prevent the upcoming sickness.  
“Goddammit Louis! This is not funny!” he yelled through the phone, when I said:” yes, it was mommy, I gotta hang up, I have to take my dose-”  
“Louis, wait-”  
“Bye Li, have fun.”  
I hanged up before he says anything else, I knew he was going emotional; but I didn't need anymore pains, it's hurt pretty much enough.   
As a fireman he was saving people with the every mean the word 'save' could have, it fit his personality, the caring, careful, responsible persona he got, civil defense was great choice of job for him.  
I took few deep breathes down in, when my phone buzzed on the couch next to me, I couldn't fight it anymore my hands run to my mouth it felt so awful and too sick.  
I flushed the toilet, trying to catch my breathe on the cold tire of the bathroom floor, I can hear my phone buzzing again, I was holding up, I still have the manner to hold it up, it was my fate to get Lymphoma in the first place even if it seemed unfair and injustice but I couldn't change it and I learned that when I can't change something I just try to deal with it and think about the better things of it.  
Yes, there was something can be called 'better' and even beautiful about cancer at least it was a reason why I end up meeting those children in the first place, it was a reason why I met Harry.  
*Harry, 3:16 PM  
Hi, you hadn't came today and I wondered if you have a plan to finish Tidings Brought To Mary?- H  
I smiled as I read his text on my phone screen, I climbed back to my previous spot on the couch, covering my cold body with the blankets I brought earlier.

*Louis, 3:19 PM  
I'm sorry, I couldn't come for the visit today, I actually a bit sick and couldn't make it out of bed.  
*Harry, 3:19 PM  
Louis, are you alright? How do you feel?  
I chuckled bitten my lower lip of his kindness, most people would ask me if I had seen a doctor and what he did said; but Harry ignored whatever doctors is thinking and just asked how I feel.  
*Louis, 3:20 PM  
Sick, mostly.  
*Harry, 3:20 PM  
I'm sorry for how awful you feel, is anybody home with you? Or are alone?  
*Louis, 3:20 PM  
Liam on his way home, and technically he's calling like every 3 minutes.  
*Harry, 3:20 PM  
I'll start my chemo in hour, I just wanted you to know.  
I stared for his message for a while, I thought about him being alone in that room as they inject those chemicals into his veins senselessly cutting his flesh open, never cared how much it hurt him or how much pain he does feel, they just want to make cancer stops spreading in his flesh.  
*Louis, 3:21 PM  
Can you wait for me to come over? I won't late just wait for me.  
*Harry, 3:21 PM  
What? No, Louis it's fine, don't come over, it's fine.  
*Louis, 3:21 PM  
Too late I'm already on my way.  
I replaced my legs on the floor, I had to get my shits up and go see him, he needs me, he doesn't that it hurts too much worse when nobody cares about how it feels.  
I put a jacket on my hoodie wearing my Toms, I wrote Liam a note a pin it on the fridge with the magnet saying:  
“Job needs me sorry (: Lou xx PS don't call I won't late.” I just didn't want him to worry and get me out of him mind until I'm back home.  
I took the underground to the hospital, I didn't want to late Harry over his chemotherapy, so I hurried, I was running fast in the corridor fighting my messed up lungs to work against cancer, but I couldn't late.  
I was wheezing in the elevator, my hands rested on my knees as if they would help me not to collapse down.  
“Louis!” Harry said as he looked at me wide eyes.  
“I told you not to come over, why you did that?” he was mad at me, I can feel it in his voice.  
“I'm sorry I couldn't-”  
“Harry, who is he?” a women asked and I can see that she had the delicateness of Harry's features, I can tell by how she looked and how she acted that she's his mom.  
“Louis Tomlinson” he said not even looking at her, just looking at me as if he begged me to leave the room but it was so late I was already here.  
I looked at here, she was still having the question look on her face, she waited Harry to explain but he was too far away from explaining.  
“I'm Louis Tomlinson Harry's therapist” I said softly when her question soften with with my words, she nodded saying:” yea, I remember Des telling me about you before.”  
“I bet he did.”  
“Can you wait for me for a second please? I wanna talk to you” she asked I froze looking at her, it took me few seconds to nodded and wave 'bye' to Harry saying that I'd see him later.  
I waited for her in the waiting room, I wasn't used to deal with the parents of my patients even when it was obviously part of my job, it was easier for me to help kids to get through their depression, fears, hopelessness… but I couldn't help a parent.  
She came out of Harry's room, I walked toward her, she wiped her tears away trying to look stronger, she said:” Harry wants to see you.”  
“Okay.” I more of whispered the word to her.  
I opened the door of his room, his face had the wetness of tears on, he was looking to the window when I said:” hey.”  
“Hey.”  
I walked toward him, I didn't offer it, I just pulled him into a hug I kept my arms loose a bit around him, I felt his arms around me, he tightened his arms softly and I did the same to him, I sat on the mattress of his bed, he start crying.  
I rubbed his hair and his back, I whispered:” it's gonna be alright, you want lose everything, you'll just have another try.”  
“I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, Louis, I don't wanna die.”  
It hurt me deep down to hear those words out of him, it hurts 'cause he was just a child, it hurts 'cause he was so good, it hurts 'cause he had to be happy, it hurt 'cause he sun shines shouldn't be in hospital rooms having chemo in minutes, it hurts 'cause caring nice sweetheart kids should be radiating loughs, it hurts 'cause what scared him scared me, it hurts 'cause nobody can do anything about it, it hurts…  
“Harry don't do this to your self, don't think that way, shut this idea down in your mind, look at me! Look at me!” he did.  
“I'm scared too, but you can't live scared of something instead of facing it, you still have time just hold on to life as long as you can.” I whispered to him our eyes locked on each other.  
“I'm sorry Harry you have to be ready for your chemotherapy” Nurse Rosie said behind me, I looked at Harry as I said:” it's gonna be alright.”  
“You gonna stay 'till I come back?” he asked, I nodded.  
“Thank you.” I smiled briefly, I wished if I could help him out, I wished if I could take this feeling out of his chest but I just couldn't.  
His mom was taking to Dr. Facinelli in the hallway, I waited for her, when Dr. Facinelli walked toward me, he asked:” Mr. Tomlinson, what are you doing here? I thought you had your chemo today.”  
“I did earlier”  
“You have to get some rest, you know that right?” he asked when I nodded saying:” I just had to drop by to check on one of my patients, I really had to be here.” I said through my hand in my hair, when he nodded saying:” just don't stress your self, you would think coming to work would help ease the pain but it doesn't help your body, it's need time to recover of the therapy.”  
“I'll do my best.”  
“Good luck Mr. Tomlinson.”  
“Thank you Dr. Facinelli have a great evening.” I said as he walked away.  
I saw Harry's mom standing by the window when a nurse talked to her about something I couldn't catch, she stood in there looking to the nurse who walked away, I can see her glassy teary eyes shining.  
“I'm sorry for being late” she through her hand in her black hair in clear anxiety  
“Can we go out?” she said not looking at me, when I nodded.  
I followed her to the parking area, she opened the door for me to get in, I did I felt my breathing get tighten when I get onto her car, I can smell a clear smell of tobacco stuck in the air, I coughed few moments when the cigarettes smell get into my lungs.  
I downed the window glass, she looked at me when I said:” sorry, I have trouble breathing, it's not contagious, don't worry about it.”  
“Are you Asthmatic?” she asked, when I shook my head saying:” no, not Asthma.”  
“Harry got Asthma when he was younger, but he got much better by aging.” she said softly looking to the road and I started feeling what this meeting was about.  
“I might have to thank you, you raised him very well.”  
“Thank you” she mouthed as she took a turn to the left side.  
She took me to some cafe, she said:” it's not too much of place but it had a nice memory.”  
“Don't worry about it ma'am” I said when she took a seat and so I did, we ordered something to drink when she said:” I'm sorry for not telling you my name earlier, I'm Anne Twist, Harry's mom.”  
“I'm glad to meet you ma'am” I said softly when she said:” doctors and nurses think you had helped Harry a lot, I must have to than you.”  
“Harry just needs someone who would listen to him Mrs. Twist.” I said, when she said:” you seem to be a good listener.”  
“I do my best”  
“Harry didn't wont to get any medication, before now, he was so hopeless.” she said with a smile, she wiped a tear that slip down her cheek.  
“He's strong, he just thinks too much about things, but he can work it out, he can hold on.”  
“Have he told you about-…” she hesitated not sure if she had to ask or not.  
“About what Mrs. Twist?” I asked when she looked at me saying:” he tried to finish his life before?”  
“I did knew about it.”  
“I don't want him to be sad”  
“It's side effect of cancer, he can't help it not to be sad.”  
“I love him so much, I just want him to be okay, I want him to be happy again.” her voice shook with the words in pain, her hand flew to her mouth to stop her sobs, she sighed saying:” I don't wanna lose my baby.”  
I couldn't say something back to her, I imagined my mom, I couldn't tell mom that she wouldn't lose me 'cause I couldn't promise her something I'd never be sure enough about it.  
“Harry strong, he gonna do his best.”  
“He's fragile, he's my baby and I know he's too far away of being strong he's fragile.” she said tears running down her face.  
I wanted to tell her that he was fragile but he wanted to be a live so he'd do his best for what he wants, Harry was strong I believed.  
“Ma'am, I know that must be tough but Harry you exactly that your baby don't own every time of the world, he's running out of it, but in the other hand where the certainty is he still have it, he still have time to be a life, we have to help him to do much of it happy, it's hard I believe and he also your baby and it even harder for you to act like he's dying but he in moment have those uncertain time limited we just need to make him take the best of them.”  
“What are you talking about?” she asked more in shock of I just said.  
“Harry needs our help to feel like being life, he needs us to distract the feeling of being dying to help him feel that it's okay to be dying.”  
“It's not okay!”  
“I know, but sometimes we have to learn how to expect the worse, even when it's too hard to be dealt with.”  
“I can't think of my baby leaving me, it's impossible… impossible.”

♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
SPECIAL THANK YOU TO 1011 Reader on AO3, thank you for hitting on my book, you guys are one the greatest things that I ever got in my whole life thank you so much.  
So here's an update, I hope you like it, I really look for your comments, I wanna know how do you guys feel about it, love all around ♥N.


	21. Chapter 18

✵Chapter 18  
►(A/N): Mention of drug dealing, overdosing, depression thoughts, and lots of Zayn.  
New reader hello! Welcome to #TICH family, love all around ♥- N  
February 20th -Day 60  
I opened the door of my office when I found someone who was sitting on my chair, I can see the coiffed white tips of black hair.  
He turned to face me, I felt quite surprised to see this features once again, specially right here.  
“Zayn!”  
“I'm sorry, I didn't really plan to crack your office, but there was nobody out to ask him in” he said, replacing his hands in his pockets, it didn't feel right specially 'cause I can feel that he was here for some reason, it wasn't just a visit.  
“Is everything is alright?” I asked softly pointing to the chair front my desk, he sat and I did the same on the opposite one to his.  
“Nothing I'm not used to.” he said.  
“I'm sure I can can listen, you know?” I said softly leaning closer to him.  
“You don't have to play patient- therapist with me, you know that right?” he said when I smiled briefly leaning back again.  
“I'm sorry if that seemed as a therapy session, but I'm really happy to see you again.” I said when he smiled saying:” I actually came to see Harry, and decided to maybe you'd be around to see you along”  
“Oh, that's don't me feel so special” I said, when he chucked, I can see the crinkles by his eyes, he looked tired, meanly sleepless with darker lines under his eyes.  
“Do you wanna join me, we can get some cuppa or something?” I asked, when he nodded slightly, I stood up through my hand in my hair offering a hand for him to take, he smiled briefly, he took my hand in his softly, I was the one who held a bit stronger on his hand, I can feel that Zayn wasn't the type of touchy feely guy not like Harry anyway.  
We went to the cafeteria in the hospital, he waited for me when I brought us some coffee, he was scratching his the tattoos on his arm and passing his hand on his short beard as he waited for me to come back.  
I smiled as I said:” it's not Starbucks coffee or anything close, but it smells good right here.”  
He placed his hand around the carton cup, he turned aimlessly held it up few inches then placed back on the table as he said:” I'm actually not too much into coffee.”  
“Yea? I'm sorry… What do you prefer to drink, I'll bring it up for you?” I said too embarrassed.  
“Never mind, coffee is okay, it's just… I don't care how it taste or smell, I just don't pick on when it comes to coffee.” he said.  
“If you want-”  
“Its fine, Louis honestly.”  
He took a short tasteful sip, he didn't seemed to be bothered though, I took a sip of my own cup, when he said:” Harry talked to you?”  
“About?”  
“About me?” he asked.  
“He said that you been friends for too long he meanly said that he really appreciate your friendship” I said.  
“Well, he hadn't told you why we hadn't seen each other for too long?” he asked not daring to eye me, mostly he didn't want to know what was going between the unspoken words in my head.  
“He hadn't speak any reasons to me, but I know he did everything he done 'cause he didn't want to hurt you.”  
“It's silly way to think like he can't not to hurt me even when doesn't want to.”  
“I'm sorry I just don't understand” I said when Zayn sighed rubbing his left his hand with his hand.  
“Harry is blaming himself 'cause I dealt drugs after he diagnosed, he avoided me for almost a year, hoping that it will make me forget all about him and maybe get better and ever more happier” he said soft and slow, his voice broke with the edges even when he tries not to so breaking.  
“So he was wrong?” I asked leaning closer to the table, when he sniffled leaning back as he said:” You can't simply forget about sweet, nice people, specially when life ends you up with people who don't care about you, you kept pushing you around as if you're meant to be listening to them, you can simply have punch of those but have one of those kind hearts of human being that would fix or at least understand who you are, that what Harry was to me.”  
“I guess he was radiating even more before the cancer” I noted softly, when Zayn looked at me as he said:” Harry hadn't change when he got the cancer not even when he diagnosed, he changed when he knew that he can't raise his hopes up until he lost all of it”  
I looked at Zayn and I must had this unbelieved look on my face 'cause he said:” he was okay until doctors told him that medication hadn't make the hopeful progress they hoped.”  
He paused and we fell into freezing silence, I watched him as he took his cup shakily, he took a sip not looking at me at all, his eyes shined with tears, that he never let them pass his lashes.  
“I'm sorry I know it's so messed up and you probably need to have some refreshment about your job, patients and all”  
“You won't imagine how much I sucked to my job” I said with the small smile trying to light the air a bit for him, when he said:” well, I hope you find your escape soon.”  
“I don't think that I want to find escape, I already made my choice about what I want to do with my life.”  
“Not everybody would know what they really wanna spent his own life doing, you know that right?” Zayn said when I nodded saying:” yup, I do know.”

February 25th-Day 65  
*Harry, 8:17 PM  
I start to think that you lost in the land of living, tell me if you still can reach me somehow- H  
It was what Harry had typed for me, I was lying on the couch after the chemotherapy, it could be feeling like taking the life out of my flesh, I was trying to keep the toast I just ate down, I can hear Liam and Sophia talking in the kitchen softly but still enough for me to hear it, their conversation were mostly about me.  
I was so tired I didn't even want to type Harry a reply, I just stared to his message for a while, I let the phone drop falling on my chest, I hugged the pillow closer feeling sickness bother me all over again.  
I closed my eyes tightly hoping that it's just a feel and that's will go in a second, I supported my tired body to sit down, I took few deep breaths; but it just made it worse.  
I ran to the bathroom.  
“Louis!” Liam called.  
I felt his hand on my back soft and smooth, Sophia knelt close to me soothing words into my ear, I felt awful I was crying, I hate this, I hate being helpless.  
“You gonna be alright Louis” Liam said, and I sobbed harder, it wasn't getting even close to be, it feels even worse, he hugged me tight, he gathered my pieces in his arms.  
I was laying in my bed Liam sit next to me placing my head on his thigh, Sophia set by the end of the bed.  
“Liam sing” I whispered through the dead silence in the room, he through a soft hand in my hair asking:” do you want me to sing?”  
“Yea,” I whispered.  
“I thought you don't love my voice when I sing in the shower” he said softly when Sophia chuckled, I looked at her as I said:” you don't wanna hear him singing in the shower, it just awful, just break up with him right away if you ever had to hear it by a chance, don't feel a shame he deserve it anyway.”  
“Well, done Louis!”  
“Trust me you don't wanna hear a gorilla falling out of tree, that's exactly what it is”  
“He actually sings for me but he sounds adorable, he's so talented and he really knows how to make you feel the lyrics.” she said sweetly.  
“Oops, 0-1 Sophiam!” Liam chant when I hit him as hard as I could in his arm.  
“You Such a dork Louis!”  
“Sing” I hissed.  
“Yes, Liam sing please” Sophia said, he sighed playing with my hair strands, he start soft and sweet singing, it was so comforting in there with the little whispered that landed in my ears I didn't attempt to get, I just closed my eyes Liam is holding my hand rubbing it softly.  
I won't lie sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I never met Liam, if I never decided to go to London and study Psychotherapy, what would my life look like if I listen to mom and stayed in Doncaster studied Drama just like she wanted me to do, what it would be like if I choice the easier life that one when I don't have to struggle every morning to catch up with my patients, to have to deal with too many feeling of breaking, losing, depressing and falling apart, giving up, hoping, spending the last moments of lives before they slip away 'cause whatever what end is coming it's about time no matter it's cancer or just aging end is nothing to avoid, it's a fall everybody taking the special about it to enjoy everything about it.  
I had never regret being what I came, with all the hard parts of being a therapist in the cancer ward, I still keep this believe deep down that no matter what happened to me, I did what's right for my life, I choice what I can be proud of when it's my last day, I just will know that I hadn't waste my life and I had spent every day of it trying to help someone, trying to change lives to better, it's something to live for.

February 26th-Day 66  
The Friday was extremely cold, it was raining all over again, Liam was wearing the kitchen gown trying to wash the breakfast plates without getting his outfit wet, I put on my jacket walking out of the room when Liam looked at me.  
“Are you going somewhere?” he asked when I took a sip of my tea nodding slightly.  
“You look tired stay for few more days” he said when I placed the cup down saying: “I wish I can but I have to meet someone today” I said placing some gloves on.  
“Don't tell me you're going to hospital now!”  
“Why do you think I have to meet someone in hospital anyway?” I asked putting a beanie on my hair, I can feel it get too long and it had to get cut soon but not like I really mind.  
“Do you even have other people out of the hospital region? I don't even believe you does know anybody except Sophia and I”  
“Well, I do know other people” I said walking closer to him, I kissed his forehead playfully when he blushed saying:” what's wrong with you today?”  
“Nothing I just don't want you to get jealous if I'm going to meet someone which is not you”  
“I'm not jealous!”  
“Whatever you said, teddy bear”  
“Don't call me that!”  
“Why?”  
“Just go off already!”  
“I'm, have a good day out there teddy” I called from the door way, I can hear him huffing inside, I chuckled placing my hands in my pockets when I met by Mrs. Cullen she was holding too many bags when I said: “Morning, Mrs. Cullen” I helped her out with the bags when she said: “morning Louis, please don't, they aren't heavy”  
“It's okay” I said when she smiled, she opened the door of her apartment as she said: “thank you so much Louis”  
“Not like I done something”  
“You're a really caring boy, thank you… just place them on the counter there” I did what she asked, she looked around when I asked: “do you any help around?”  
“No, Louis thank you”  
“Alright, I might go” I said softly when she smiled warmly I waked out to the hallway when she looked at me sadly as if she wanted to say something, I waited a bit but she said nothing, she looked sad, Mr. Cullen usually look happier, she always found her joy in something simple like plants or cats, I hoped she was okay.  
I knocked the door's of Harry's room I opened it slowly when I heard no response, I thought he might be a sleep and I didn't want to wake him up but I also wanted to see him.  
I walked inside his room was empty, the bed was un- done and the half of the blanket laid on the floor, I picked it up placing it on the bed.  
I was worried about Harry, he hadn't left his room before, I could that yellow teddy bear that placed under covers it wasn't there before today at least at what I knew, I heard familiar coughing in the bathroom, I hurried to there.  
“Harry?”  
He was kneeling front the toilet, I held his hair back for him as I whispered leaning next to him:” it's gonna be fine, it's okay Harry”  
He was fighting my hands, he didn't wanted to be touched, he cried as he said:” please get out!”  
I didn't listen him, I rubbed my hand on his back mouthing smoothing words into his ears not paying attention to his hand that pushed mine away.  
He leant on the toilet, he was crying, crying really hard, my heart yanked out of my chest watching him so broken I just wanted to gather him back.  
I knew what his night was like, I know 'cause it's too much like mine, I just hoped he would let me make it up for him.  
“Harry”  
“Please leave, you don't have to stay… it's too disgusting and it won't stop” he cried hiding his face away.  
“Harry, please don't do this”  
“Do what Louis?” he cried.  
“Pushing me away, like you don't need me to stay”  
“I don't really need you to stay, just leave you don't have to be here” he stood up, I helped him on his feet he refused to let me do it anyway, he washed his face and his teeth, he didn't look to the mirror.  
“Louis, leave I'll be fine it's just the chemo, it'll be fine”  
“I know what is it Harry” I whispered in response.  
“So leave!” he yelled a bit to me.  
“I don't want to leave, I need to stay with you”  
“Yea 'cause you been texting me back the whole night through”  
I didn't even know he was mad 'cause I didn't text back, I mean why it would bother him so much but he's bothered and I have to deal with it all 'cause it's my fault.  
“I'm sorry for not texting you back, I was tired and-...”  
“And it's okay to ignore patients sometimes” he yelled, he was in so bad mood, I didn't yell back even if he didn't make sense to me, I stood there as he sit on his bed, he didn't say anything anymore and so I.  
“Set down” he whispered softly his voice faded in the atmosphere when I looked at him, he wiped his face dry as he shrugged saying: “I mean if you want”  
“I'm sorry for not texting you back, I mean I was the one who said that you can text me anytime you want” I whispered back, he bit his lower lip gulping as he said:” I'm sorry I shouldn't be yelling like this, I don't even have the right to tell you what to do”  
“Never mind” I said, when he smiled saying: “I'm sorry, I been feeling so bad last night, I hoped you'd call me or something, tell me something to keep my head busy away of those thoughts, it's just-...”  
“I'm sorry” my voice cracked I felt guilty not 'cause I had to be that one for him, but 'cause he relayed on me and I just failed him down.  
“I heard you took a vacation” he said not looking at me, I nodded we fell in silence for a bit before he looked at me his eyes asking what his lips couldn't ask Why?  
“I feel so tired Harry, sometimes I really have to take time off to gain my strength back” I said when he smiled slightly he said:” like a super hero you are” I smiled.  
“Do you realize that you save lives?” he asked when I shook my head saying: “I don't I help people to do that them selves, Harry”  
“You still kind of hero” he said, looking to his hand that rested on his knees.  
“I always wanted to be a hero too” he whispered.  
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
Around Two Months ago Someone called Janina had left a comment on my book on AO3, telling me about her cousin who had diagnosed with fanconi anämie – kind of anemia 'caused by bone marrow-.  
Doctor had said she'll live to 12 but her cousin is 18 I quote her words: “She's the most amazing and strong person I have ever seen now she's helping other people with such diseases.”  
I almost cried to read her words, I have them plated on to remind myself every time why I wanted to be a writer.

Sometimes we could change the world and we don't have to be like any of Louis and Harry, we could be just ourselves, maybe -in the book- Louis grew up thinking about last chances of living 'cause of his cured cancer but what about us?  
I hope you all enjoy this book as much as I do, always in my heart.


	22. Chapter 19

✵Chapter 19  
►(A/N): Thank you for everyone who reads this for a while now, thank you for the new readers I love to know that something I wrote caught you up just to check in, I hope you gonna like it, I'd love if you share me your thoughts, love you all, I'd never made a lot of this without your help ♥ Niav.  
February 29th- Day 69  
I'd been spending more time with Harry than ever, except for the days I had to go for chemotherapy I spent long time with him, I didn't know the mean reason I been attached to the feeling of him around me, I knew it was wrong to be too close to a patient 'cause for all of the points they will leave you in the end not like I cared, I just enjoyed the moment I own with him for now.  
I dressed in a casual outfit for the day a baggy sweet pants and a t-shirt with sweater and a jacket on, I knocked on the door when I heard: “come in Louis” I can hear his chuckle from behind the door.  
“So now you know it's me!” I said when he smiled saying: “you have a special knock on the door, I should be realizing it soon by now”  
“Perfect, I didn't even knew myself” I said taking a seat on the arm chair when he said: “you look tired”  
“I'm fine” I mouthed not looking at him, I was laying and he could know, I pretend to look to his yellow teddy bear.  
“Louis, if this was a really trouble in sleeping you might had to see a doctor 'cause you look horrible” I must had looked so bad really by the way he sounded, I nodded anyway, I didn't want to urge him or lie anymore.  
“What the story about this yellow sunshine?” I asked when he smiled looking to the stuffed animal.  
“It's mom's she had brought with her few days, she wanted to tell me that I'm her sunshine but she has so fluffy way to say it”  
“It's cute”  
“I think that too” he whispered looking to the yellow bear, I smiled reaching for his hand and asking: “how you been doing?”  
“Good, I'll live eventually but yea, you?” he asked.  
“I'm okay” I nodded, I felt his hand touching my hair when he smiled saying: “your hair is longer”  
“I'm too lazy to cut it” I said.  
“Don't I love it that way, it's looks beautiful that way” he said, I smiled saying: “you just gave me a reason not to get it cut Harry watch out that I might look like caveman in few weeks” he chuckled as he said: “there's noway you could look like a caveman Louis”  
“Whatever!” I said shrugging when Harry smiled reaching his beside table, he opened the drawer taking a book out of it he said: “I want to ask you something?”  
I can already guess what he wants me to do, he made space for me as he said: “come here and read for me until we fall asleep”  
“You already knew this is not going to happen, you always fall asleep on your own letting me reading alone” I said taking my shoes off, when he chuckled saying: “what I'm supposed to do, I'm totally helpless, you're a really good story teller, you have to be on radio or something”  
“I'm honored let's call the BBC for a deal of kids storytelling show or something”  
“I'm not a child!” he huffed when I smiled saying: “who said you're?” I knew how he hated to treated as a kid, I think it's part of how he really wanted to take care of things instead of the opposite way when he had to be taken care of, it wasn't a choice for him, I bet his family is such a protective one.  
“Can you please read and stop making fun of me?” he said.  
“Sorry sir!”  
“Louis!”  
“Okay, sorry!”  
I picked the book the familiar French play of us, I smiled placing the glasses on my eyes when he rested his head on the pillow to close to where I placed my arm, I pulled him closer start reading on.

March 1st- Day 70  
I couldn't stay home it felt so locked in my own room, I didn't know what I was thinking when I put my jacket on leaving a note for Liam that I'm going hospital, I catch the underground to there, I was tapping the ground with my feet the whole journey everything hurt generally but I just wanted to go into the unexpected.  
I went to the hospital when I got stopped by the receptionist.  
“Can I help you Mr-…?” I looked toward the man who tried to be nice with me, I couldn't really tell him why I'm here I mean I'm bored wanted to try crash the hospital it doesn't sound like something to tell, I took out my hospital ID, the man nodded with a smile.  
“Mr. Tomlinson?” I heard the familiar voice it was Olly's?!  
“Olly?” I asked when he smiled saying: “I'm so happy to meet you it's been too long”  
“Yea, life and all, sorry for that how are you doing?” I asked.  
“Just fine, sometimes it's gets crazy in here but isn't that what it supposed to be?”  
“Yea, sure it's how it supposed to be” I said with a smile, he put his hands in his jacket as he asked: “is there's anything I can help you about?”  
“Nothing I just came to see Harry or any of the kids but the visits still won't be allowed until few more hours, I'll wait for it then”  
“I want to stay with you for a little if you don't mind of course, I mean let me ask you for a drink or something” he asked.  
“That's sounds so nice thank you so much, Olly” I said rubbing his back, when he smiled saying: “it's nothing really.”  
I took a sip of my tea, when I stated: “you changed your hair's color” he smiled placing his cup down as he said: “Yea, just to change”  
“I like it when it's straight and blond” I said he smiled saying: “thank you”  
He looked happy it gave me a comforting feeling just to remember how his life had changed to better form in that last few years, from the broken, depressed, the Olly Child to Nurse Olly who everybody in cancer ward loved, he was happy even when he spend his day with no old 18 years kids, happy even when he didn't have a life to worry about back home maybe it did worry him sometimes but it's not like he really need it in the moment.  
“I've heard something, a rumor I don't know if it's true or not, I just wanted to ask you are you alright Mr. Tomlinson?”  
“It's Louis, Olly!” I sighed when I took a sip of my drink when he watched me, I said: “What was the rumor about anyway?”  
“That you had relapsed to cancer again?” he asked softly, he was worried, I smiled as said: “it's true, it's gonna be alright, I mean it's not like I hadn't beat it before” I chuckled taking a sip of my drink, I didn't believe what I said not like he did either, he kept watching me.  
“I'm s-sorry” he tried to say but it came more like a soft squeak.  
“Hey, let's not just talk about it and I appreciate if nobody knows about it, it every way I'm doing just fine”  
“I hope so”  
“Don't worry about it”  
“You means so much to me, Mr-...”  
“Louis!” I cut him off, when he smiled can't fight my sassy talking back.  
“You really mean a lot to me Louis, you saved my life, I would -if I had the chance- regret dying that day” I reached for his hand across that table, he hadn't really become tougher, it makes me so helpless, I like wanted to lock him up and roar to the world to be nice to him.  
“I'm so thankful that I had another chance in life, that at least I hadn't die let the people pity me, I didn't want to be pitied for any reason”  
“Is that really mean that much to you?” I asked.  
“It does, I hate it when people think that I'm weak, fragile, or things like that”  
“You're not”  
“I think you made me that way”  
“Me?”  
“Yea, you kept telling me how I had to forget about my father, that I don't have to hate him or hate myself for whatever happened, I couldn't understand this before but then I got it, you're stronger when you know how to forgive and find reasons to live for”  
“I hope you find the thing you want to live for, Olly”  
“And did you find your reason to live for, Louis?” he asked.  
“Yea, I did I just wanna help others, it makes somehow stronger”  
“I think it could be my reason too”  
“Well, I believe it could too, but you have to know that there's many things else to be in life, it could be things you never thought about it before”  
“Like what?”  
“Like being a father Olly”  
“A father?”  
“Yea, a father”  
“I haven't thought about it before” he mumbled reaching for his cup, when I said: “that's what I mean Olly, you have to try things out, you have to search for the things you can do in life and do the best in every way you could but something will be always your best that one will be the reason you live for”  
“A father?” he whispered when I said: “does it sound scary?”  
“Yea, I mean without talking about my own age, I don't even think about getting in relationship with anybody, love is just a type of things I'm not ready for”  
“Why?”  
“'Cause I'm not ready to give and taking care of someone's heart it's a responsibility and I don't think I'm ready for it”  
“It doesn't have to come now, Olly but it could be a choice so don't made your mind already, be open for choices” I took a sip of my tea, it had started getting colder now.  
“Why hadn't you be in relationship?” he asked, I tried not spill my drink all over the table.  
“I'm sorry, pardon me, please”  
“It's okay, I just hadn't expect the question”  
“My bad I shouldn't been asking you personal questions, that's so mean I'm so sorry”  
“Hey, it's fine I think we knew each other for years it's not something to apologize about and actually I think I can't be good partner”  
“What? I mean why not? You're wonderful caring person I ever seen, good looking and anyone would fall for you so easily”  
“Well, looking at what the truth is, I'm a boring person, I don't get out of the house and I actually hadn't put falling in love on my list for things to do before dying, I take the people as a lovely friends to stuck with nothing more”  
“Is it your cancer?” he whispered not sure if he should even ask when I smiled shrugging: “it was for a long period of my life, I mean there was the time I was actually diagnosed with cancer and time I was worried about relapsing back again, I had to less the people who's getting hurt when my breathe stops in my lungs, mom was enough for me, you see it's not a choice to take it's been already taken for me”  
“I'm sorry”  
“You don't apologize it's nothing of your fault, you have to understand that every chance is a good choice to try so don't lock yourself away” he smiled.  
“I don't want you to keep blaming yourself for what happened in your past Olly, it wasn't your choice nobody thinks it was, but what's now is and that's what you gonna regret later, you don't wanna end up old and helpless praying to die already when you can have a family, someone you love to stay with for the rest days of your life, someone who won't leave you no matter what”  
“That's would sound like a dream”  
“You'll find your one and only, don't worry about it, it'll appear in the right time”  
“How do I know it's the one and only?”  
“I don't know, but you'll find someway to know a feeling maybe”  
We went out of the cafe, I smiled looking to Olly he said: “I'm so happy to meet you today Louis”  
“Me too, glad that I had get up that hour just to meet you, it's really-… happy to meet you”  
“Me too, if you need anything, just call me, I always keep my phone on”  
“Thank you”  
I watched him as he walked away, he turned to wave at me for one last time, I'm glade he made it out of ER that day, I'm glad I'm able to feel the way he makes me does, the feeling of being in control, like I have strength to do an actual change.  
♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣ ♣  
Author's Note:  
I bet nobody having any idea about this but I actually updating this through my finals! I don't know why in the world I feel I wanna update when it's my finals and when pretty free with nothing to do I had no idea how to start a chapter, my mind works artfully in finals always amaze me.  
I hope you're enjoying this, thank you for all who left kudos for me on Ao3, Wattpader and Tabloers thank you for you lovely readers.  
What's your favorite character in the book -beside Louis and Harry of course who doesn't love them?- I love Olly myself, his character is one of my favorite, I hadn't met anybody having this type of sweet character in person but I'd love to, what about you?  
So I'll start putting the final chapters of this so soon, following updates will be important and promising.


	23. Chapter 20

March 2nd- Day 71  
I dried my face with my sleeve, sniffling a bit when he smiled saying: “you're such a weak heart”  
“Shut up”  
“You're not seriously crying 'cause that IV”  
“I'm sorry but I'm not crying, it just-… it must hurt, I mean the injure look awful”  
“It's okay, it wasn't that bad,”  
“You have to be careful”  
“Sure” he said closing his eyes, I get that he was tired.  
“Have a good day Harry” I kissed his forehead goodbye, he was a sleep, he been up for few minutes, to only get more pain killer to numb the throbbing pain in his head, I start feeling tired too.  
“You'll come tomorrow?” he asked, I nodded saying: “yea.”  
“Okay” he said softly his voice broke a little.  
How come I hadn't notice? How I couldn't notice, how did I let this slip away of my thoughts.  
Seeing how small in his bed how tired he looks, Two months had flaw by…  
“… I have only got six months to live”  
“Have a good day Louis” he didn't fail to say, I smiled briefly, I wanted to say something back but I knew what was about to come, I nodded hurrying out of the door, I felt the tears on my cheeks.  
They were tears of helplessness, I didn't want to watch him fading into the pain.  
It was early morning, I took my jacket off followed with my Vans, I was breathless 'cause of the few steps I walked in the corridor, I collapsed on the couch trying to catch my breath, maybe I should tell doctor about this, I can't really remember when was the last time I breathed like normal person could do!  
Just thinking about the whole thing makes me wanna run out of my sick body, makes me wanna rib my lungs out for how sucks they were, but nothing I can run away off me was fighting me and it's what cancer is.  
“Louie?” I looked up to Liam who was wearing his uniform for his work.  
“Everything is alright?” he asked.  
“Yea,”  
“Okay I'm going work, do you need anything?” he asked checking the time on his phone screen.  
“No,”  
“Alright, see you then” he said hurrying to the table taking his keys, I rested my head on couch's arm, I closed my eyes, I barely moved my legs to lay on the couch, it was cold, I just hoped I'll fall sleep in no time, I hoped I won't feel anything.  
I laid there for a long while trying to fall asleep but all I done there was trying to find another position that possibly would feel more comfortable, I couldn't fall asleep.  
I sat on the couch's edge, I can feel the fire burning inside my chest, everything hurt that I barely can name what I really feel in the moment, I was supported by the walls trying to help my given in legs to carry me to my room.  
Suddenly, I tripped with the chest drawer's foot, I fell directly on the floor.  
I groaned in pain it wasn't the fall which hurt, I couldn't move, it was my chest that hurts a growing pain, I was suffocating my body was trying to kill me, I groaned hitting my head on the floor, I couldn't think in anything to do, nothing… I was alone in this place, I've been alone for too long.  
It was one of times I thought of how unfair life was to me, I thought of how pathetic my existence felt like, the lost war I was fighting in, I was falling anyway no matter what I did, I was no way winning this war, I decide that I may want to give up, finally.  
March 3rd- Day 72  
I woke up, ironically enough, on Thursday the third. Waking up in the ICU is one of most disorienting, awful experiences you can have. Confusion comes first, stiff white cotton alien under your fingers, pale blue walls that are supposed to look friendly but just look clean too clean to feel more as weird. Then there’s the remembering, as you recall the affliction that got you there in the first place, pain still reverberating through your body as you try and account for all your limbs.  
I was struck first with a dull ache in my chest, looking down to find a tube sticking absurdly out of my body like some macabre plastic limb. I reached tentatively upwards, feeling tubes that pressed into my mouth and looped around my head. I felt vaguely as if I should panic, but laying there it didn’t seem all too pressing, like maybe it was normal to have two needles in your arms and cannulas threaded every which way.  
I heard a soft familiar cry from the other side of the room and attempted to sit up, finding myself firmly strapped to the bed.  
My mother’s voice lilted from the left, her face appearing in my field of vision. “Oh honey don’t try to move.”  
It seemed like a pretty sound suggestion, so I just smiled a bit around the tubing and gave a weak wave by way of greeting.  
She slapped a hand over her mouth, tears welling up in her eyes at the movement. It sent a fresh ache to some intangible place in my chest, the need to pull her into a hug almost overwhelming. There was so much I wanted to say to her, to apologize for not visiting a lot for not calling, to tell her that no matter what she still the most important person in my life, to tell her it was going to be okay, to let her care for me in the way only mothers could.  
She reached out, fingers brushing over the top of my head. “I was so worried when Liam called.” She murmured, a faint gleam of panic in her eyes, like it was killing her to see me like this. “I knew you it'll come back but I didn’t know-…”  
The truth was, she couldn’t have known. I hadn’t really told her how bad it was, making it seem like maybe everything was going to be okay. It was my own way of protecting her, just like Harry protected his own mother.  
“The girls are here, Liam and Sophia took them out to get lunch a few minutes ago.” She looked anxiously up at the door. “I don’t know when they’ll be back, maybe I should call them…”  
I shook my head ever so slightly. I wanted to see them, but it would be too much right now, too many people with worry in their eyes. I could barely handle my mother, the way she kept darting her hands out to touch me, like she thought I was going to disappear.  
I heard the door creak open, the pat of feet on the tile. “Louis, there’s a friend here to see you if you feel up to it.  
I know technically only family is allowed but… It took me a moment to recognize the voice, my mind eventually falling on the dark haired nurse, whose name I somehow still didn’t know. “He said it’s okay if you don’t want to see him, and that he’ll be brave if you are.”  
I gave her the best nod I could, my fingers itching to hold his, a fierce longing for him building in my bones. I probably looked awful, all dark circles around my eyes and sharp lines where my skin clung to my frame, but I couldn’t be bothered to care all that much. One of the best things about Harry that he's the type of people that he don't really judge people by who their looking, he'd care instead.  
We’d already both seen each other at our most vulnerable, whether by choice or not. There was nothing left to hide anymore, we were in the same boat now.  
It was, of course, not the ideal situation to introduce him to my mother, specially that he wasn't just my patient, he's the one who had changed so many things about me, the one who taught me how to see human being, how to find beauty in broken things.  
I wasn’t sure how much longer I was going to be conscious and I really did want to see him. I could already feel tiredness weighing down on my bones, threatening to push me back under, and I knew it wouldn’t be long.  
“I’ll go tell him, he’s going to be thrilled.” I could see her smile out of the corner of my eye as she turned back down the hallway, heading for the waiting room.  
I caught my mother’s gaze as I looked back up at her, a fond smile curling across her face even as her eyes retained their earlier worry. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” She murmured, stroking her hand across my forehead. “I love you so much, baby.”  
I love you too. I squeezed at the fingers she’d threaded in mine, trying to convey the meaning there. She nodded tearfully, seeming to understand what I couldn’t say.  
I heard the telltale roll of wheels on hospital floor, the nurse’s feet on the floor as she returned with Harry in tow. My mother looked up at his entrance, wiping her eyes hurriedly with the back of her hand, smudging makeup down her cheeks.  
“Hello.” She sniffled, trying a smile. “You’re one of Louis’ friends?”  
He looked at me and so I did, he nodded, I could see the shatters of him inside those tear drops which fell down his face “Yeah.” I tried to get a good look at him out of the corner of my eye, attempting to catch a slight flash of green or a brief glimpse of cotton. “I’m Harry.”  
“Oh.” I heard the recognition in her voice as she put the pieces together, matching the face to the name I’d dropped over the phone, the person I was seeing, casually of course. “Oh.” As she evaluated the wheelchair, the way his bones stuck out underneath his tee shirt. She knew what cancer looked like “I'm happy to meet you Harry, I hope you do fine.”  
“I'm fine, thank you” he said softly.  
He smiled, his fingers threading their way through mine. “I know. It’s nice to finally meet you” mom said.  
I smiled the best I could around the plastic, my eyes finally seeking out Harry. He looked nearly as bad as I must have, lips just a little bit chapped, purple marks falling underneath his eyes, skin just the littlest bit dull. I gave him my best disapproving look, pulling my hand up from his to run my fingers across his cheek. Have you slept at all?  
He rolled his eyes at my scrutiny, pulling my hand away from his face and re-clasping our fingers. “The waiting room does not make the most comfortable of beds.”  
Not being able to berate him in that moment was easily one of the most difficult things I’d ever experienced. I tried my hand at looked displeased and judgmental, but judging by the laugh that escaped his lips, I didn’t think I was all that successful. “I worry, sleep was never really an option.”  
I squeezed his hand, understanding once again just how lucky I was to have him. Laying here, hanging just a little bit too close to the edge, I felt strangely at peace, with Harry on one side and my mother on the other to be at least surrounded with people who still think I deserve some kind of love.  
Author Notes:  
So this book getting closer and closer to the end, I just wanna know what do you guys think of it comment to let me know, love always and as a question does anyone care to have a copy of the original document in PDF? -♥N


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